AubreeMae

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Joined: March 26, 2013
Last Seen: 9 years
user id: 354470
Gender: F
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A picture of Caleb and I, holding our daughter for the first time.
 

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This little girl , Kenley Micah Sager, was just 7 months old when her father passed away from heart failure. Today, I watched my little girl walk all on her own, listened to her say "I love you mommy", and just all together experience the love that's growing each and every day. The last year a roller coaster ride of growth, change, grief, and new beginnings. These precious moments steal my breath and slow down time. These days remind me of all the blessings I live for and all the pain I've lived with. My family and Caleb's family joined me in tears as they have embraced her and helped her grow through challenges no child should ever have to face. Today is bitter sweet for a mom like me. My perspective has shown me the beauty in this moment. My past has given me the knowledge that nothing in this life is guaranteed and at any moment our lives can change forever. 
This photo was taken a year after Kenley's father passed away in 2013. Time has flown and yet it has seemingly stood still. This was supposed to be a family shoot, arranged before Caleb was hospitalized, and while I couldn't bear to be in the photos and see us as a family of 2 - I wanted the photo of my baby just the same. Tonight, as we get ready to face another year, here is what I think her father would want her to know. He would want her to know she is loved deeply, and cherished above all these. He would want her to live this life as fully and happily as possible. He would want her to have every adventure, climb tall mountains, see the world, and embrace the chaos that surrounds her. He would want her to do her best, play sports, listen to music, and learn with passion. He would want her to feel the sun on her face in the summer and the cool mountain air in the winter. He would never want to see her settle for less and always strive for me. He would never want her to fear death but instead fear a life not lived. Above all else he would simply want her to *live in the moment* because that is how he lived his life till the very last breath. He can't tell her these things so I take the time each day to show them what he dreamed of for her life. My gift to her is a lifetime of wishes from her father fulfilled in a way that shows her who he was.  His love, his life, his legacy - growing beautifully right before my eyes. He sees it all - I have faith that he does. 
From the depths of my soul I live for this little girl. She is the air I breath and the reason I have chosen to live my life the way I do. I won't show her that life ended on March 17th, 2013 because for her and I, it didn't. For the two of us it is a tragic day that will forever shape our world but we are left here on this earth to do more work. We are left here for whatever reason to live in the moment and make a difference if only in a small way. While we are here, I will raise her, shape her, explore with her, and LIVE with her the way Caleb wanted. I do his life, his memory, and his spirit no justice if we live any other way. So for me, it's no excuses, and absolutely no regrets.

Quote Comments by AubreeMae

AubreeMae 9 years ago on quote #6957667
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You CAN'T keep trying to find him in somebody else because you'll realize you never will find anybody like him and it will make you miss him more. That's one thing I've learned. It wasn't easy to learn but I had too. NOBODY in this universe will ever compare to Caleb, not one single person. I can spend the rest of my life meeting knew people and try to find similarities that Caleb had in that person but I never will find that. It's also not fair for the other person. You move forward with an open mind and open heart. You will find someone you love, who loves you just as much. Time will prove it to you. Everything that's good is worth waiting for.
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AubreeMae 9 years ago on quote #6993068
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Are you really? Awesome!
I want to talk to some teenage moms on here! And thank you very much!
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6909994
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Yes?
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Alaynakay 1 decade ago on quote #6909994
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[deleted]
Crazy_Beautiful202 1 decade ago on quote #6909994
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I mean, if you couldn't guess yourself by the last name the baby has. I'd just suggest to stop commenting. I find asking these questions is disrespectful.
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Alaynakay 1 decade ago on quote #6909994
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How? My friend and I were confused... I'm f.ucking sorry..
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6881213
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I started dating Caleb in Feb. of our freshman year and I remember hearing a lot of people talking about how Caleb and I wouldn't last long or how I'd leave Caleb because people thought I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship long enough to say that I actually love him, and there was just a lot of other things going around.. And we made it all the way through the 4 years of high school together. Senior year, we had a beautiful baby daughter, Kenley Micah Sager. I couldn't be happier or want to have had a baby with anybody else. Everything about him was absolutely perfect to me. He is my best friend and always, always will be. He passed away due to Heart conditions that he was struggling with since he was a little boy just a little over 5 months ago. Kenley has his beautiful blue eyes. She's absolutely beautiful. But I couldn't be happier to say that Caleb and I proved all of the people that said we wouldn't last all wrong. Young love does exist. I've experienced it. And it was the best 4 years of my life with the guy who I love to the moon and back and I always will. The engagement ring he bought for me, I still wear on my finger and I never take it off.
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dinosaur_rawr 1 decade ago on quote #6881213
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I'm not crying. Nope that's not me. must be umm my identical twin.
Okay I am crying that's so cute shish
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The Ukrainian Chick* 1 decade ago on quote #6881213
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THE FEELS OMG STOP
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6878240
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I can't say that I know the pain that you're feeling but I have been through something so similar that I have a good idea about the hurt you feel. You know that you can leave me a comment and if it's easier, I'll give you my cell phone number to contact me.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6878240
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It's really not easy to hold back tears when you lose someone close to you.
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[deleted] 1 decade ago on quote #6878240
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yeah i know.. but i wish i could help..
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6879993
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I cry every single time I read this poem.
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Heartless17* 1 decade ago on quote #6879993
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NOOO! DON'T CRY!!
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6874830
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His brother is continuing to pay for Caleb's cell phone.. His brother is having a really really difficult time coming to terms with losing him. I have more of a good thought about Caleb's passing, but his brother is lost.. Caleb was his only family he really had contact with, and he's just lost. It's so upsetting.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6874830
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My brother passed away two years and 3 months ago, and thoughts of him still go through my mind.
Same with Micah, It's been a year and memories of all of us together are in the back of my head that won't fade. I still text Caleb's phone, wear his sweatshirts, and sometimes talk to him like he's still here, even when he's been gone for months.. He's here in spirit with his daughter and I and his baby boy.
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dinosaur_rawr 1 decade ago on quote #6874830
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Reminded me of this thing I saw on tumblr, I can't find it now but this guy was paying his wife's phone bill for 2 years after she died and he would call her just to listen to her voice on the answer phone </3
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6874830
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His brother is continuing to pay for Caleb's cell phone.. His brother is having a really really difficult time coming to terms with losing him. I have more of a good thought about Caleb's passing, but his brother is lost.. Caleb was his only family he really had contact with, and he's just lost. It's so upsetting.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6815589
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I hope today was a good day for him.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6811593
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I've got off track, I've made mistakes. Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost, lines get crossed, and the pain won't go away. I hit my knee's now here I stand, there I was, now here I am, changed.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6775516
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Thank you!
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6686517
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I miss you so much sometimes my heart physically hurts. I miss you so much, Caleb. It's so hard being here without my best friend, who has been my biggest fan and supporter. I love you till the world stops spinning and my heart stops beating. I'm never taking this ring off my finger.
I love you so much.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6764302
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It takes a lot of faith to be able to stay this strong through all of this but I know that I have the best angels up above and they've proved that they are all there, So beautiful to me. But graduation is going to be a very emotional day.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6749838
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Do you want my cell phone number to keep in touch when I'm not on?
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JustAnotherWittyGuy18 1 decade ago on quote #6749838
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If you are okay giving it to me sure. I can text you from my laptop cause when im home i have no cell service -.-
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6748044
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People are telling you you're strong because you're able to stay alive and live the days that come to you. You don't have to be strong right now and don't think you have to be. You're allowed to be sad, You're allowed to cry and sob and scream and yelll. You need to grieve. It's been a month without Caleb and a month I couldn't have imagined having to live without him and I wait at night in bed waiting to hear the front door shut and for him to sneak into my room and him not wanting to wake me up but some how he always did. I don't have that shoulder I loved to cry on. I don't have that face I loved waking up to in the morning. I don't get to hear his voice and it's not even been two months since he's passed away and it hurts more than anything. It's been two years since my brother died and I remember the day after it happened and the pain that lasted so incredibly long.. And honestly, this might scare you but I'm being honest.. The second year of the absence is the hardest.. Because the first year you just keep begging and wanting them to come back through that door and to just come back home and by the second year, you know that it will never happen again and you have to accept it. All people have to say is how they're sorry for your loss and how to stay strong, but nothing is going to be able to stop the pain that you're feeling.. You just need to realize that you do have a support system.
And it doesn't matter if you've known him for a short amount of time or a long time, you knew him and it still hurts knowing that a life has been taken so soon.. The questions asked and that go unanswered, it's hard to cope with.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6748044
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There is no words to say to possibly take any pain from your loss away for you stop feeling this. Before my brother was killed in a car accident I never thought about what I believed, and when someone asked what my religion was I never had an answer because I didn't know.. Losing my brother was torturous and so is losing anybody in general. My brother and Caleb are the only two people I've ever had to lose in my life yet so far and I never opened up to anybody as much as I opened up to Caleb. I never thought about wanting to be with anybody for the rest of my life but I always thought about that with caleb. The way he would make me laugh, the way he said my name, his personality and his inspiring words and just how he moved was just enough to keep me wanting more.. I feel like I'm half dead and half alive.. I have two strings that are keeping me hanging on right now and If those snap I don't know what on this world is going to keep me sane. My family is my world and so is my daughter and my friends and if t wasn't for anyone of them, I would have lost myself. I do believe that someday I am going to reunite with Caleb and my brother. I'm going to see them and be able to hold them in my arms once more and never have to leave them again, and until that day there is always going be an empty space that not one person will be able to fulfill until I get so see their faces again. Death doesn't scare me one bit because I'm not going to be their alone.. I'm going to move on every single day at my own pace, nobody will tell me when I can and can't be missing either of them. Cry when you need to cry. Scream and yell when you need to. Don't hold any of it in. But you have so much support here and i'm sure where you are. Don't let go. And please know, if Caleb was here.. He'd be talking to you as much as he could, in the middle of the day and through the night. Don't give up.
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JustAnotherWittyGuy18 1 decade ago on quote #6748044
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You understand more than anyone right now. I know i didnt love him like you loved caleb, and i know we weren't as close as you were, but just to think that i will never see his smile, or bury my face against his chest, or tickle him until he pushes me off, it kills me. I have lost many people, as some people know, but like i suck at death. I believe in nothing so its all just blank to me, i want to know where he is and i want to be able to yell at someone for taking him away from me. I want to hug him and bring him back and tell him how sorry i am for anything bad i ever said about him. I want to hear him sing me silly songs he sang, and make fun of the fact he had to wear a speedo in water polo. I don't live near him, i live so far away, but i feel like hes still missing from me. The fact that he will never call me love again kills me. The fact that he will never say hey again kills me. And i just want to give up more than anything to be honest, because i didn't see a future much before him. He opened my eyes to what life could be, he was perfect in every way and i just want him back. I hate death so much and everyone says im strong and here i am sobbing unable to get off the floor because it hurts so bad. And im not strong at all. I'm just weak and i need him
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6748044
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People are telling you you're strong because you're able to stay alive and live the days that come to you. You don't have to be strong right now and don't think you have to be. You're allowed to be sad, You're allowed to cry and sob and scream and yelll. You need to grieve. It's been a month without Caleb and a month I couldn't have imagined having to live without him and I wait at night in bed waiting to hear the front door shut and for him to sneak into my room and him not wanting to wake me up but some how he always did. I don't have that shoulder I loved to cry on. I don't have that face I loved waking up to in the morning. I don't get to hear his voice and it's not even been two months since he's passed away and it hurts more than anything. It's been two years since my brother died and I remember the day after it happened and the pain that lasted so incredibly long.. And honestly, this might scare you but I'm being honest.. The second year of the absence is the hardest.. Because the first year you just keep begging and wanting them to come back through that door and to just come back home and by the second year, you know that it will never happen again and you have to accept it. All people have to say is how they're sorry for your loss and how to stay strong, but nothing is going to be able to stop the pain that you're feeling.. You just need to realize that you do have a support system.
And it doesn't matter if you've known him for a short amount of time or a long time, you knew him and it still hurts knowing that a life has been taken so soon.. The questions asked and that go unanswered, it's hard to cope with.
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6720699
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No. You got it all wrong.
My brother was killed in a car accident from being hit by a drunk driver. And I now I realize just how many times my brother has given me signs to show me that he's still here but when I first got the signs, I didn't believe that it was happening.. Because I didn't want to face reality that he was really gone.. And when I did, I believed that dying was just when your lifeless and your body gets put underground and nothing more happens.. That it wasn't possible h was trying to get a hold of me.. But Caleb said how he got signs from Micah after micah drown this past summer.. but I just thought it was all in caleb's head. And now, I'm in that situation and I feel like I need to have this connection with Caleb.. and now I realize just how many signs I've gotten but I never took the time to realize them.
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zxcvbnmx29 1 decade ago on quote #6720699
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oh:( well im sure youre sick of hearing it but i really am sorry, youre obviously a very strong girl to be dealing with all of this. and thats amazing that the signs are there, i hope you can have that connection!
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6720549
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It hasn't even been a full year since Kenley has been born but I can't even imagine my life without her right now. If I ever lose my daughter, i'd be a disaster. I'm not going to say I'm sorry for your loss, because I know how I really just can't bare to hear another person say that to me about the loss of Caleb. But I can remind you that when something negative happens, there is always something good that comes of it and I'm not saying that it happens right away but in the future you'll see that. Caleb was able to be with Kenley for as long as he was able to and without him, it's one big nightmare that I will never wake up from, nor will the ones who loved Caleb.. But we're both missing someone who means so incredibly much and is a major impact on our lives. You're not facing the feelings alone, because mine are similar. I'm here if you need anything, to vent to or just a talk.
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bentleysmommy 1 decade ago on quote #6720549
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Thank you so much Aubree. I hope all is well with you and Kenley. And im here for you if you ever need anything as well. <3 <3
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AubreeMae 1 decade ago on quote #6712087
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Yes
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