BananaPinkytoes

hey Hannah...Montana! c: can u do a lil favor me?
vote for my friend, Greentreeleaf, pls?
http://poll.pollcode.com/7182j
i'll love u forever&give u a cookie :3

No i didnt die.
Hah oh yeah.
And i've been crap i just got out of hospital... o:

Hey.
I haven't talked too you in ages.
How is everything?

hey c:
can u do me a favor
&vote for ph-t-graphy?
http://poll.pollcode.com/ww1qg7
it wud mean alot to my friend, thanks!

Wel, I liked your quotes. Good writers deserve a follow!
By the way, Tiger is my favourite character from Winnie the pooh X'D

Thank you so much!

I don't want to believe he's gone and I tell myself every single day that he's just on vacation... and when I read the newspaper clippings.. I fell apart right there.. my friend saw me reading something and she came over and hugged me.. I was like, I need to go to the bathroom becauase I'm going to throw up..
It's not like I can just say, He passed away in peace... Every single time someone talks about him.. Something that reminds me of him.. My mind goes straight back to that night and I can see him drowning in my mind all over again..
When people tell me that it gets easier.. I want to punch the fcking cement.. You cant tell me it gets easier when I watch my best friend suffer and die in front of me.. It doesn't get easier..
He's gone. i can't say I'm sorry.. i can't hear him tell me that it's not my fault.. Nothing. I'm stuck here just having to wait for the pain to ease but it doesn't. at all. in fact, it just hurts more everyday because it's just another day that I regret not jumping in to save him when I had the chance..

I saw Micah's newspaper clippings yesterday and read what they all put.. It kind of hit me again that he's gone but this time a lot harder... I stayed up all last night just in fear of falling asleep to be woken up by the nightmare of that night.. I went through my phone and I called him.. They still haven't disconnected his phone so his voicemail still plays.. "Hey it'smicah. I can't answer the phone, leave a message and I'll call you back." I don't know what to think.. Did he give me this beautiful gift that I'll be able to hold and have forever and no matter what be able to say that she's mine.. I want to be able to call him or tell him about this, I know he'd be like in kind of shock that we're both so young but so happy at the same time.. Keely, she was Micah's girlfriend.. They weren't dating yet but they hung out every single day and he always wanted to be with her and he was going to her out but... that didn't happen.. She's so pumped about Aubree.. Because they're best friends.. but whatbothers me the most.. When we are in the emergency room... Aubree has her whole family there for support and my family isn't there because they don't care. My brother will show up.. but that's it... I have no family support.. and that hurts me so much.. Micah's step mom knows and brother knows about it and they said they'd be there.. So they're my family support.. but I just wish my family cared enough to show up and be there for me.

In all honesty, it runs in her family.. That if her body takes on to much stress her body will start shutting down and for worse to come. The Doctor said that the stress of having a baby would be way to much on Aubree's body and they don't want to risk it and lose Aubree during the birth.. So they said they will have to cut her open, possibly two months early or her body will start shutting down and her heart will fail.. Also, it's because of how tiny she is.. I can't believe you can't hardly even see her baby bump.. I guess now that we realize she's pregnant, it's more noticeable.. She's been on birth control since day one so I never really thought she'd get pregnant.. I mean, anything is possible.. But now that we know, it's more noticeable.
It's crazy to think about that I'll be a daddy in a month or two.. It's scary.

Aubree said that we can have the middle be something that had to do with Micah and i'mc ompletely fine with that.
I'm excited but super nervous.
I have two months really to prepare myself because Aubree always had this sickness since she was little, her body can't take on a lot of stress without starting to shut down.. so they already said they are going to have to cut her open to get the baby because they know her body won't be able to take on the stress. They said the baby can be a little bit younger than two months premature when they go in and get her.. which gives me really only two months to egt anything ready.
I'm super nervous.

I know I promised you.. i feel so miserable.. I was with some friends and we drank a lot.. and I kept telling Aubree, I just want to go down to Micah's memorial.. but she said she wouldn't go.. so I walked alone.. I swear, probably the most depressing walk I've ever taken in my life. I sat down there for maybe two hours because a few of my friends and Aubree came down there looking for me..
This is so much to take in and I honestly wish I could just be gone.. I wish i didn't have to see my own friend go the way he did... I just want to forget about that night.. forget that anything even happened and just get on with my life but I can't.. My stupid mind won't let me forget anything.. am I supposed to be like that for the rest of my life? Seriously? I can't take it..
Every time I realize he's gone, it hits me but only ten times harder.. It hurts.. I'm so desperate to stop the pain.. I don't know.

So. I'm not going to lie about it.. I did something so stupid..
I got myself really messed up to the point where i couldn't stand or talk anymore.. not only off of alcohol..
):

haha thank you. I love her so damn much.
and yeah, I know he's looking down on those he has helped and those that are his friends and his family.. Like today, it's easy to understand that he's gone but then some nights.. I just get so mad at myself for not trying to help.. not Jumping in.. anything and I cry for hours about it.. My life has changed so much..

That's true.. Time heals everything but no matter how much time passes, I'm always going to feel some pain.. I'm going to remember the best friend I had and the way he went..
It's crazy... He inspired me so much.. He lost his mom when he was 13.. His stepdad shot his mom and then killed himself afterwards when Jasper was sleeping.. That's always been something that he struggled with.. because He walked in the room and saw it.. I remember that day like it was yesterday... I know that when he was out with friends or with Keely.. He tried everything possible to hide the pain.. He went through so much and always had time too help others even when he has his own problems..
He was always says that he couldn't wait for the day he can see his mom again.. Well, that day came..
</3 That's what gives me comfort.. He's with the one person he wanted to be with the most.

I thought about it.. I thought about going in to that house one last time before they move away but what I don't want to have happen is to get there, talk about things that they want to talk about then having to leave and not be able to because I will miss Micah even more.. I don't want to hurt anymore and I'm crazy desperate to do whatever I can to drown it out.. To get that stupid movie of that night out of my head. Hearing him yell out like he did for me to help him.. I don't want to remember that.. He liked 16 years of happiness, 16 years of courage and love and everything. i want to be able to celebrate that.. and not look at his death as a bad thing, when sometimes it is.. But I want to be able to smile when I think of Micah.. Get what I am saying?

Some day's it's easy to get through and some day's, I just wish i never woke up.. I know that nothing I do is going to bring him back.. Nothing.. His family is still my family, I love all of them.. It's just hard. When I lived at his house, he walked in on the most awkward moments with me and Aubree and he walked over to the bed and I covered myself with blankets and He looked me in the eyes and shot me with a nerf gun.. We both laughed so hard.. like we weren't afraid to do anything in front of each other, I mean.. Aubree and I have been together for 2 years, We're going to have .. He knows it. Everyone should too. haa. It just sucks to not have someone to shoot at with nerf guns with at 2 in the morning. Nobody to come home to and tell about how my date went with Aubree... He was something else..

The docters told Aubree awhile ago that she has this sickness that when she gets stressed out, her body shuts down.. She told me that she can't stand seeing me like this, it stresses her out.. and it makes her sick.. I told her, there isn't a point in wasting your breath on telling me Micah's death isn't my fault.. Because I'll always have that little part of me that will think i'm the blame. It's my mind.. It won't let me live it down.. I hate myself for causing me so much damage mentally and emotionally.. Half of me died that night Micah drown.. and I'll never get that part of me back.. ever.

I didn't really hang out with anyone much before that besides Aubree and Micah and Keely.. Those are the only people I really enjoyed to be around... Us 4 were family.. Without Micah, I hardly see Keely anymore.. I haven't talked to her since 2 days after the funeral.. She's been a wreck.. and When i was coming home from my friend Ian's.. Micah's house is up for sale.. I feel like so much has changed in the last month, I'm not on track at all..
I feel like Aubree is the only one left who truly understands me.. Who excepts me for the way I am.. Aubree and I are not doing the best in our relationship right now.. I feel like we're one string from being completely torn apart from all of this happening.. that's how much I've changed.. And If i ever lost Aubree, you don't have you doubt that I wouldn't do anything, because I would lose my mind.. I would destroy myself every single way possible .. I sometimes don't want to even be alive and I just wish I could have took his place, i would in a heartbeat if I could turn back time..
I wanted to go to Riverfront that day and meet keely and Aubree there.. and Micah wanted to go to Keelys house and just have Aubree meet us up there, but Aubree said she'd meet us at riverfront already.. so that's why we went and we were just like, we will go off our rope swing that we put up.. but it was the worst thing that we could have ever done and if I just would have went to keely's like he wanted, he'd stilll be here..
It's hard...
I don't want to accept that he's gone..

That's exactly how it feels.. I told myself he was just on vacation, he's coming home.. Something.. I actually did call his phone a few times and it's still on so it goes to his voicemail.. and I can hear him talking and it gives me a little bit of comfort in that.. but I just want to wake up too a text from him saying, Meet up with Keely and I down at Rays or something.. but I don't get that anymore.
He was a great guy and his family are all amazing people.. He had a younger brother and an older brother who both loves him to the moon and back.. He was such an inspiration and helped with as much as he could. He helped me through some things in my relationship. He had my back whenever and I had his and I really miss that... and I don't want anyone to come along and feel like they can take his place..
But what I'm scared about is.. When things do start lightening up.. I don't want to forget him.. I don't want to forget his voice.. I don't want to forget the way he talked about things.. See, I just miss the old times.. I'm depressed.

we would both be seniors this year and we had so much planned out and i don't know how I'm going to make it..
I feel like I lost my own son or something.. I just can't get over it.. and sometimes I wonder if reality has even hit me yet, because Micah's step mom told me to come over and sit down and talk for awhile.. but I don't want to because I'll realize, Micah's bedroom door will be closed and the dubstep won't be blasting where his step mom would yell turn it down.. and Sometimes, it's almost like he isn't gone.. but then i remember, he is.. and it hits again that what has happened and it hurts even more..