DangerDove

Status: Just Chillin
Joined: June 4, 2012
Last Seen: 1 decade
user id: 305391
Location: Haha like i'd reveal that piece of information ville, Neverland
Gender: F



Quotes by DangerDove

To the Food that is just way too pretty to eat. :)
Student: Facebook, please, I'm trying to work
Facebook: Check Me! Check Meeeeeeee!
1: Open Fridge. Nothing to eat
2: Open Pantry. Nothing to eat
3: Lower Standards and repeat steps 1 and two
My Gym Class can't run worth a crap, our Gym Teacher even nicknamed us

'The Herd of Turtles.'

DOGS ARE BETTER THAN SOME MEN BECAUSE.....
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Monotone voices burbling on and on like a creek for hours on end, forcing you to look for the nearest sharp object or length of wire to end it all. Here's a way to change all of that... 

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks. 

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy

strategic fit

core competencies

best practice

bottom line

revisit

take that off-line

24/7

out of the loop

benchmark

value-added

proactive

win-win

think outside the box

fast track

result-driven

empower

knowledge base

solution

touch base

mindset

client focus

paradigm 

game plan 

leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 


4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"


Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Jack W., Boston
  "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
- David D., Florida
  "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
- Bill R., New York City 
  "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver 
  "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Kathleen L., Atlanta

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,
you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt,
Giva Schitt,
Fulla Schitt,
Bull Schitt,
and the twins
Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,
and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were
Dawg,
Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt,'
you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt