Sometimes I could just cry for days, but other
times I can cry for a little bit and then be done with it.
Certain things are harder to deal with, but I always figure it
out. I may not be "daddy's little girl" but I got
to be for a little while and I guess that's okay too. He may
not have been the best dad out there, but I'm sure that there
are plenty worse out there. My dad hasn't lived with my
family for almost three years now, and we seem to be doing okay
but when certain things come about it get tough. Such as
Father's day in June. I used to get so excited when I was in
elementary school because we'd always have a store for
certain holidays to buy gifts for people and that was one of
them. I always had one friend that I felt bad for because never
bought anything because she didn't have a dad to buy for, and
I guess I'm kind of that girl now. He's still alive, but
he is barely a part of my life and it's as if he is not even
here anymore. He used to be my hero when I was a little girl, and
I wanted to fix everything like he could. Now my hero has turned
into my enemy, and I have to save myself. It's his birthday
today, and yet I don't even want to wish a happy day. I feel
like I am a horrible daughter for this, but I know in some ways
I'm allowed to be because of what he did. I know he is my dad
and I should love him and be happy I have a dad, but in some ways
it's as if I don't even have a dad anymore when I can
only talk about him in the past tense. I wish I could find a way
to be okay with how I feel, but with every thought I find myself
feeling worse and worse about how I feel. Maybe some day I can
figure out the right way to feel, or atleast realize that
it's okay to think the way I do.