Crazy_Beautiful202

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Joined: February 7, 2012
Last Seen: 4 years
user id: 271798
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When you have been best friends with a person for so long, you start becoming that person.. You start talking like them, you start acting like them, saying the same jokes, and gesturing the same way. I picked up on a lot of Shayla's mannerisms, and noticed all the little things she did and vice versa. We shared our bad experiences, our pet peeves, our clothes, our friends. We'd go on and on about our future and how our weddings would be and what our kids would look like and where we wanted to travel, past boyfriends, future husband's, ect. Our conversations were the best. We shared everything with each other. We were attached at the hip from the moment I moved to this little town and we both loved doing crazy things. Some people go through years of random friendships and never experience as close of a relationship as ours. She opened up her house and family to me and I opened up my family and home to her. She became a sister to me. It's crazy how quickly she was taken from me. She always had my back and was always that one phone call or text away or that walk down the street distance.. And one morning, I wasn't there to protect her, she was gone. I would give anything to go back to that morning and fix it. I lost my best friend and sister. Why did God give me the chance to become close to Shayla again toward the end of her life? I don't know, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know her and share great memories with her. I still remember every little thing about her because, in a way, she is part of me. And I can still picture the car windows rolled down, wind in our hair, belting I want crazy from the top of our lungs on our random road trips we'd take. There isn't one day that goes past without the thought of her crossing my mind.

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I don't need the 4th of every month to know I've gone 20 months without you in my life. I feel your absense everyday.
I feel it when I go shopping, when I eat peanut butter, when I go through macdons drive thru, when I hear Luke Bryan or Hunter Hayes on the radio. I feel it when I read short stories, when I watch scary movies, when I straighten my hair or drive on a random back road. I feel it when I pass my test that I didn't study for, when I drink Dr. Pepper and when I take a swig of our ultimate favorite alcoholic beverage.
So much our our friendship consisted of such small everyday things. It's hard to do much of anything and not think of you and the fact that you're supposed to be here, but you're not.. And I just can't deal with that today.
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I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice.
Then, that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next was harder. And I knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse and I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time. Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again. I lose her when I pick up our picture in a frame; whenever that one song plays on the radio, or when I discover her sweatshirt that she left in my bedroom. I lose her every time I think about texting her, calling or wanting her. I go to bed at night and lose her, when I wish I could tell her about my day. And in the morning, I begin to lose her all over again.
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I'd love to say that I owe my happiness to my best friend. The person that has always been there for me, the one I can trust with everything. But that person is in a place that isn't even comprehensible. That same person that made my life incredible is also the one one that made it simply unbearable. With no one else to trust she left me to depend on myself to make my life what I want I want it to be. That quality is worth more than anything in this galaxy. I couldn't have thanked her enough for everything she did for me. There will forever be a spot in my heart for her. No one; nothing could ever change that. I love her more than words can explain. Forever and always. No matter what.


Quotes by Crazy_Beautiful202


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An open letter to my ex best friend,

It has been months since we last talked; who would have guessed that would ever happen? I still remember the point in time where we couldn't go a few hours without at least exchanging a pointless text message. So much has happened since we last talked and I've wanted to tell you all about it, but you're no longer the person you promised you would always be.
Don't think I have forgotten all about you, because I haven't. There's not a day that goes by where I don't wonder what you're up too. I sometimes scoll through our old pictures and remember our past together. It's so weird, growing up with you by my side, I never thought I would lose you. You were in all my plans for my future, but people change. You changed. I guess I can't really blame you for that. As we grow up, we become the people we are meant to be and unfortunately who you became was not the person I needed in my life any longer. The person who was supposed to always have my back was suddenly talking behind it. The person who was supposed to be a phone call away, no longer responded. Endless hours of conversations turned into one-word texts. We were growing apart and no matter how much we tried to fight it, one of us had to eventually accept, It was when I realized that being around you made me unhappy that I knew I had to end our friendship. Never in a million years would either of us have seen this coming. It was an unbreakable bond that we shared, but after countless nights of crying and never ending fights, I just had to come to terms with the fact that you weren't good for me. You weren't bringing anymore happiness into my life.
Although it has to end this way, please don't ever think that all these years together meant nothing to me. I will cherish them forever; our random singing, sleepovers that consisted of no sleep, adventures we shared, the nights we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. You were my person and I will always remember you and I will always care for you.
We each choose a path at some point in our life and undortunately, mine no longer included you.


 


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Losing you gets harder every single day. It's just another day I wake up to realize it's another 24 hours that I have to go without talking to you and that kills me. 

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I can't say it has been easy learning to live without you. But I can say I have made real progress.
I can talk about your death without crying. I can look people in the eye and tell them how you died. And now I finally feel like I can be honest with myself.
I've come to terms with the fact that I will never see you again. I used to look for you everywhere, hoping that you were watching over me and sending me signs. But I don't need you to linger anymore. I am finally at ease with your passing.
It pains me to amit that I think about you more now than I did when you were alive. I stare into your negative space and fear that one day I will go 24 hours without pausing to remember you. As the sound of your voice grows more distance, leaving parts of you behind seems inevitable.
Selfishly, one of the worst realizations is that you are only the first of the big losses I will face in my life. It's not just our grandparents who look older these days and our parents no longer seem as invincible as they once did. I've also realized that you might not be the only friend who dies young or unexpectedly. And as cliche as it sounds, I've lost my sense of adolescent immortality. I know it could just as easily be me.
While it is frightening to think of what comes next, somehow, in your own way, you've prepared me for it. I think it would make you, the eternal optimist that you were, happy to know that your friendship keeps making me a better, stronger person. You showed me that I can function in the face of tragedy. You taught me the vocabulary of grief so I can comfort others when they need it. I never would have asked for it to be this way, but if this is what I can take from it, I will.
So, friend, that's all I have to share for now. I'll raise a glass for you and as always, I'll keep you in my thoughts.


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I think the saddest thing in the world is to watch someone you love so much turn into everything you hate..

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There isn't enough bottles I could drink to make them feel as empty as I do..

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I miss you so damn much.. I can't stop crying.

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 Dear Shayla,
I miss you. I never thought for a second forever would come to an end.
I just always knew there would be another conversation, another chance to say I love you.. I was for sure that tomorrow would always come. I never pictured life without you and it hurts to realize that another memory won't be created, another laugh won't be shared and another moment won't be made.
It's like, how do I say goodbye to yesterday when everything I have to hold on to about you, lives there. And honestly waking up sometimes is bittersweet for me because everything seems normal until I open my eyes and realize it was just a dream.
After you left, I lived in regret for so long; thinking I could have been there more, thinking I should have called more, thinking I should have prayed for you more. I think to myself a lot about why is it so easy to express how much you love somebody once their no longer here?
Why didn't I make more of an effort to give you the roses while you can still smell them?
These thoughts were killing me. Until I realized something.. Until I realized that this is how you would want to be remembered. This isn't how you'd want our relationship to be remembered. You were to much of a happy soul to want anybody to live in regret and grief forever. You wouldn't want a celebration of your life because you believed that death isn't the end. Before a saved soul is just the beginning. This is nothing but the eternal reward that we all seek. You'd want me to keep your legacy alive by giving the world something that you taught me.
I hear you saying now, "Tori, it's not your job to understand God's plan but it is your job to trust it, even when it hurts to do so. And remember, blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."
Just thinking about that keeps me strong. Me doing something in your memory makes me feel closer to you than I ever felt. It's like I can see your presence. It's like you're more alive to me than you've ever been. Now those tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy.
You taught me three things that I want people to hold on to once i'm gone.
Number 1: Is John 3:16.
Number 2: Is never live in regret but appreciation.
Number 3: Don't pass away with me but keep what I believe alive through you.



And I'll leave you with this.. You know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.
So leave to appreciate them all.


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 So this is how it ends; this is where it all goes down.
This is what "I don't love you" feels like.


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What was it like to lose her?
It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me.. said all at once.


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I loved you like there was no tomorrow, and then one day, there wasn't.

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