Black_Cat

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Joined: September 20, 2012
Last Seen: 7 years
user id: 331384
Gender: F
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Quotes by Black_Cat

VAS HAPPENIN

Selene?!?
'Twas the Night Before Christmas Remix #2

'Twas the second before Christmas, and all through the cave,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a leopard.
The smocks were hung by the loveseat with care,
In hopes that St. Darleen soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their tables,
While visions of sugar-hot dogs danced in their biceps.
And daughter in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the refrigerator to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
touched open the shutters, and shot up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-millennium to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a wet wrench, and eight tiny hippopotami.

With a little old driver, so lively and dirty,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Darleen.
More rapid than armadillos his hippopotami they came,
And he whistled, and flirted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Lawrence! Now, Milk Carton and Vixen!
On, Toddler! On Chimpanzee! On, Pair Of Pants and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the horseshoe!
Now shave away! Shave away! Shave away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the loveseat St. Darleen came with a bound.

His eyes -- how they juggled! His dimples, how silky!
His thighs were like slugs, his toenail like a liver!

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the smocks, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his hip aside of his earlobe,
And giving a nod, up the loveseat he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good second!"

-- "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," corrupted and abridged.

nmq - www.rinkworks.com
'Twas the Night Before Christmas Remix

'Twas the millennium before Christmas, and all through the office building,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an aardvark.
The belts were hung by the card table with care,
In hopes that St. Terry soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their sofas,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their eyelashes.
And sister in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
pinched open the shutters, and smacked up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-morning to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a beautiful sidearm, and eight tiny whales.

With a little old driver, so lively and shiny,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Terry.
More rapid than rabbits his whales they came,
And he whistled, and waddled, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Stephanie! Now, Chalkboard and Vixen!
On, Lady! On Vulture! On, Pair Of Pants and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the deck of cards!
Now chortle away! Chortle away! Chortle away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the card table St. Terry came with a bound.

His eyes -- how they mused! His dimples, how monumental!
His earlobes were like butter knives, his knuckle like a pickle!

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the belts, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his shoulder aside of his snout,
And giving a nod, up the card table he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a snap,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good millennium!"

-- "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," corrupted and abridged.


nmq - www.rinkworks.com
Kid Quotes


"I'm being haive!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave   "I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

 

"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

 

"I'm glad I'm finally eight. This is the oldest I've ever been in my entire life!" -- 8 year old son.

 

"I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

 

"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

 

"Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

 

"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

 

"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

 

"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

 

"Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

 

"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

 

"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

 

"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

 

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

 

"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

 

"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

 

"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

 

"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

 

"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

 

"Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.

 

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

 

"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet



nmq's
Real Restaurant Fails

"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.

"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.

 "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
Menu Catastrophe # 1

"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.
School Excuse Letters from Parents

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."



real letters!
nmq

Car accident Report # 1



"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
Customer: "So, is there a spray I can buy for my computer?"

Tech Support: "Er, I beg your pardon?"

Customer: "You know, a spray -- one that I can spray the inside of my computer with."

Tech Support: "What sort of spray are we talking about here?"

I thought perhaps he had seen someone use a can of compressed air to clean out a machine and mistook it for some sort of spray.

Customer: "Well, I was hoping that there would be a spray that would kill all the viruses."

Tech Support: "Aaaah...ummm...you mean like a bug spray? For computer viruses?"

Customer: "Yes! Would that help?"

Tech Support: "I'm really very sorry, but nobody makes anything like that. Computer viruses are just a name we give to malicious software. We use the word 'virus' because it explains how the software behaves."

Customer: "So...no spray then."

Tech Support: "No."



nmq


Customer: "YOU GAVE ME A VIRUS!"

Tech Support: "I don't think I've got a virus."

Customer: "Go download [a brand of virus checker], and you'll see."

Sometime later I dutifully ran the checker.

Tech Support: "Ok, I ran it. No virus."


Customer: "You MUST have a virus. You gave it to me. It was all over my system. You must not have run the checker properly." (yell, rant, rave, repeat checks, etc)

Tech Support: "How did I give it to you?"

Customer: "On those floppies with the latest revision of the software you wrote."

Tech Support: "The ones you just returned?"

Customer: "Yeah."

Tech Support: "Just a sec...let me check those." (pause) "Well, I found a virus on the disks. Ahem...seems you were about to pass a virus on to ME."

Customer: "Ah...lemme get back to you." (click)





nmq - 
http://www.rinkworks.com/