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you described it as "the
time you were in the mood where you didn't want to meet or do
anything" in such a round about way. i don't
have to spell it out for you, we learnt about this together. starts
with D ends with pression. you always throw that word around when
you mean sad. so why couldn't you put two and two together? of
course you knew, you're smart afterall. if not you, then who
else would notice? i knew that you just didn't want to make me
uncomfortable, but that's a scary thought...because that's
how people slip away. it's not your fault though, it'll
never be your fault. i just never want to hear you describe it that
way. i had to laugh it off, but you made me feel like such a pain.
i knew i was being a nuisance so i distanced myself. it wasn't
necessarily a call for help but just time needed to recuperate. you
told me recently i need to share more with you. that it's
better than keeping it bottled up. but i hate attention and pity.
in a crooked way i prefer it this way, although all that's left
is me feeling bitter. i'll overcome this too.
Will i leave a mark that leaves
people saying i did well? do i even need those words? why have i
convinced myself that i'm above such words? i do need much. i
can have standards. i'm not a low maintenance person.
throughout the day, when i laugh, i think..."yes, this is
really all i need." Just one thing that makes me laugh, even
for a moment. but i chase that thrill. It turns into, "even if
i can find a bit of delight in this donut, i'll let myself
indulge." But i don't know how to do this self care thing.
i'm either hard on myself or letting myself go. there's no
period in between where it's not destructive. but yeah.
i've overcome everything that has already come, this
shouldn't be any different. i don't even have to overcome
it, just become accustom to it. accept it as a part of my
personality...even if it doesn't have to be.
“You smell the salt in the air? You
feel the sunlight on your skin? That’s all real. You see
all of us together? That’s real. Life is wonderful.
It’s a gift to be alive, to see the sun and breathe the
air. And there isn’t really anything else.”
—Michael Crichton, The Lost
World
