kiwi*

I HOPE YOU ALWAYS FIND A REASON TO SMILE.






 

We are taught never
to shed tears. For
to shed tears means
that the body has
been defeated by
emotion. And, to 
us, that simple act
of crying proves,
without question, that
the existence of
emotion is nothing
but a burden.





 

I want to be happy. I want a genuine good day, with no bad luck, but I don't want it to be a good day just because of luck. I want a good day as if God was handing it to me like a prize saying, "Here. This is your reward. You've earned it, you've worked hard to get to where you are." Even if I have no clue as to where I am or why I'm even here. I want a day where I can have no worries and there are no flaws. I want a day where I can actually feel relief and not the constant stress of knowing demons have been chasing me for 3 years and they haven't stopped yet. I want a day where I have family and friends with me, everyone is gathered together, like this is our one and only chance to see everyone at once and we don't have another chance. I want a day where I can be happy and where I can be myself without being judged. I want a day where I can actually show who I am and that I may not be okay sometimes, without everyone either feeling bad or not giving crap about it. I want a day where I don't have to hide myself and I want a day where I don't have a reason to hide myself. I just want a day where everyone understands me and my quirks and what I want or need. I want a day where I can actually get to somewhere in my life without breaking down. I want a day where there isn't any reason to put my guard up so I won't get hurt, even though my guard isn't strong enough to keep me happy and not hurt. I just want a day where it's stress-free, no worries, happiness, no sadness, no doubts, everyone is understanding, when I can feel relief and happiness, just a day where nothing goes wrong. I want a day where I can actually smile a real smile for a picture, and not a day where I don't understand how to smile a real smile. I don't want people to have to urge me to give them a real smile, because I can't give them one. I just want a day where I'll be okay.

“He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.” 
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated





 

♥

kclove5(c)

you were my dream. you were my everything. you were everything I could ever ask for.
I could say the same.
what happened?
we found something better.



 

When I first started getting thoughts, I said, "You know what? This is ridiculous. I need to make myself better. Moping around and complaining won't solve my problems." Because it really won't. I wanted to make myself better. I needed to make myself better. My life wasn't going to get any better if I didn't solve the problems within it. So, I was trying to let go. Let go of things that were sad. I tried to make myself happy, and the first few weeks were very hard. I kept falling and going into relapse and I just didn't think I would be able to be happy anymore. It felt like I was trying to get past a boulder that was at least 10 times bigger than me and there wasn't a way to get past it, not even a small hole between walls and the ground. I so terribly wanted to give up. I didn't give up though, because I said to myself, "If others can do it, I can do it too." A few weeks later, I wanted to give up again because it felt like I hadn't made any process and I just didn't have enough faith in myself due to being severely upset and insecure for 3 years. I was having a hard time riding a bike through Life without training wheels. I was alone. I kept pushing everyone away because I believed that I and they would be happier, but that wasn't proven. I wanted to give up so bad because I didn't see a point in trying to make myself better. I didn't see me being more happy in life for a reason. I just saw no point in it. But, I kept going. 
My point is, I've been trying to get myself to be happier and more confident and more positive for a month or two. There were moments where I saw no point in trying, no point in making myself better. There were moments where I fell off of the bike and I didn't feel like getting back up. I was tired of trying because I kept falling. If you are really sad or depressed, please get help or help yourself. Even if you don't think you deserve happiness, everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves a happy ending. You need to learn to appreciate what you have, even if it isn't a lot, because you have a lot more than you need. You're still living, right? You're on an electronic reading this, right? There is internet around you to read this, right? You have more than you need. You need to be more positive and you need to get up and try. You need to get on that bike and get back on the trail to finish the journey of Life. If you keep falling off the bike, if you can't balance yourself, it's ok to ask for help. You never know who will be there to catch you when you fall or who will be there to help you if you have problems. It's ok to be assissted in riding the bike for a little bit. You just need to learn how to ride it by yourself for the rest of the trip. The longer you ride, the more you stay on, the stronger you'll be. The more problems you can face. You'll be able to ride through a storm. Just keep on riding that bike to keep it balanced. Just don't give up. If you give up permanently, that's when you become a failure. Don't give up.

I don't know if I've given up hope on the hopeless.
They make them-self so stubborn and so difficult to save.
I don't know if I should give up or keep trying in someone
I can't convince.



 

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
would You come close and hold my heart?



 

"and if you can't see anything
beautiful about yourself,
get a better mirror.
look a little closer.
stare a little longer. 
because there's something inside you..
.. that made you keep trying
despite everyone
who told you to quit.
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
'they were wrong'."