AubreeMae

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Joined: March 26, 2013
Last Seen: 9 years
user id: 354470
Gender: F
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A picture of Caleb and I, holding our daughter for the first time.
 

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This little girl , Kenley Micah Sager, was just 7 months old when her father passed away from heart failure. Today, I watched my little girl walk all on her own, listened to her say "I love you mommy", and just all together experience the love that's growing each and every day. The last year a roller coaster ride of growth, change, grief, and new beginnings. These precious moments steal my breath and slow down time. These days remind me of all the blessings I live for and all the pain I've lived with. My family and Caleb's family joined me in tears as they have embraced her and helped her grow through challenges no child should ever have to face. Today is bitter sweet for a mom like me. My perspective has shown me the beauty in this moment. My past has given me the knowledge that nothing in this life is guaranteed and at any moment our lives can change forever. 
This photo was taken a year after Kenley's father passed away in 2013. Time has flown and yet it has seemingly stood still. This was supposed to be a family shoot, arranged before Caleb was hospitalized, and while I couldn't bear to be in the photos and see us as a family of 2 - I wanted the photo of my baby just the same. Tonight, as we get ready to face another year, here is what I think her father would want her to know. He would want her to know she is loved deeply, and cherished above all these. He would want her to live this life as fully and happily as possible. He would want her to have every adventure, climb tall mountains, see the world, and embrace the chaos that surrounds her. He would want her to do her best, play sports, listen to music, and learn with passion. He would want her to feel the sun on her face in the summer and the cool mountain air in the winter. He would never want to see her settle for less and always strive for me. He would never want her to fear death but instead fear a life not lived. Above all else he would simply want her to *live in the moment* because that is how he lived his life till the very last breath. He can't tell her these things so I take the time each day to show them what he dreamed of for her life. My gift to her is a lifetime of wishes from her father fulfilled in a way that shows her who he was.  His love, his life, his legacy - growing beautifully right before my eyes. He sees it all - I have faith that he does. 
From the depths of my soul I live for this little girl. She is the air I breath and the reason I have chosen to live my life the way I do. I won't show her that life ended on March 17th, 2013 because for her and I, it didn't. For the two of us it is a tragic day that will forever shape our world but we are left here on this earth to do more work. We are left here for whatever reason to live in the moment and make a difference if only in a small way. While we are here, I will raise her, shape her, explore with her, and LIVE with her the way Caleb wanted. I do his life, his memory, and his spirit no justice if we live any other way. So for me, it's no excuses, and absolutely no regrets.

Quotes by AubreeMae

 This journal entry breaks my heart. I never realized how truly broken my dad was..
My whole family just barely got by after losing Tegan. I'll never forget.








I WILL STAND BESIDE YOU.
I remember looking across the alter at my wife I held her hand and said "I do."   We made a promise that we would love and support each other the best we knew how; in sickness and health, in death and everything in between. On that special day, it never entered our minds or hearts that we would have a child who would be a cause of so much joy and so much sorrow. I just held my sweet wife's hand at the alter and thought myself the luckiest guy on earth.
Fast forward about 15 years and my sweet wife and I found ourselves almost in the same position, only this we had our dying son between us. We didn't see this coming the day we married. Few do.
As I held my son's hand and looked at two souls I loved with all my heart, I was reminded of our wedding day and the promises I made. I knew I wouldn't be perfect, but I would be true. Together we would stumble and fall, but always, we would see each other through.
Tegan wasn't aware we were desperately doing all we could to buy him another hour. If ever our son walked on thin ice, it was never as thin as this.
Two weeks later I would once again hold my boys hand in much the same way as this day.. with my wife quitely weeping at his side as my best buddy was slipping into obvlion.
I've spent a great deal of time contemplating the notion "time heals everything." I have had many tell me time does heal and just about as many say it does not. Which, then, is true? I say both - but both statements are answers to different questions.
Healing and restoration are not the same. I believe those who eventually make peace with death come to know the difference. I wonder if part of the struggle of grief is confusing restoration with healing.
Were I to talk to a war veteran who lost a limb 20 years ago, I am rather confident time will not have restored him. Surely there will be healing; the site of injury will seal up and scars may fade over time, but his limb will still be missing. It will always be missing.
I have lsot a child who depended on me for protection and love; I would rather lost all my limbs, my sight and hearing than lose my son. For me, losing Tegan is infinitely worse - for a child is more than a limb, they are an extension of your heart and soul. Like a lost limb, he will always be missing from my life and I must learn to walk and live without him. At least in this life, I am coming to terms that I will not experience restoration, however much my broken heart desires it.
Like an amputee, I will always be missing a part of me. Yet, thankfully I am healing. There has never been a day, or an hour, I don't think of Tegan.. that I don't reach for him. I have, at long last, finally reached a point with grief where there are days I do not cry. However, I seem to make up for those days when I do cry. But I don't cry all the time. Until recently, I used to. The passage of time will not restore my son anymore than an amputee can regrow a limb, but time will allow my wounds to close if I dress them properly.
One day, in time and place different than this, I will see my boy again and I will fall to me knees and weep. Until such things are restored, I am thankful that time and patience has seen the bleeding stop. The site of my wound is tender as it's ever been; tears and heartache are just a memory away. But, with Heaven's help I am healing, however slowly, a little more each day.
In moments of profound grief, when I fall to the earth and can't help but weep, I will remember the promises I made and promises I shall keep... on the day of our wedding when I held my wife's hand, and this very moment when I held my baby made of sand. Come whatever, come to may, I will stand beside you until my dying day.
 My daddys journal entrys about coping the tragic death of my Brother Tegan.







IT'S OKAY TO HURT, JUST DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
A few years ago Tegan come bashing into my office and said, "Dad, come quickly! You have to see most amazing rainbow." I quickly walked with him upstairs to our front door. Indeed there was a rainbow, and it was beautiful. A summer storm had just broken and the afternoon sun revealed a most amazing spectacle of light against the backdrop of deep storm clouds and mountain shadows.
Tegan pointed to the array of colors and shadows and said, "Isn't it beautiful, Dad?" and I said, "Yes, son, it is amazing; but not as amazing as you. You and Aubree are more amazing than all the rainbows combined."
I stumbled into a photo recently and was brought back to this sweet exchange with my son. As I looked at the photo I had a moment of clarity that is difficult to describe; clarity about love and loss, grief and coping, and life after the storm. I am new to all of this grief stuff and I am sorting it out a little every day.
Recently I've been thinking about the notion "Your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad." I believe this is an abused and confused statement. Surely our loved ones want us to be happy, but they also understand our sorrows in ways we do not - and  it isn't necessary to feel guilty or veiled shame for hurting. Hurting is hard enough.
I believe Tegan knows, with great clarity, every tear I shed is a symbol of the deep love I have for him. They are also tender prayers to my Father that my weary heart might someday find rest. I believe our loved ones who have passed on, if they are permitted to see our sorrows, don't look upon us with pity or disappointment that we hurt, but rather deep understanding. For they know the depth of our grief is matched only by the depth of our love. Yes, they want for our happiness, but they also understand our hurt. I believe they reverence our grief more than we appreciate.
At least for me, coping with grief isn't about faux bravery or denying my most tender feelings for my son. It isn't about somehow stepping out of shadows of sorrow - as though such shadows don't exist. Coping with grief is about learning to see the light despite the inescapable shadows of sorrow.
I see the light.
In my quest for peace and understanding I am learning that it's okay to hurt, so long as I don't hurt myself.
Going through a box of objects my mom would keep overtime of art work my brother or I would come home with from school, homemade cards, a bunch of things to look back on.. When my mom and I were going through it and I opened up a little journal that she said my dad kept for himself. I read it and my eyes filled with tears instantly. My dad was my hero, the strongest man I ever have known and loved. He wrote this in his journal long after the tragic death of my brother Tegan. I'll hold on to this journal forever. My dad was the strongest man that not only lost his one and only son, but also  fought cancer for 8 years and finally was able to be escape and be free. My daddy, 12.23.75 - 7.25.13






FOUR SHOVELS, ONE MISSING BOY.
In my garage hang 4 shovels that were used, as a matter of ceremony, to bury my dear son. Every day I come home I see them. I can't NOT see them. These shovels are now symbols of what matters most and the price my family paid to be reminded of such. When I see them, suddenly material things are worthless to me; the persuit of fame and attention, ring hollow and lame; and all the tinsel and chatter of the world lose their luster and powers of persuasion.
I just see 4 sacred symbols, still bearing dirt from the burial site, and am reminded of one missing boy I would do anything to see and hold again.
I don't keep these symbols visible to agitate already tender wounds nor do I use them to fixate on the pain of loss; the kitchen table with an empty chair does that well enough. Instead, these shovels keep me focused and clear-minded. They remind me of the realities of life and also point to my most treasured relationships. Each day I leave my garage remembering Tegan and I make a promise to do better than the day before - to make whatever time I have on this earth matter. When I return home I am reminded to talk a little softer, to listen more intently, and to love my visibly... For everything, and I mean everything, is temporary.
These symbols keep me sober and sane. They remind me to never dig a pit for my neighbor or intentionally cause harm to others, but rather to take compassion and help dig others out of trouble and help where I can. They remind me that I, too, will one day be laid to rest and I will be held accountable for my choices.. for the help or harm I caused others.
I hope to never hurt another, but always help.. and if I'm lucky, to build a soul with Heaven's help
.
One of the many goodmorning texts I have from Caleb. This is true love. I was on my way to spend the rest of forever with this man. I'm so blessed to have had all the time I had with him.
God has you in his keeping and I have you in my heart. Forever and Always. I love and miss you so much.

Goodmorning babe,
It's just another day that I'll fall harder for you. Another day where I'll get those silly little butterflies whenever you smile at me in the cute way that you do. And most importantly, it's another day I get to spend with the love of my life. It's just another day that I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Oh, one more thing.. I love you more than I could ever explain. I'm going to continue to show my love for you each and every day for the rest of my life.
So wake up babe, I'm on my way over with starbucks!.
 

I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile.
Without telling you things and hearing your voice back.
Then, that day arrived and it was so darn hard but the next was harder. And I knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse and I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time.
Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again. 
I lose you every time I pick up your favorite coffee mug; whenever that one song plays on the radio, or when I discover your old t-shirt at the bottom of my laundry pile.
I lose you every time I think of kissing you, holding you or wanting you. I go to bed at night and lose you, when I wish I could tell you about my day. And in the morning, when I wake and reach for the empty space across the sheets, I begin to lose you all over again.

  

 
In 9 hours, it's caleb's benefit. 
I have many different emotions I'm feeling right now.. I don't know what to even think of it.
/:


  

 
Those special memories of you will always bring a smile,
if only I could have you back for just a little while.
Then we could sit and talk again,
just like we used to do,
you always meant so very much,
and always will do too.
The fact that you're no longer here,
will always cause me pain,
but you're forever in my heart, until we meet again.


I love and miss you so very much.

  

 
Isn't it strange how with a combination of twenty-six letters you can steal someone's heart and captivate their soul?
Even stranger is how with a different combination of twenty-six letters you can make their eyes fill with tears and give them enough pain to last a lifetime.   

 
People keep telling me that life goes on, but, to me, that's the saddest part.   
 
A message I still have saved in my phone from Caleb on our 4th year anniversary.
God has you in his keeping and I have you in my heart. Forever and Always. I love and miss you so much.

You're absolutely right. I don't like you anymore. I haven't liked you ever. I've loved you since the first day I've met you, and I will love you until forever no matter what happens. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on and that's the first thought that went through my head the second I seen you. You're the one who truly makes me happiest everyday, sure I've made mistakes but I try to overlook that because I was being stupid and didn't realize what all I had. I would love to spend the rest of my life with you and I hope that happens. I love you with all my heart and I honestly hope and pray that you know that. I get jealous because I care about you too much to share or lose you to another person. You're the reason I wake up with a smile on my face and the reason I go to bed being the happiest I have ever been. I could think of a million things that I love about you but then this message would go on forever. You are my princess, and I love you so much. So you're right I guess you could say I have never really liked you, i've always loved you, babe and don't ever forget it Aubree.
3:49pm
I thank God every single day for putting you in my life. I couldn't ever imagine being with somebody different. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You've seen me through my darkest times and I wouldn't have been able to say I'd be at this point in my life if it weren't for you. I'm so incredibly lucky, Caleb. I am so ready to spend the rest of my life with you and I knew that from the very beginning. You are who I want to love for the rest of my life. You are who I want beside me through every tribulation and every happy hour. I can't wait for what this world has got in store for the both of us but we're going to take this on together. This has been the best 4 years of  my life with you and I can't wait for so many more.
I love you baby.
4:00pm

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