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just stop acting like i mean something to you

because I know I dont

but everytime you look at me

i feel my muscles fall numb
i need hugs and snuggles
you described it as "the time you were in the mood where you didn't want to meet or do anything" in such a round about way. i don't have to spell it out for you, we learnt about this together. starts with D ends with pression. you always throw that word around when you mean sad. so why couldn't you put two and two together? of course you knew, you're smart afterall. if not you, then who else would notice? i knew that you just didn't want to make me uncomfortable, but that's a scary thought...because that's how people slip away. it's not your fault though, it'll never be your fault. i just never want to hear you describe it that way. i had to laugh it off, but you made me feel like such a pain. i knew i was being a nuisance so i distanced myself. it wasn't necessarily a call for help but just time needed to recuperate. you told me recently i need to share more with you. that it's better than keeping it bottled up. but i hate attention and pity. in a crooked way i prefer it this way, although all that's left is me feeling bitter. i'll overcome this too. 
Will i leave a mark that leaves people saying i did well? do i even need those words? why have i convinced myself that i'm above such words? i do need much. i can have standards. i'm not a low maintenance person. throughout the day, when i laugh, i think..."yes, this is really all i need." Just one thing that makes me laugh, even for a moment. but i chase that thrill. It turns into, "even if i can find a bit of delight in this donut, i'll let myself indulge." But i don't know how to do this self care thing. i'm either hard on myself or letting myself go. there's no period in between where it's not destructive. but yeah. i've overcome everything that has already come, this shouldn't be any different. i don't even have to overcome it, just become accustom to it. accept it as a part of my personality...even if it doesn't have to be.
 
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees




 

“You smell the salt in the air? You feel the sunlight on your skin? That’s all real. You see all of us together? That’s real. Life is wonderful. It’s a gift to be alive, to see the sun and breathe the air. And there isn’t really anything else.” —Michael Crichton, The Lost World



 
you and all your vibrant youth
How could anything bad ever happen to you?
You make a fool of death with your beauty

 

 


At seventeen, I started to starve myself
I thought that love was a kind of emptiness
And at least I understood then the hunger I felt
And I didn’t have to call it loneliness


 — Florence Welch 

 
  rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you
  and rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you
  and rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds
  rejoice because
you’re trying your best
 
 
...the word ‘pretty’ is a skin deep, six letter prison they put you in.
 
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