Amenah

Status: spacebound
Joined: January 30, 2011
Last Seen: 5 years
user id: 150130


reporting to earth for the last time. this is astronaut amenah, over and out.

Quotes by Amenah

i don't remember who i was
who am i beneath this dark cloud
this heavy chainball i pull along
who am i beneath this blanket of sadness
who was i supposed to be 



12 0 Amenah Amenah
iwanttodisappear
Thinking about you doesn't make me sad. Your name sounds nostalgic in the same way old teacher names are; you sounds like the theme song of my favourite show when I was younger which had a terrible finale. But I get sad when I think about a best friend I had who I knew was my best friend. I don't know who that is now -- I don't have one anymore. I have good friends, wonderful friends, but no best friend; I don't know who my ultimate is, who loves me the most and who I love the most. That security is missing, and it's not been replaced yet so I can only hear other people talk about their best friends and feel sad. It's not you -- it's that. I just want that feeling back.   


12 0 Amenah Amenah
friendship
person i have spoken to for two hours: my online bff lives in x!!
my ridiculous self: *getting jealous over someone i do not know at all and have spoke to for a total of t w o  h o u r s*
me: ahaha that's so cool :) [why are u so this way @self pull ur shxt together]



7 0 Amenah Amenah
urafoolamenah
I'm meeting jesusisyoursunshine in two days. Maybe we will drink coffee and lemonade and go on a walk and eat some gluten-free dairy-free cake in a little cafe somewhere. It will be wonderful. I'm excited❀



10 5 Amenah Amenah
soapparentlywerebacktousingwittyasadiary
Right now, I feel crippled by all the mistakes I've made. The weigh so heavilly on me I don't feel I can work towards change or growth. That's what I'm always meant to do, what I've always tried to do, and right now I just feel I can't; I've given up the right to try. That's what it feels like. And I won't let that feeling carry on forever, I'll pick up the ball and start climbing up again. There are things in this world I want to change, I want to fight. It didn't matter how small I am. And the weight of my shoulders may have shrunk me for now, but I'll grow again, and I'll fight again, one day sometime.   


11 0 Amenah Amenah
vent
The last three years, I pulled away, dropped the ball for what was meant to be a moment.
Then you left for permanent. 
And I never get to pick it up again.
10 0 Amenah Amenah
vent
Debating was a large part of my formative years, and throughout all my teenage ones it really helped form me as who I am. Debating showed me what it was like to be listened to, what it felt like when people heard the ideas you wanted to share, and not just heard but took them in and digested them and responded to them. It was in my school's debating club where I found people who were like me -- who wanted to win, and weren't embarrased about it; who took criticism as advice or suggestions rather than bullets; who had a thirst for knowledge obnoxious as dustiest part of a scholar library; and who's jokes were just as crass and rude and ill-informed and funny as mine. Debating was where I made a lot of friends. It was where I became loud and clever and rude and I made mistake after mistake and felt okay with that because it meant growing and learning and striving for better. But I stopped. I did it less and less, I pulled back, because when you start to lose parts of yourself -- when they go to sleep for a bit -- you don't want to taint the things you care about with that stain. But friends stayed friends. And then at university after years of pulling away and trying to turn my back, I returned to debating, and made plans to see a friend there as well, a friend from another university I went to high school with who was visiting mine. And I was ready to go back to debating, I thought. But that friend killed themselves the weekend before we were going to meet up. That friend was a lot of what debating was to me. I didn't go in the end. And for now, I'm not loud or clever or funny or crass or brave. For now, I'm half. And that friend is six feet under, and she's rotting in the ground, and I feel like my spirit to make this world a better place is rotting with her.
7 0 Amenah Amenah
vent
My friend's eulogy is in the school end-of-term magazine and I really don't want to read it because
1. it was written by snobbish teachers who are going to make it sound wrong
2. it was a suicide and they wouldn't understand because they didn't know her
3. she was trans and they're really conservative
4. I don't know if my heart is ready for it
5. I don't know if I'm ready to revisit it yet again
6. I don't know if I ever will be
But I also want to read it because
1. I can't not
2. I feel I have to
3. I need to
4. I don't want to and that makes me feel like I should
I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry at her for doing it. I don't know if I'll ever stop being angry.
9 0 Amenah Amenah
fuckitall
It's really important to have friends who can allow you to be more than you are. It's important to have friends who know you're a sarcastic little shxt and still let you be sweet, or who know you're soft and fluffy and kind and let you snap, 'pxss off' without batting an eyelid, or who tease you for being the mum friend and when you shuck the responsibility for a bit and need somewhere to rest your own head their shoulders are ready and waiting. It's important to have friends who let you stretch who you are; explore and grow.


11 0 Amenah Amenah
friendship
am i allowed, though?
to love the way you make me feel about myself
to transfer self-love to you until i can take it up agai
to be happy when i talk to you
because you love  t a l k i n g   t o   m e ,  t o o ? 



10 0 Amenah Amenah
friendship
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