When you have been best friends with a person for so long, you start becoming that person.. You start talking like them, you start acting like them, saying the same jokes, and gesturing the same way. I picked up on a lot of Shayla's mannerisms, and noticed all the little things she did and vice versa. We shared our bad experiences, our pet peeves, our clothes, our friends. We'd go on and on about our future and how our weddings would be and what our kids would look like and where we wanted to travel, past boyfriends, future husband's, ect. Our conversations were the best. We shared everything with each other. We were attached at the hip from the moment I moved to this little town and we both loved doing crazy things. Some people go through years of random friendships and never experience as close of a relationship as ours. She opened up her house and family to me and I opened up my family and home to her. She became a sister to me. It's crazy how quickly she was taken from me. She always had my back and was always that one phone call or text away or that walk down the street distance.. And one morning, I wasn't there to protect her, she was gone. I would give anything to go back to that morning and fix it. I lost my best friend and sister. Why did God give me the chance to become close to Shayla again toward the end of her life? I don't know, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know her and share great memories with her. I still remember every little thing about her because, in a way, she is part of me. And I can still picture the car windows rolled down, wind in our hair, belting I want crazy from the top of our lungs on our random road trips we'd take. There isn't one day that goes past without the thought of her crossing my mind.
I don't need the 4th of every month to know I've gone 20 months without you in my life. I feel your absense everyday.
I feel it when I go shopping, when I eat peanut butter, when I go through macdons drive thru, when I hear Luke Bryan or Hunter Hayes on the radio. I feel it when I read short stories, when I watch scary movies, when I straighten my hair or drive on a random back road. I feel it when I pass my test that I didn't study for, when I drink Dr. Pepper and when I take a swig of our ultimate favorite alcoholic beverage.
So much our our friendship consisted of such small everyday things. It's hard to do much of anything and not think of you and the fact that you're supposed to be here, but you're not.. And I just can't deal with that today.
I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice.
Then, that day arrived and it was so damn hard but the next was harder. And I knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse and I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time. Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again. I lose her when I pick up our picture in a frame; whenever that one song plays on the radio, or when I discover her sweatshirt that she left in my bedroom. I lose her every time I think about texting her, calling or wanting her. I go to bed at night and lose her, when I wish I could tell her about my day. And in the morning, I begin to lose her all over again.
I'd love to say that I owe my happiness to my best friend. The person that has always been there for me, the one I can trust with everything. But that person is in a place that isn't even comprehensible. That same person that made my life incredible is also the one one that made it simply unbearable. With no one else to trust she left me to depend on myself to make my life what I want I want it to be. That quality is worth more than anything in this galaxy. I couldn't have thanked her enough for everything she did for me. There will forever be a spot in my heart for her. No one; nothing could ever change that. I love her more than words can explain. Forever and always. No matter what.