Dear
You,
Every.Damn.Day. I am
always ending up missing you. I wish I would just woke up one day
and will never think of you anymore. But you were the love
of my life, we talked about our lives and sadness and happiness
and we've see every inch of our soul. I wish I have told you
how bad you hurt me. I wish I have told how you killed me. I
loved you so much, and I still love you so much. It hurts. I
always thought you were the one, but maybe you were just the one
to teach me to never except less than what I deserve. I am still
upset and hurt and I still love you, as I promised, I would
forever. Sometimes, I wonder if you ever even think of
me…do you laugh at all our good memories, or am I just a
mistake you want to forget about? I have so many questions and I
know I would never get the answers.
My heart
is so broken I don’t know what to do. This is killing me, I
feel like I’m drowning a little more each day. What do I
do? Because I still love you, and you’re the only one who
can save me. I can’t do this on my own, I want you back in
my life. I can’t move on because the only thing I can find
wrong with you is that you can find so much wrong with me.
Do you
think about me/us/everything we were? Because I do. Do you dream
about me everytime you fall asleep? Because I dream about you and
us all the time. Is there a part of you that wants this to work
out, to fix itself and go back to when we were so in love? I feel
so strongly about all of these things.
I want
you to know that I still love you and always will. I thought I
could get over you and that my broken heart would heal quickly. I
was wrong. I was only strong if you were not around. One look at
you and my heart melts within me. All the buried feelings begin
to rise within me and all I want to do is melt within your arms.
I now confess that I never stopped loving you. I guess I never
will.
Now? I
am feeling lost and confused. Within my heart I want you so
badly. All I think about is you and being able to hold you, love
you, touch you, and be with you. I am consumed by my desire for
you and I feel lost without you. I know that I cannot force you
to be with me or to want to be with me. It must be your decision.
I would not want you any other way. I want you to want me, to be
with me because you want to be with me, to love me because it
makes you happy to love me, to come to me because you wanted to
be close to me.
I have
so much to say, but it’s hard to ever really talk to you
anymore. Maybe I was just a stepping stone for you to get to that
point in your life where you’d figured out what you really
wanted, or didn't want.
I
thought that missing you would get easier everyday now that you
are not mine. It has not. In fact, everyday that I see you, talk
to you, laugh out with you again, it has gotten more difficult
being without you. My whole being aches for you and I cannot
force myself to stop loving you. In fact, I don’t want to
stop loving you.
Alas, it
might very well be my fate to go on living without you. I will
not beg you to come back. If love cannot lead you back to me then
I guess we will stay apart, but I truly hope that you will love
me as much as I love you and want me with the same burning
feelings that I want you.
So to
prove to you I loved you and all I wanted was for you to be
happy, I will let you walk away. And it was so hard. I wake up in
the middle of the night missing you by my side. You were my best
friend, my lover, my family and my life, and I don’t know
if you know how it feels to lose something more valuable than you
thought would be. It's not that easy.
I have
recurring dreams of our first date leading up to the night where
we said we loved each other. I honestly can’t escape all of
it. It’s so hard but I still love you. You have my heart,
and it’s beyond my control. I want to wake up so bad with
you lying next to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able
to handle you being with anyone else.
I want
you to come and save me so bad, come back and be in my life
again. Get over everything and start over together. I always
wonder if you feel/felt the same way I do. Does your heart beat
about a million times faster than normal when you see me? because
mine does.
Let me
know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you will
always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don’t
want to live knowing that I meant absolutely nothing to
you.
God this
is so hard.
I guess
all I really want to say is that I’m dying here inside,
that I miss you more each day, there’s not a night I
haven’t cried, and bibi here’s the truth —
I’m still so in love with you. That’s what I really
meant to say.
I love
you
Love,
Your Ex - Anaiah