[This
is going to sound so moody, so b//tchy, so... me that when I reread this
in ten minutes I'm going to hate myself for even typing the
first letter out. And, my dear Wittians, if you have a problem
with long, dreary, annoying vent posts, just scroll down
and ignore it.]
I'll most likely sound like any other depressed teenage girl.
Not saying I shouldn't, really. But there's so much sh//t
that I have to put up with and no one seems to see, or care.
I'm not saying I'm the best friend, the popular one, the
girl everyone knows and likes, no.I'm the girl that everyone
knows, but stray away from, I'm the one with her hat pulled
over her eyes, trying not to let anyone see her. I've been
depressed since forever, I was never a happy kid. In middle
school, I had a small group of friends, but I was technically in
the ' popular' crowd. I hated my friends, and I still do.
That sounds so horrible and wrong now that it's in words, but
it's true, and frankly I'm too lazy to delete it. They
would never see that what they thought was just an inside joke, a
harmless tease, or a semi dirty look could mean so much
more to me. It meant they hated me, they secretly
talked about me, every worst possible word or threat aimed at me
when I wasn't looking. And when I found out I was leaving the
school, the school I'd been at for eight years, no one said
anything... nothing. Maybe a '' Bye, Grace,'' or
a '' See you,'' but no empathy at all. And that
seems like nothing to you, but my leaving had no warning
whatsoever. It was on the last day of school, two minutes before
bell.
One of my fears is that someone will outdo me in something
I've put my time into, my efforts, my dreams, everything.
I've always feared this, it was always lying in the back of
my mind, waiting to be pushed back forward again. And it's
happened, too, so why am I still so.. afraid? I've put my
efforts and hopes into writing, in fourth grade that was pushed
down because my best 'friend' Rebecca got a better grade
on a writing report and needed to shove it in my face. I tried
drawing, and I still do, as you can see in my DeviantArt, but
that was pushed down, too, when my best friend, Rosemary, drew
anime for the first time- from a book. And before you give me the
sh///t, she did it on purpose. She knew I was sensitive, that I
had put my time into my drawing, and all of a sudden she's
better then me- what?
And I thank you if you've read it this far, because you
bothered with me. No one else does, really. I have so many more
stories of my messed up friendships, from ticks to concerts in
the rain, but they don't matter anymore. My friends chose not
to trust me, to care for me, to get close to me. I'm sorry if
you think that I'm just some leech dying for attention, but I
needed this out. I don't want any rude comments, and I
certainly don't want this post to become popular, but I want
you to know.
-Grace
x