confession #209
i just feel like writing.
lately, my thoughts are becoming jumbled together. they start out
somewhere, and they flow for awhile. then they mix in with others
and my mind starts to race. i think about so many different
things. sometimes it's about how i can better myself. how i
can make myself a better person. etc. then i realize i'll
always be a bad person, and i switch to a different topic. i look
at my wrists, and see the burns. i look at my hips, and see the
scars. i look at my stomach, and see the bruises. sometimes i
wonder where it all went wrong. i think of my uncle, and how
he's never coming back. right now i'm reading the lovely
bones, and i wonder if he watches me. i wonder if he's with
me when i'm feeling alone. i wonder if he's with me in a
room full of crowded people. sometimes i think i see him
somewhere. i see his big red basketball shirt, and his spiky
black hair. then i realize it's just some stranger and
i'm dumb for thinking i could ever possibly see him. then i
think of school. it's not as easy as it used to be. things
aren't as easy for me. even when i try my hardest, i end up
giving up anyway. when i think about school, my mind goes to
lunch. how she barely ate today. how she had so many more hair
ties. i wonder if she saw me staring at them in disgust while she
was talking to me. i look from her eyes to her wrist, and then
look away because i can't take it anymore. i think about
cutting my own wrists. i could easily cover them up with hair
ties too. i even bought a new pack of them. but everyday i go to
school and come home, my mom makes me take them off. she says
they'll cut off my circulation, but i don't mind. i
think of landon, and then i stop. it's pointless. i think of
michael. he's not even in my life anymore, so i stop that
too. i think of dustin. of how i want to be with him so badly. i
know he would love me, unlike the others. he would care about me.
he would treat me right. then i think of his beautiful
girlfriend, and the thoughts fade. my mind jumps to silly, stupid
things then. i think about the past more then anything. of how i
long to go back. back to.. the day i was born. i could've
done things so differently. i hate my mind. i can remember
things, detail for detail. i remember five years ago. second
grade. reading class. i got my first bad grade on a test, it was
a c. i remember my teacher. she would always make us say we were
'finished', not 'done.' i remember two years ago.
fifth grade. november. lunch. the first time he told me he liked
me. i remember so many things, but most of them i wish i could
forget. my mind starts somewhere, and then it gets mixed up.
it's like my mind is lost. scared. hopeless.
like me.
i just felt like writing, that's
all.