FightingAgainstAnorexia

Status:
Joined: July 12, 2011
Last Seen: 1 decade
user id: 193995
Gender: F




Pocrescophobia: Fear of Gaining Weight

After four years of starving and over exercising, needles and feeding tubes, terror and anger, medical crises and personal failure, loss after loss. After
all this, I’m only 15 years old. I was staring down a path of a shortened life expectancy, but I was fine with that because I still had this: I was thin. I
was 5’6 and 73 pounds; 73 pounds too much. I wasn’t satisfied, I was never going to be satisfied. People would say “you’re too thin,” but that’s
what I liked; my bones, the empty stomach, the excessive exercising. I was sick, I was weak, and I was admitted to a hospital. After being hospitalized
for five months, I was sent to a treatment center where I’ve been for almost two years. On July 15th, 2009, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.



However, along with anorexia, came self harm. I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe because I couldn't cope with everything that was going on inside of
me. Maybe because I thought it was my only way out. Maybe because that was the only thing that kept me from killing myself. I don't know. I
don't expect you to understand, I don't even understand. Many people say that self harm doesn't hurt, but really it does. It's just not as bad as the
pain you're feeling on the inside. Many people also don't understand why someone would purposely hurt themselves. And well, it's hard to
explain. There are many types of self harm: cutting, burning, scratching, biting, and so much more. I've done them all. There was a time when I
wouldn't wear shorts, tank tops, t-shirts, or even a swim suit. I eventually did again and I would notice people looking at me. You know, staring at
my arms, my legs, and my stomach. I was addicted by that point, so I didn't mind. I used to be really self conscious about my scars though, but
luckily for me most have faded.

 

 

Atelophobia : Fear of Imperfection

Over the past few years, everything in my life has changed. I've lost myself and who I was. Most people close to me have left, including my best
friend. My family has been slowly falling apart. I haven't been able to go to school for two years. But through all this, I've actually re-found
myself. I finally realized that I didn't want to kill myself. I wanted a life. A healthy life. A life where I could be trusted. A life where I could be a
normal teenage girl. A life where I could eat things without feeling guilty. That is when I finally started to really fight and really try to become better.
Not for anyone else, but for myself. I'm starting to like living. I try to follow my meal plan, I don't self harm, and I try not to over exercise. I'm still
in treatment and although some days are by far harder than others, I've finally reached the point where I've realized that I can't live with anorexia
the rest of my life. Either I beat anorexia or anorexia beats me. For what it's worth I'm Callie, I'm 15 years old, and I am much happier than I have
been for the past four years.


"Stories are for joining the past to the future. Stories are for those late hours in the night
when you can't remember how you got from where you were to where you are. Stories are for
eternity, when memory is erased, when there is nothing to remember except the story."

 

Quite a few people have asked about my story.
Why I became anorexic, where it all started, and where I'm at now.
It's long, I'm shortening it, and I'm not forcing you to read it.


I don't remember a time when I wasn't insecure, self conscious, or having a high self esteem. It's just the way I've always been, probably the way I'll always be. Anyway, everything was normal. I was a normal girl, just like you. I had friends, I didn't care about much. Things suddenly changed. I didn't like eating in front of people. I stopped eating lunch at school. My friends would ask why I didn't eat. I would just tell them that I already ate (lies) or that I wasn't hungry (lies). I didn't see anything wrong with lying and I certainly didn't see anything wrong with not eating. I then got to the point where I wasn't hungry anymore and people stopped asking why I wasn't eating because it became "normal" for me. Soon after that, I stopped eating breakfast and dinner. I'd only eat dinner if we were having a family dinner, which was usually only on Sundays. Otherwise, I would tell my parents the same lies I told my friends. My life was a constant lie. I told lie after lie to both my parents and my friends, yet they all believed it. On a "good" day, I would eat less than 500 calories. On a "bad" day, I would eat no more than 700. I would exercise six hours a day, mainly at night or in the early morning so no one would be suspicious. If I ever ate more than 700 calories, I'd throw up even after exercising. I had no energy. When I wasn't exercising, I was sleeping. I had lost most of my friends, but it honestly didn't matter to me. Only one thing mattered to me and that was the number on the scale. I then became depressed and I started to self harm, everyday. One day, I told my best friend everything. She told my parents, but my parents shrugged it off because I told them that I was getting better and that it wasn't a big deal. I acted like I was getting better, it must have been believable. Nothing I did was good enough for myself. One night while exercising, I passed out. My parents found me and I was rushed to the hospital. I had a BMI of 11.8 (5'6, 73 pounds) and my organs were failing. I was told that if I had lost anymore weight, I would have been close to death (not that I cared, I already knew that.) I was then fed through a feeding tube for five months at the hospital. I was so sick. From there, I became an inpatient at my treatment center. Meaning, I lived there. My family could only visit me during visiting hours. I wasn't allowed to do anything because everything requires physical activity. They took away anything that could be used to self harm. I was supposed to eat 6 meals a day, but I refused each meal and continued to lose weight. So, I was put back on a feeding tube for a month. After that, I decided that I would do what they asked me to do just so I would be allowed to become a day patient and be at home so I could go back to my old ways (not eating, exercising, self harming, etc.) I had no intention of doing things right. I did that three times. Inpatient, day patient, and again back to inpatient. Three times. The third time I was allowed home, I attempted suicide by taking 20 pills. I collapsed to the ground and I was again rushed to the hospital. Then I became an inpatient again, fourth time. Currently, I'm a day patient.I relapsed. As of September 12th, I'm an inpatient again (fifth time.) I'm no longer a part of any treatment program at the moment. However, I was admitted to a psychiatric inpatient unit in Texas in the beginning of February. As of right now, things are going better than they ever have been for me. Anorexia is not who I am and I plan to continue moving forward instead of back for the first time in awhile. Although I don't like the way I look and I'm no where near close to loving my body, I have learned to accept it. I've realized that there are so many things that you take for granted until they're taken away from you. I don't expect any of you to think differently, I even took it for granted. Like lifting your head. Sounds odd, right? When I was at my sickest, I could barely lift my head in the morning. Or going to the bathroom without having someone stand outside to monitor you, being able to do physical activity, going to school (I wasn't able to go to school for more than two years, this year was my first year), being able to be with your family, being able to eat without worrying about calories, being able to be alone. I still want to be thin like I used to be, I still have eating disorder thoughts, and there's always that voice in my head that tells me to stop eating and to start over exercising again. Physically, I'm the healthiest I've been in awhile, although mentally it's still a constant struggle between what I want for myself and what I know I need for myself. I hope I can someday say "yes, I beat anorexia." We'll see. I hope that anyone who actually reads all this realizes that you can do anything no matter the circumstance. If you ever need to talk or have questions, feel free to ask... just please don't judge me.
 

Low weight: 73   Current weight: Not entirely sure, around 121?   Goal weight: 130 :)   Height: 5'8.5
 

"Asking for help isn't weak, it's wise." - Rev Run


 

Comments Made on FightingAgainstAnorexia's Quotes

RemainsOfTheB 1 decade ago on quote #6152997
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Fits my life story... Hope your doing okay though.
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JuliaC123 1 decade ago on quote #6152858
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this is beautiful.
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volleyballstar2017 1 decade ago on quote #6152858
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Hey?? Witty Best friends??
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VividDreamer 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I agree with this(:
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rebecca* 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I agree with you.
To be perfectly honest the people below me who are saying "some girls like the tips" are right, however that is not a reason to keep them.
You are completely right in saying that those girls can look it up themselves. If they really wanted to, they probably would anyway. I don't know the girl who is posting these quotes, and I don't hate her, I'm sure she is a lovely human being and a nice person, but if she sees this and continues posting them... I dunno there's something wrong there. It is more than likely that you aren't the only person that feels this way about the quotes, a lot of the comments below me are proof. Witty isn't necessarily about "posting quotes about ANYTHING" because some things may harm others on this website.
Ever noticed nobody posts an anti-gay quotes? That is because it could hurt or harm any gay/lesbian/bisexual users. This isn't exactly the same thing but the morals are all the same.
I'm behind you 100% and I'll be here for you if you ever need me.
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ForcingCourage* 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I'm a binger.
If I'm alone and there is food around me, It'll be gone by the next day. I may barely be overweight, but it kills me to know that I'll never look like the other girls because of this. Because it's my fault. Sure, I can go and search up weight loss tips to reach my 20 pounds lighter goal, but I like this much better. Whenever I search weight loss tips on the internet, it's always for older people, never teenagers. So knowing that so many other people are trying to do the same thing as I am makes me feel less alone. And some people are just trying to be healthier.
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xxIntoTheNeverxx 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I totally understand where you're coming from, and I too am recovering from anorexia. However, I'm not against the weight loss quotes. I know it's hard to ignore them and, to be honest, sometimes it tempts me to stray from eating what I'm told to, but many more girls want to lose weight than gain, and it's not fair for us to take that away from them. I know it's hard to control impulses, and anorexia is no exception, but considering weight loss tips are everywhere, I don't think a few measly quotes are going to hurt you.

But again, I completely understand.
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craziirose 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I get what you are saying, but like I am not super skinny or even like skinny so it doesn't really bother me, but I don't find the weight loss quotes right. I mean witty is supposed to be an escape in which looks, weight nothing matters, except for your personality.
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luvchuforever 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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i hate them and quotes about people obbsessing over food and needing it to survive when i cant even stand being near it when ive had my eating disorder for 3 years and working on recovery. i totally agree with you and thank you for saying that<3
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DreamingDirectioner 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I don't really like them either. If someone comes on here to get away from their life, I don't think they'd want to be reminded of it anyways. And I don't think it's fair that you come on here to get away from YOUR life but you see these quotes.
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littlelottie707 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I know exactly how you feel gorgeous♥ I just wanted to let you know that every time I see something you write it helps me alot... I have anorexia and bulimia... I know where you are at♥ you give me hope.
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onlytobepretty 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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hun I totally understand i feel the same way i am going into a treatment facility soon for my 3rd treatment cycle so yes i can relate yo you :)
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beebessey 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I agree with you... this website is supposed to be about feeling better about the way you are, not trying to change yourself to fit into others ideas of perfection. Yea I want to lose weight, but I do it in completely different ways, that stuff shouldn't be on here because of all the people with Anorexia... I'm sorry that you have to be suffering with this disease. Keep trying to get through it...
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kayyxbeeexconfessionsx3 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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amen. i feel the same way
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mrsjustinbieber 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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i understand but many people have many different problems and i dont think that who ever is writing them will stop just because of your individual issue, if you dont like them just dont read them.
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BreeeFayy* 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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some girls r actually pbese though and it is certainly not fair to say those quotes arent right. besides; this is a website were u post quotes about ANYTHING so... people like me will enjoy the weigt liss tips. ibundersta y it wud hurt anorexic girl but honestly (i kniw this is really mean) that has nothing to do with fat girls with us. we hirt ourselves too by getting fat. people die from that so...
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missmeltdown 1 decade ago on quote #3777635
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So why give yourself that burden? ♥
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lovelifelikethis123 1 decade ago on quote #5844078
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i love this! :) stay srtong <3
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FightingAgainstAnorexia 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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I understand that they are meant in a healthy way and meant to be taken in a healthy way, I was only stating that as much as they are helping people, they are also hurting people as well. I guess it's all in one's opinion. I wouldn't go to her page, haha. No worries.
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collapse* 1 decade ago on quote #5849360
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im sorry to hear that you have anorexia . but a majority of girls (including me) actually want ot lose some weight because they wanna look good in a bikini this summer or something. she didnt mean the quotes in a harmful way. and i know lots of people say/hear this but just skip over the quotes and u cant say that you cant because there are only like ten of them * but dont go to the girls page & count how many there are cuz i was just estimating from the last time i saw her page**
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