Status: i miss witty's glory days
Joined: April 10, 2013
Last Seen: 7 months
user id: 356389
Location: new jersey
Gender: F

i wrote these things when i was 14 and lonely, they are weird and cringy but i am glad they are preserved here. this is my time capsule. (04/11/20 check-in).

Quotes by hyperion*

you love him.
you are too young to understand.
you haven't truly loved before.
your father was abrasive,
your mother was mild,
and you don't exist to them anymore.
but this love exists to you.
you don't understand it yet.
you hope you aren't lying to yourself.
and the first time it happens, 
your body feels wrong.
until it doesn't.
kissing him doesn't.

and this.
you fall asleep face to face.
you wake up just the same.
this is the only place you can be true
to one another.
and gods, are you.
the truth spills out of your mouth,
the truth is every part of you,
the truth is what you share. 
the truth is your language,
and he looks so pretty, telling it.
you do not lie to him.
he does not lie to you.
you do not lie, except together.
truth, truth, truth.

and this.
he kisses you before you go.
he kisses himself before you go.
you've become him.
it's a sort of lie,
but you did always lie together.
his lips feel soft.
you have watched him become stone,
but he has never been anything but home
for you.
this is everything you have ever loved.
you are ready to fight for him.
you are ready to fight as him.
you are ready to die.
you say you will return safely.

lying isn't always voluntary.

i've never felt more at home than with two hundred-foot cliff faces beneath my feet and leagues of ocean before me. i've never felt more at home than looking out over a sunset on top of a mountain, with the smell of pine filling my lungs. i've never felt more at home than with the tide lapping closer and closer with every minute, while crabs scuttled at my feet. i've never felt more at home than when i wasn't home. and i've never been happier, than with the world before me.
knees knocking on consoles
floorboards creaking
the padding of your feet sounds like
an earthquake at four in the morning

but laughter at dawn sounds quiet
somehow it blends 
with the hues of the sky
and it weaves itself into the beginning of the rest of your life

loss isn't something you've experienced yet
your old apartment burnt to a husk
but you haven't burned like that yet
not yet, not yet

you watch the sunrises and the sunsets
and know the clouds like the backs of your palms
they remind you of yourself
always moving, changing, but clouds nonetheless

the ocean is something you've never seen
but you can hear it 
in the shells your friends bring back for you
distance, you think, is the greatest gift

suddenly, you're on fire,
you've never been on fire before
the ocean can't save you
and distance, you find, is a burden

sometimes, your eyes still burn 
and you have to clutch the pillow
because it's the only way you can sleep
when you're alone, alone, alone

it's like having a conversation
at the bottom of a swimming pool
but i guess that's suitable because you always did
make my lungs feel two sizes too small

i'm staring at you through a hundred broken lenses like
everything is valued in a different shade of blue
and i keep trying, i keep trying but
air bubbles dance up around me everytime i open my mouth to speak
— they dance as i sink and why are they dancing?
distantly, i can remember dancing with you
and maybe, dancing is the only way you can escape
when you're smiling too wide to cry for help

and i find myself gasping for air
but here, where sound is swallowed by depth
you could think that i'm laughing instead
chlorine burns my throat and
this is not what summer is supposed to taste like

i can't feel the wetness or the cold just yet
but i can feel myself going, going, going
and as my visions blurs, the last thing i see is
grinning from behind a scuba mask,
and i can't help but wonder:
why are you allowed to breathe while i drown? 
my ghosts have the summer
to run free
to rediscover
every crevice of me

they have been hidden away
for too long
behind my eyelids
and between my fingers

they are a part of me
and will be treated as such
i cannot hide
in my own walls

and i will relearn my life
every part of it
as it has happened
and as it will be

the mountains still stand tall
after earthquakes, and each rock
to have been loosened by the shaking
only leaves a new handhold to reach the top

a solemn boat drifting out to sea,
only ridges of mountains say goodbye to me.
and you, my dear, you were there too,
silently begging from behind eyes of blue.

i lit myself on fire
only to keep you warm

and when you got too hot
you had no qualms about
putting out my light

you were the wind and i was a willow
submissive, bending to your force
branches torn and whipped, forgotten
in the wake of you

i was icarus and you were daedalus
except you gave me no warnings
and i was willing to your every wish
and so you sent me flying 
into the hottest star
the all time low concert was amazing and i caught alex's waterbottle and basically shared a drink with alex gaskarth. i have been baptized and blessed
i fumble my hands,
i try not to pick at my nails.
i am still wearing your nail polish,
and i'm scared that if i scratch it off,
it'll really be the end.

you do not look at me,
no one looks at me.
in a sea of people i call my friends,
i am surrounded by cliffs which
rip holes in the sides of my ship.

in a sea of people i call my friends,
i am alone.
i scrape the red off my nails,
and clean the blood off my nailbeds,
my fingertips still shaking.

i am no longer wearing your nail polish,
you are no longer mine to laugh with.
my first boyfriend and i lasted for nine months. now, this doesn't mean i was good at relationships, but that's what everyone thought it meant. what it really meant was that neither he nor i knew how to properly stand up for ourselves, and that he took advantage of this — while i did not. nothing was every properly discussed, details were glossed over, i was too scared to say anything until the day things ended. we were good together, theoretically; liked the same things, could talk for hours, he wasn't a bad person. but, he never taught me how to be in a good relationship, that isn't what i learned. what i learned was to evaluate every relationship — even the "successful" ones.