when i was
my heart was too big for my body
and there was this boy in my class who i hated
because his hair was stupid and his smile was stupid
and i couldn't speak properly when he was around.
i found out he liked my best friend
and that made me feel a bit hollow inside
so i crinkled my nose and hated him more
even when he tried to talk to me.
(have you ever hated someone that way?)
when i was eleven
our teacher sat us next to each other in class.
we laughed at everything with our eyes
and everyone else got annoyed
i'd lie in bed texting him until i fell asleep
(his hair was still stupid.)
when i was twelve,
i was freefalling into destruction,
but he could still make me smile
even when it hurt my heart to do it.
my dad was dying and my skin was scarred,
but he told stupid jokes that made it go away.
(maybe i dotted the i in his name with a heart.)
when i was thirteen,
we only had one class together,
but we sat together every single lesson
and drew on each others' hands
and the teacher thought we were dating.
i liked another guy for most of that year.
(i never told anyone that i liked the first boy, too.)
when i was fourteen,
i dated a tall guy who i didn't like
because i didn't want to admit that maybe i was in love
with my best friend,
who made fun of my boyfriend mercilessly.
i dumped him, but i never told him why.
i'm almost fifteen,
and my heart is still too big for my body.
these are all the things i'll never tell