****VENTING!!! I DONT CARE IF YOU
READ THIS OR NOT. ****
I can still feel his hand shaking. I cant still hear his erratic
breathing and heart beat. I cant seem to get it out of my head. Not
cause i love him, cause thats not the case. But because i had
everything to do with it. The nervousness and the anxiousness and
the fear, was cause of me. It may not mean much to anyone but me,
but it made me feel like i was wanted, need, was being longed for,
like someone had an addiction and i was the drug. It might be
stupidbut its true. The feeling i got as i was sitting on the floor
with him, holding his shaky hand, listening to his erratic heart
beat, and his breaking in between breaths. I can still feel his
lips on my neck and his hard between my fingers. Its all i think
about anymore. Its all i want to talk about, but i cant, i wont. I
wont turn into Kailey, Im not some clingy, over dramatic, freaky, i
must know everything type of girl. I want to. so bad. I wish i
could but i cant. There is nothing i could have loved more than
that night, than him. I dont love him, i love the things he did.
The things he does. I wish i could set my mind of rewind, so i
could relive that night over and over again, with different words i
could have said or different actions i could have made. But i cant.
So ill live it as it is...was, echted in my memory. And when
Briannas room is finished, i will get to live them all over again.
just thinking about it makes the butterflies in my stomach take,
and i get pictures of what it looked like if someone where looking
at us. Like me out of my own body. Its strange to be able to to see
this, but its not like its clear. Its just little bits and peices
of pictures of him and me. If you have ever openedyour eyes while
you kissed someone, at first you go cross eyed but then you go back
to normal and all you see is one side of there face. Thats all i
see from lookng outside. I also remember his smell. i keep thinking
i smell him, the strong and sweet sent of wet grass and vinilla.
its only for a moment i smell these things and it makes me question
myself. "Have i gone mad?" then i think, well of course
you are. Your smelling things that arent there, your feeling things
that dont exsist and your remembering things that didnt happen. So
my answer is yes, i have gone mad. But its fun to be crazy. i cant
imagine me actually going crazy, outside my own head. its werid to
think hat he is the main cause of my insanity. i mena of course he
couldnt help the feelings i accepted into my mind, or the was my
mind can remember the smallest things. Like his finger tip. Not
hisactual finger, they where rough where as his finger tips where
soft and smooth and gental. or the way his lips part when we talk,
or the way his eyes dont look at you, but take you in, with almost
everything they got. if you where to stare at him for another
minute his eyes would suck you up and your would be trapped
forever. They wherent blue, nor where they grey. But somewhere in
the middle, if you stood just right, you could see purple. My mind
is on a complet downward spiral and there i nothing i can do about
it. My heart i concently racing when my focus is on him. One thing
i noticed about that night wa that, my heart wasnt racing until i
felt his. My hand on his chest, where he put it. He let me into his
heart that easily, made my heart race. Not the fact that he was
nervous to kiss me. Not the fact that he wanted to kiss me at all,
made my heart race.He was going to kiss me and there was nothing i
could do about it. He let me touch him, which wasnt even my first
choice. i didnt really want to. in fact he was the one who sat
super close to me, not the other way around. I wish i was with him
right now, to tell him that he needs to get off my mind. To
tell him that if he dosnt stop being so cute and adorable then i
will go crazy. at the same time i want to tell him to forget
everything and to slam his lips into mine, and put his hands around
the back of my neck and hold me until forever ends. I want to tell
him to lay here on the couch with me and hold my waist while
humming drunk by ed sheeran in my ear. I want to tell him that he
needs to forget everything that people say, because it dosnt
matter. I want to tell him i need him.