Cryszxo

format-br0kenwings LEAVE THIS HERE PLEASE.

 

hello.

i was an active user on this website in middle school, and just remembered it.
if there is anyone left here, please take this post to heart.

if you visit my profile and read my last post, it explains how much i loved this site.
it also details in about how i felt the last time i logged in, about a year and a half ago.

yes, i was an oblivious middle schooler on this site at first.
but, even so, i was still very niave in my last post.

i wrote:
"but this year 2014, I fell for a guy who loved me back.
Or so i thought.
He was bad for me, but I was too oblivious to see it.
He took my virginity, turned me against friends, encouraged me to try bad things and sneak around with him.... even got me pregnant which ended in miscarriage.
we broke up.
I still dont quite understand the meaning of love, im only 16.
But compared to what I wrote about in middle school, I have experienced a whole different world of relationships.
My eyes have been opened to the realities of the world.
I have struggled with depression, self harm. etc...
And its sad because things used to be so different."

...
yes, i experienced all of those things and it sucked.
but i feel sick reading that back, because 16 is even so young to think i had it all figured out.
i didn't know love in middle school, and i didn't know love at 16.

i just graduated high school and just since the beginning of 2016,
i did learn the true meaning of love.

i met a boy and had a genuine relationship.
we spent everyday together, with family, enjoying the simplicities of life.
we made love, we grew together, we helped each other through personal struggles.
we were bound at the hip and nothing made us happier than each other.
in this relationship, i also endured something no one should ever have to experience.

i got a call in the middle of the night, from my boyfriend's mom.
he had secretly been suicidal and attempted to jump out in front of a speeding car.
he was detained and checked into a mental hospital facility for 10 days. 
during that time, i comforted his mother and friends.
i brought them all back together and pieced his life together while he was away.
i sacrificed my own commitments to be there to take him home.
when he exited that building and i looked into his eyes, holding his hand the whole ride home,
i saw the whole world within his deep brown eyes.
his smile and laugh, the lights back on in his soul shining through his eyes,
the sunset glimmering in the distance, 
all of the pain and struggles of that horrid week were worth it, 
just for that moment of seeing the purity of his happiness with me and the world we live in.

that's when i found love. 
i couldn't have asked for anything more in the world in that moment.
my chest was poundng, with my heart so full of pride and love.

i had dreamed at age 13 on witty profiles,
and again at 16...
of finding the true meaning of love, 
and experiencing something much bigger than myself and the materialistic physical world.

i found it.
and while things didn't ultimately work out with that boy, i've accepted that it's okay.
that's a form of love too.
enjoying each other in the moments that you are given together,
then being mature enough to decide what is right for your future, together or apart.
he will always be my first love.
and i know that my 13 year old self
would have fallen apart and given up on love after reading my 18 year old self's love story,
but she has now realized that life is beautiful because it presents many chances for that pure love.

never give up on finding it again.

You hurt me when I'm good   
to you. 

You lie to me even whenI tell you the truth. 

You leave me after I give you attention. 

You walk away when I ask you something after I answer your question. 

You ignore me when you have someone better to talk to. 

You only love me when I'm beneficial. 
You only want me when you're lonely. 

You don't care how my day was, but you'll tell me about yours. 

You don't love me 
the   way  I   love   you. 
 

 

 

Ten Women I Have Been Warned Against Becoming:

1. The Girl Who Takes Up Too Much Space, always, her shoulders too wide in stairwells, her hips too big in doorways, her voice too loud in classes. This woman does not understand the art of crumbling, of curling herself tight like the spiral of a fern, soft, delicate, unwilling to reach out the ivy of her fingers to grasp onto what should rightfully be hers. This is a beast, an elephant, a moving mountain and she is capable of flattening you, she is capable of ruining you, she is capable of making you feel as small and insignificant in her life as she is supposed to be. You are this woman’s footnote to history, you are her side note in song lyrics, you are constantly interrupted by her with a witty joke you wish you thought of. I asked what the problem was with being a steamroller instead of a sunflower and I was laughed down.

2. The Beautiful One, the long hair or the slim waist or the pretty eyes or the lips like bowstrings. This woman looks good in everything because she’s confident in whatever you put her in. She’ll cut her hair short on you no matter how you like it, she’ll wear high heels and step on your opinions, she’ll look hot as hell no matter what size she is. See, the reason you can’t trust her is because women like this don’t need your permission, they’ll do as they please and get away with it. They’ll say no to you, over and over. Teach your daughters that beautiful means dangerous, teach them to distrust women who love themselves. Equate beautiful with vapid, equate pretty with stupid, take their power from them. Say they’re vain for their makeup, refuse to see them without it. These women are snakes, they are serpents. I said maybe the problem lies with you being unable to control yourself and was told to get off my pedestal.

3. A Bítch. Women are supposed to be ladies in the street but will tear skin under sheets. I’m told: Never raise your voice. Speak gently. Submit. Hold your opinion against your lips and when you admit to it, make sure it comes out as a butterfly wing suggestion. Don’t disagree. Don’t undermine someone else’s authority, regardless of whether or not they deserve your respect. Someone touches you, just move away from them. Don’t hit. Don’t talk back. Be like the ruins of Rome, only beautiful if you can’t hear your quiet death.

4. The Needy One. I have heard how others spit when they talk about how she gave you everything and you shoved it back down her throat until she choked on it, until she came back crawling and asked you what she did, until her palms and knees were scraped for want of just a little affection - never be this woman, I’m told, because she’s a joke and the joke is that she dared to have more emotion than you did. The truth is, I’m told, the one who cares less in a partnership is the one who wins. I didn’t know this was a competition.

5. The Cóck Tease, certified strípper, how dare that girl look like that and not want me to sleep with her. Lúst is always personified as a lady in red with a dress slit up her thigh. Lúst is sinful because it’s power, it’s not asking for attention - it’s demanding it. I’m told she is the worst kind of woman, that looking good is supposed to be some kind of shame on her kin. I’m told not to leave the house in such a short skirt, not with a shirt so low, not with a lace back, not with high heels, not dressed like that. My lipstick can’t be too red, my hair can’t be too mussed, I can’t just “turn someone on like that and then leave them wanting.” I mentioned that instant gratification actually ruins our psyche and was told that being led on was “exhausting.” I said that there was a difference between purposefully tricking someone into liking you and just being attractive or friendly. I was told there’s also a difference between coffee and tea but both result in caffeine. I said, “I’ve been turned on in class by the girls I talk to but I didn’t expect anything from them,” and they said, “It’s different, you’re not a man,” but couldn’t explain where that difference was.

6. A Slút, obviously ruined by another person’s touch. It doesn’t matter how many people she’s actually been with, it’s all about the rumors she carries with her. Easy. Hárlot. You’ll still try to get with her, you’ll still take her into your bed and kiss her and say things you don’t mean - but you’ll defame her name when you talk to your buddies. My father used to say “A slút is fine for the night, but the vírgin is who you take home and marry.” Maybe he didn’t know he was teaching his daughter to hate her séxuality. Maybe he didn’t know that every time she’d be kissed, her whole system would shake until she felt ready to combust, shame and self-hatred shivering against her spine. Maybe he didn’t know she’d disconnect emotions and séx because he always told her, “Boys are different, they won’t care about you.” Nobody said to her that it was okay to experiment. See, the funny thing is, I’m a dancer so I know exactly where my center of gravity is. I know how hard I’ll fall in each direction. Yet out of fear of getting hurt, I won’t let a single person inside of my bed.

7. The Soulmate. Never love romance more than you love being cynical. Never show weakness, never like pink, never think maybe you might find someone nice and settle down with them. Someone will find you, I was told, And if you’re lucky, he’ll put up with you when you start getting old. Never be the woman who believes in happily ever after, never be dumb enough to think maybe someone could love you after all of your mistakes. It has nothing to do with whether or not a family is important to you and you’re in a good place where a relationship would make your life better - you’re not a princess. You don’t get married, you settle.

8. The Girl With Strength, who can outrun everyone and who is stronger than her boyfriend. “See the thing about boys,” says my daddy, “Is that you have to let them win.” I sat at home and read stories about Artemis and wanted to become the huntress, too. I wanted to howl at the moon, I wanted to slay the beasts that bested me, I wanted to rule my kingdom with bloody fists. But girls are never athletes, never supposed to be “built,” regardless of the fact civilizations were constructed on our spines and we made homes in war by the steel of our ribs. Never be strong. We are supposed to wilt.

9. The Lady CEO: because if you choose work over family, are you really a girl? How dare you fight your way to the top through every pair of eyes that bore through your blouse, through every meeting where you were hushed by the sound of someone else talking, through every time someone called you “sweetie,” how dare you yearn for something. Is your husband the stay-at-home one? I can’t imagine how that is going. He’s not a real man, after all. I don’t give it long before the divorce. How dare you decide you’re happy being single. Don’t you know you’re supposed to bear children. Where is your honor? Where is your wisdom? Who cares if you are the leader, the best suited for your position, the quickest-thinking, the one who makes the hardest clients come back again. Don’t you see? Across history, women have been terrible at success. They always lose their man in the end. (When I said, “I would rather be a famous author than a mediocre mother,” I was told, “No, don’t worry, you’ll be a fine mommy.”)

10. THE GIRL I AM: FIRECRACKER AND DON’T YOU FÚCKING FORGET IT I’LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS AND I WON’T FÚCKING REGRET IT I’M NOT YOUR PRETTY GIRL I’M NOT YOUR ANYTHING I’M PERFECT, MOTHERFÚCKER, AND I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP WHAT I’M DOING. I DON’T WANT TO BE “LADYLIKE” THAT LITERALLY MEANS NOTHING I’M NOT GOING TO STOP STANDING UP AND DEMANDING WHAT’S COMING TO ME. I’M GONNA BE SOMEBODY. I’M GONNA MAKE THEM REMEMBER ME. I REFUSE TO BE OVERSHADOWED IN HISTORY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO CREATE BUT YOU MADE ME A DRAGON YOU PUT ME IN THE FIRE AND WHEN I STOPPED BURNING I LEARNED HOW TO GLOW DON’T THINK YOU CAN STOP ME YOU CAN’T TAME A TORNADO.

 

r.i.d

Time stop
Slow like a falling star
Hopefully it's not my heart
That's going to crash
Here I am
In white wall that are chains
White everything
These white walls are like chains
Chains that don't let me move
One hour turns to 3 hours
3 hours turns to 10 hours
The wait is torturing me
Maybe my flower is a
Mayflower moonflower sunflower
But it's increasing my willpower