I could always talk to my dad. He was more like a big kid than an
actual adult. In fact, he looked much younger than his forty-one
He had straight black hair and a mustache, with no signs of
graying or balding. He stood a strong six feet and
had dark green eyes that seemed to always be laughing
at some secret joke. Even my friends, who he'd make fun
of without mercy, loved him. Most of my peers would be
embarrassed to have thier dad hang around with them, but not
me; in fact, I took great pride in him. No one else had a dad as
cool as mine.
After he came home frmo work, we went inside, and I
began to get ready for bed. As I entered my
room, I looked over and saw my dad working intently at his
computer in his office, which was across from my bedroom.
As I watched him, I had the most incredible urge to
just poke my head in and tell him that I loved him. I
quickly brushed that urge away and continued on into my room. I
couldn't possibly say to him, "I love you" I
hadn't said that to him or anyone since I was seven, when my
mom and dad tucked me in and kissed me goodnight. It just
wasn't something a man said to another man. Still, as I
walked in and closed my bedroom door behind me, the feeling
continued to grow inside of me. I turned around, opened my door
and poked my head into my dad's office.
"Um.. I just wanted to say goodnight."
"Oh, Goodnight." and I went back to my room and
shut the door.
Why didn't I say it? What was I afraid of? I told myself
by saying that maybe I'd have the courage to say it later;
but even as i told myself that, I knew it might never
happen. For some reason, I felt that was going to be the
closest I'd ever come to telling my dad I loved him, and it
made me angry with myself. Deep within me, I began to hope
he'd know that when I said "Goodnight," I really
meant to say I love you.
The next day was just like any other. After school,
I walked with my best friend to his
house, however, his mom surprised us by picking us up in the
parking lot. She asked me whose house I was going to, and when I
said "yours" she said, "no, I have this
feeling your mom wants you home right now." I didn't
expect anything. I thought she wanted to do soemthing with
her own family and I didn't want to intrude.
As we pulled up to my house, I saw a lot of cars in front and a
few people I knew walking up our front stairs.
My mom greeted me at the front door. Tears were streaming
down her face. She then told me, in the calmest voice she could
manage, the worst news of my life. "Dad's
At first, I just stood there as she hugged me, not able to move
or react. In my mind, I kept repeating 'Oh god no.. This
can't be true..Please' .. But i kenw I wasn't
being lied to.
Why didn't I say it?!
Once in my room, I hurt so badly that my whole body went numb and
I collapsed on the floor, sobbing. A few moments later, I heard a
scream from downstairs and then my baby brothers
voice crying out, "Why, Mommy!" That's when I
knew my mom just told him what had happened. For the next half
hour, I tried to explain to him why Heavenly Father
wanted our dad back with him, while I tried to pull myself back
I was told my father had died in an accident at work.
Somehow, he had been knocked off the crane he was
inspecting. Workers nearby said they didn't hear
him shout or anything. He was pronounced dead on arrival at
eleven o'clock that morning, May 21, 1993.
I never really told my dad I loved him. I wish I had. I
miss him very much.
When I see him again after this life, I know that the first
thing I'm going to say to him is, "I love you." But
until then, "Good night, Dad."