mandy*

there's no rest for the wicked

that's why I haven't slept in days

Sometimes I wake up and almost believe that you are still here next to me. I think it's because I dream of you at night. 
Every morning since you left, I've grasped the empty sheets, looking for someone to hold onto...Needing someone to hold onto. 
You were my light. You were my f.ucking light, and now you're gone and I'm drowning in empty darkness and empty sheets and empty bottles of liquor. My chest feels empty too, ever since you left. It's like my tear-stained heart dragged itself right out of me, leaving me even emptier than I was before. I don't blame it - if I could drag my tear-stained soul out of my tear-stained body, I would.
Maybe then I'd be able to breath and my mind would be clearer.
And maybe then I wouldn't feel so f.ucking empty.

a.m.f
 

I was babysitting a little boy today. He's 8 and I've been babysitting him for over a year now.
Yesterday he told me "I remember a year ago you were different."
I asked him "How so?"
He responded with "You used to smile a lot. And your eyes would smile too.
You smile sometimes now. Not as much, though. And your eyes don't smile anymore either."

And I almost cried because someone finally understood me.
An 8 year old noticed my depression that not even my parents or best friends noticed.

Dear Mind,
Please stop thinking so much at night.
I really need to sleep.

I call him the devil
because he makes me want to sin
and every time he knocks
I can't help but let him in

I've never understood fears.
People always ask me "What are you afraid of?"
And don't believe me when I respond,
"Nothing."

I've never understood why some are afraid of the dark,
or why some can't watch horror movies.

I've never understood why some are afraid of death.
The reason I'm not afraid
Is because I'd welcome death
With open arms.

I guess you'd have to be in my mind to understand,
Although if you were in my mind,
You'd probably welcome death too.

A.M.F
 

Before Alice got to wonderland, she had to fall pretty hard down a pretty deep, dark, hole.

Yesterday I went to Target to buy tampons and I accidentally ended up buying a bunch of other stuff. I went to checkout and saw my older brother's best friend working so I waved and went to his aisle completely forgetting about what I had bought.
We're usually kind of flirty with each other so we talked while I waited. As he rung up the stuff I could see he got embarrassed while putting something in a bag. Remembering about the tampons I bought, I apologized for the awkwardness and we just laughed it off. 

That night he came over to hang out with my brother, but when I opened the door he also had a bag in his hand. 

"For you," he said as he handed it to me "These are just some things my sister told me you might like." I looked inside and it had a box of chocolate, some chinese takeout, and magazines.

I'm not usually very happy when I'm on my period, but that definitely cheered me up.

the wasted years
  the wasted youth
     the pretty lies
        the ugly truth