Hadley_heart

you have moments where you think you're over it and then you have moments where you cry on the bathroom floor at 2am wondering why you weren't good enough

"How do you know when its over?" " Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you."

"and when they ask you about me, and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories, i hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet, and you find yourself replying: "She loved me more than anyone else in this entire world, and i destroyed her."

"i love you," she paused. "but I need to go now. I need to leave. because we're going to ruin each other."

and i fu*king knew i meant nothing to you, but God, i would have tried to forever

i'm still holding on in case you wake up one day and find you still want me

someday, someone will tell you that she's seeing someone else and that she's happy and your hands will stop working. You'll have to work hard to hold onto whatever you're holding. I hope its not glass; I hope its not breakable. Suddenly, you'll remember everything you ever loved about her. Everything that moved you to tears, made your stomach tie itself in knots. that she was loyal, that she was open for you, that she smiled against your mouth when you kissed. that it felt easy, like God had put the two of you together deliberately, like it had been the plan all along. but for whatever reason, you let her go. and for a while, you thought it was the right thing to do and you felt as if you knew exactly what you were doing. You tried with other girls, but you just didn't get the same rush. Except now, every part of you that touched her aches because you know you'll never be able to touch her again. You're never going to get that again and thats why your regret looks like artwork that would have been a masterpiece, if you ever finished it. your regret looks like plucking a flower before it blooms. so maybe you'll call her and tell her you miss her and how sorry you are and she'll sound gentle on the phone, but not in love with you anymore. she'll say, "We happened and thats important, but you let me go. I'm sorry but you let me go" and that's how you'll know you've lost her.

i didn't even know i was drowning
until i looked up and
saw your hand, breaking
the ocean's surface

the strangest part about a hurt this big, is that no one can really feel it but you. no one else is going to remember it in 5 years, 5 months, 5 years from now. you have his phone number memorized and youve thought about calling it a hundred times tonight, and somehow, there are billions of people who don't even know the color of his eyes. the picture of you two from last summer, both sun soaked and laughing, only holds two strangers that most people will never even see. he was your whole universe but when its in perspective, you were only a speck of dust and he, a pinprick of light that you were unlucky enough to cross paths with. there are people who saw you out of the corners of their eyes when you were on your first date, when he kissed you for the first time. they dont think about you. they never did. Theres a girl who bumped into him on the street the night he left you, and she mumbled a 'sorry' and moved on and forgot him, the way you never will. and when youre sobbing into your pillow and your whole body is heaving with how much you loved him and how much it hurts, someone across the world says his name and doesnt feel a d*mn thing

They're not going to teach you about heartbreak. youre going to have to figure it out for yourself. Heartbreak is going to feel a lot like food poisioning when he leaves even though you havent eaten in days. you dont talk. you dont open your mouth, you just lay on the bathroom floor so everytime you feel words coming up to be pushed out, you can reach for the toilet and flush away all the screams. Heartbreak is going to feel alot like a disease when your mother asks why youre shivering under four blankets and you try to explain to her that youre not cold on the outside. rather on the inside, like all the sunshine has left your bloodstream. like youre standing in the pouring rain without an umbrella. Heartbreak feels alot like the cold of winter that follows you around all winter. it will creep up on you like fog in the spring and youll never see it coming. so when you wake up suddenly at 3am because hes calling you 6 months later and you feel that chill in your bones and that pounding in your heart and your teeth are chattering, dont pick up. dont pick up no matter how many times he calls, because even though youve pictures yourself rejecting his apology a million times,you know that as soon as you hear his voice, youll break faster than you can take a breath. block his number. you wanted him back once, but not anymore. its okay to push him out of your mind and its okay to cry about it. but please do not fall victim to him again. you are stronger than that