I have not visited the websites. Some, not many, may remember me. I
decided to come back and look through my favs, my old quotes ( most
of which were deleted by me) . If any of you knew, I was very sad.
I faved sad stuff, I made sad quotes about my life. I thought I
tell you guys where I am today . ( TRIGGER WARNING)
I'm gunna start out with the bad stuff..
It hasn't gotten better for me.. yet ! I'm still
self-harming. sadly. I developed an eating disorder. I have very
bad anxiety/social anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
It's honestly ruined my life at an age so young. I never
thought I'd turn out like this.. honestly, some of the time I
have no hope for the future, I either picture myself dead, or all
alone. My family has destroyed me, they are the main cause for my
ed and why I think they way I do. Looking back on November 14th
2012, I regretted making the decision to self harm. I thought I
could honestly control it and it'd be a one time thing. It
wasn't it, and I sure as hell can't control it. I
can't look at food without crying and thinking of my body. I
can't do anything without being on the verge of an anxiety
attack. My depression is worsening, and everyday I think of
suicide. I hate myself.But when I see someone else feeling the same
way I do, I jump and hurry to help them, no one deserves to feel
this way. It's sickening. And to anyone who romantizes this ,
is sickening. It's not beautiful what I've done to myself,
being sad won't make people love me more. It won't do
anything beneficial to you. It's disgusting. I can't
function nd get through the day with this I have no one to
talk to about, because nobody but one person that's
barely i my life anymore knows.
Now for the good stuff..
I'm far over that guy that I thought I was in love
A couple more of my friends now know about my sexuality.
I met new friends
There's not many good stuff for me, but it's a start. I
have to hope for the future, becaue I've been this way for over
3 fracking years and I'm still here. Even with the word
Fat carved into my upper thigh, and tears streaming down my
face as writing this. I have hope that one day my body image will
mean nothing to me, that I will love to live life, that I will want
to live life. I have hope that one day, in the future, far away,
that everything will eventually be okay. I have hope, that one day,
when I'm sitting in my apartment someplace sunny, watching tv,
or doing dishes, feeding the cat, that something, just something,
will snap inside of me. That in that very moment my head will
clear, that I have this empty feeling, but not a sad one, one I
won't be familair with, because it will be happiness. Happiness
that I deserve. I will look back and see how far I've come and
thank to god I didn't end my life. I can make it, you
will make it. A little hope is all you need.