HidingInMySmile

Status:
Joined: May 25, 2012
Last Seen: 8 years
user id: 302618


Howdy,
so this is my other account... A lot of you guys know me but when I need to vent about cutting I can't do it on my other account cuz one of my BEST friends knows it... but I just don't want to tell her abt the cuts... I started cutting in March... during spring break... I don't do it hard... and there is hardly any blood yet it does sting which helps me think abt the stinging instead of some other things that haunt me... I cut with a paper cutter that you find on one of those sliding kind... I never said that I wanted too... Just one day I took off the sliding thing and I was looking at it and then the idea just popped into my head... I was REALLY mad at my family that day... I feel like a failure to my family... and I believe that I am an asham to the world... My mom once said to me "How am I suppose to trust you now... I use to boast abt you... I use to say how I can trust you and you won't lie to me... You were my best friend!"... She told me that in 2nd grade... And it still fukin haunts me!!! I cry every night thinking that I ashamed my family... She said that after I lied to them about just one simple lie abt if I used the phone to call someone... I can't stand to be yelled at... If I am I BURST into tears like a waterfall!... And I can't stand to use the phone anymore... If Im on it I try to get off ... But it REALLY STUPID anyways... Don't get me wrong I got the kind of parents that are WAY too protective... But still they are parents that are a pain in the you know where... I use to be bullied by a friend for abt 6 months but that stopped... Now she is nice to me and we get along kinda weird IKR!... People make me feel different and EVERYONE points out my flaws which I already know!... Even some of my closer friends... Im just getting mad just say that.... I AM ALWAYS TENSE/ MAD AT THE WORLD!!!... I GAVE UP a long time ago!!!... I like to wear black shirts just to make a point to the world that Im not who you think I am... but no one picks up... I do a good job hiding it if I say so myself... I use to be REALLY strong in my faith but lately I been losing my faith in everything! I have thought of suicide and I know how I would do it too... I have two friends who I told that I am cutting but they don't seem to care and don't bother asking if I'm done or not... You see, since July I been done but I have slipped up in purpose.... Idon't want to stop... I'm just stopping for my friends and sister... I don't do it hard at all... I don't see why it isn't good besides the fact that one day all I wanted was MORE!!!... I think I might be bipolar which means that I am happy one sec but crying and cutting the next...

I am really nice and friendly and like to help people - just ask anyone... so if you need
to Vent TALK TO ME!!! Yes, I got probs too but that might just help me understand you better!!! Just fyi - I am VERY random and I talk fast... ummm got questions just ask and I can't spell great so sorry if any of the words are spelled wrong... Thanks

This is a drawing that I did... Every word/ pic means something... the words are the words that go thru my head every fukin' day!... This "drawing" is my thoughts, my soul, my life... Everything on there has a story... Everything on there connects to another picture... It is EVERYTHING to me!

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Quotes by HidingInMySmile

SUICIDE:
Should not exist. but what is a quote going to do?
its going to do a lot. I want a petition to go around
of witty and i want you to repost this quote with your
name signed. after i get all of these names i am going to
make a youtube video of all the witty profile names
that took out a few minutes to read and repost this quote.
lets show these people how much we care and someday we can put a end to this!
staystrong

signatures:
daddygirl99.
notyouraverageb*tch
Smileyz316
xpeacexbluex
SexiPurpleZebra
conklineli5280
kaerottina
Eatmypants
quotinglikeaboss
xoStayBeautifulxo
Meganbbz
AnaisHeartsYou
Marie1388
ImNotAlone
SecretGurl123
bananaman
ProudToBeGeeky
KateehKracklady of the night
eternalsunshinex
BooILoveSkittles
JustinBieber4ever
screwsociety
Green1098
brancsy
Jahyvie
EjSweet2♥
imkrazydealwithit
lady_red
beautifullybrokeninside
lynskywalker ♥
BestfriendsForever3
mor5GANlovesmuffins
missmeltdown♥
breedancerchick101
Forgetmenot924
Reeses_21
mysexynameislogan
oreogurllawlz
hopeless_romantic444
MaddyWaddy ♥Stay strong
behindthissmilexx
Peekabooismynamex
SnowPrincess
xXsilentXx
ridingonagreenrocketship
xxUntoldXXSecretsxx
sushirox1158
willowxoxo
Bubbleboo
Katergatertatertot
HidingInMySmile (I wasn't ready to sign it but now I AM)

I can't go a day without wanting
to go into the cabinet and overdose!!!!!

 
HONESTY HOUR!

Have you ever
1) Self harmed? Yeah

2) Got into a real fight? Kinda maybe not sure

3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed? no....

4) Tried to commit suicide? Close

5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Umm I think a few times

6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting? Lol......no :P

7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble? Yes?

8) Accused someone of using you? In my head...

10) Gotten drunk/high?  NO  O_O

11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing? Nope... Don't really have any in mind

12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game?  Not video games but have skipped hehe

(Right now) Are you
13) Suicidal?  no

14) Bored?  HELL YEAH!!

15) Avoiding someone? Kinda

16) Avoiding some task?  OMG DA!!!

17) Depressed?  Yeah :/

18) Crying? no

19) Annoyed with a friend? Kinda

20) Worried and confused about something important to you?  YES!!!

Do you
21) Get depressed easily?  Yes

22) Get jealous/envious easily?  Yes

23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things?  For most part

24) Worry about messing up your relationship a lot?Don't have a date :P

25) Try hard in all your classes at school?
yes most hehe

26) Go out drinking? never!

27) Smoke cigarettes? No kinda want to when older

28) Smoke weed? NO

29) Do any hard drugs? No...

30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why? I didn't

31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will? God!

32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them? YES YES YES YES YES!!!!

33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain? YES

34) Believe people deserve second chances?  
Yep! Second ones!

35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? No

36) Think things will get better?  Idk...

37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished?  Kinda

 

 

My story from last year
Part 3/3


Last day of school, I was in the hallway with Hannah. I told and showed her my cuts. I will never forget her face or the way she said, “Show me your hands.” The way her eyes widen - the way her voice stricken. I swear everything froze and the background blurred just for a second. That day is so clear to me. After I told her. She stood there in shock and didn’t know what to say, I guess. She just left me standing there. I started roaming through the halls. People were passing me, yet, I didn’t notice. I was almost like in a daze of fear and regret. Later, I told Hannah that I’m stopping. But honestly, I only told her that because I didn’t want her to tell anyone. I didn’t want her to worry. I actually wasn’t sure if I was stopping yet or not. I never really felt guilty about the cuts but I felt more like the cuts weren’t worthy of me or my pain. Like, I need to just pick herself up and stop complaining! I never considered myself as a cutter and honestly I hate saying the word. On Father’s Day, my sister found out by mistake. This past year, I have never been so far apart from my sister. I think I didn’t tell her about the cuts originally, because I didn’t want her to worry about her older sister. I should worry and watch out for her - not the other way around! None of my family members except my sister knows about my freshman year.

 

Once in June, I was having a breakdown again. This one was different. I needed to cut! But, I finally got sick of the blade I been using. I needed something sharper. Something that can make me bleed and feel the pain! I was looking around my bedroom for anything that was sharper. I was desperate. I was trying anything but nothing gave me the satisfaction that I wanted. I was scaring myself. I didn’t recognize myself. The only blade I have doesn’t work enough. If I had one that did, how would I be able to hide those kind of scars without long sleeves? So, I figured to just stop. Later in July, I did find a blade that makes me bleed, but I don't use it much. I don't cut really, but some days you just need too!

 

I was cutting because mostly the thought of losing my friends and being alone. It's hard seeing pictures of them smiling together at events that they invited each other to. They don't even think about inviting me.  I use to wonder why cutting (not deep) was bad. I guess because eventually you will just want more. I refused to believe it would happen to me, though. Once you get something you will always want more. It’s just part of human nature. I was starting to see that. I don’t think of it as cutting but more as stress relieving. I’m still trying to wrap my head around freshman year. I want to say that it’s all better. But once something is history you can’t go back and erase it. So that means the voices won’t ever shut up. They are still as loud as they were before. I just need to learn to cope with it. I am still afraid of losing the only friends I have like how I lost my old ones but there is a reason for everything... Right?

My Story from Last Year
Part 2/4

One day, I was sitting on the bench and she was on the other side by me. She would not stop poking me. And these pokes were more like stabs with her finger. I first asked her to stop, but she didn't. I told her that she was lucky that I strongly believe that physical fighting is never the answer. She just looked at me with an attitude and said, “Am I? Am I really?” It wasn’t the words that finally got me; it was the attitude. I yelled at her saying, "Yes, you are! You know what, I had it!"  People started looking at me. I didn’t care. I walked over and sat on the other side of the bench. Hannah just arrived to school. Everything just burst out. With my approval, Hannah told the counselor that she needed to see me. I saw her only three times.

 

New week, the same thing happened but the difference this time was that Hannah and a friend were there. They would try to stop it by putting themselves between me and her. I didn’t want them to protect me because I’m too weak, too wimpy, too nice to protect myself so I walked away. Later that day, two of my friends were talking about it and a teacher overheard. That was when she was reported. She and I are friends like how we were in the beginning of the school year. It's like nothing happened. But to me, I lost self confidence and self respect. A ton of breakdowns followed after that.

 

It was March in the week of spring break. I was putting my sliding paper cutter away. I was curious how sharp the cutter’s blade was. I tested it on my wrist where my watch laid so the one single cut would be hidden. Totally innocent - just experimenting. Later in the week, I guess I was just tense about everything and the voices wouldn’t shut up. I was curious - wondering why people do it, wondering if it actually helped, wondering what it would feel like. I went in my closet and pulled it out. I only did it two or three times. I didn’t bleed cause the blade is way too small. I felt nothing. I put it back.

 

School started up again. My friends were all starting to get tense because the school year was ending and a lot of drama was starting between each other. I kinda feel like I started the whole mess. That it was my fault. Everyone was hoping for the year to end soon. But I was dreading it! I knew once summer hit people will forget about me. They will live a summer without me but with everyone else. I already saw it happening. I started cutting again.

 

Eventually, I started hanging less and less with people. I made a hide away. It was somewhere where I could have breakdowns. I started ignoring people because I didn’t want to face the agony of missing them in the summer and knowing that they won’t invite me anywhere. I started wondering why I was cutting because I get no result from the cuts - no blood no pain. Then I found a reason why. The next day the cuts would sting a little and itch like a paper cut. That help me keep my mind from wandering to thoughts I didn’t want to think about.  It proved to me that I’m not so innocent! Cutting was proving that I can be mean and that I can be tough.

 

My story of last year!
Part 1/4


Hey! I'm Claire. I'm 15 and will be a sophomore in high school. I live in the bottom of Ohio but go to a high school in Kentucky. I use to be homeschooled meaning that my only classmate was my sister who is a grade younger than me. I wanted to go to a ‘normal’ school because I wanted to know the feeling of a class room and having friends. I have triplet brothers who are 5 years older than me. My one brother has CP (cerebral palsy) and can't speak. I lived in an environment where there was no swearing, no media because it wasn’t always the safest for kids, help taking care of my older brother, loving family, and growing strong in my faith.

 

My younger years were spent moving from friends to friends. I learned that there is no such thing as real friends. Friends who will stick with you and someone you actually like. All you need is yourself in life. One day, you will die on your own so why need friends? I have become shy around people and just started ignoring that there was a world outside of my home. If I ever did meet someone, I would just keep in mind that it won’t last and it meant nothing. I would leave people before I was left. I had a hard time taking people seriously. I started the school year with a promise that I will actually try harder and make friends and apart of a group.

 

By November, I made plenty of friends. We would all gather in the front entrance by the benches and it was like our spot to meet each other. However, a girl who I met before anyone else started pinching me in the waist. We were all doing it to each other for fun. Except, the difference was I don’t think she was doing it in a friendly matter - maybe I was paranoid I don’t know. I could never get her back while she got me all the time. Every once in awhile, when I did, other people noticed. Once, they were defending her while she was the one who started it all. Sitting behind me, she would also kick me in the back. Luckily, Catholicism was my only class with her.

 

By December, though, she started fighting with me on random things. I am known for being innocent, someone who couldn't hurt anyone, and a girl who knows nothing because she “lived in a ‘box’” meaning my whole life I lived outside of the world of reality. I would ask stupid questions or not understand something, because I lived in a ‘clean’ home. People would tell me how it was strange that I didn’t know about this and that. I once saw someone gossipping about it and they knew I was there too. My friends would say things that made it sound like a huge deal and then go on telling other friends about it with gasps every so often making me sound like a kid. They think I’m so innocent! I always wanted to prove them all wrong! There, at high school, I was updated fast - learned most of the swear words, the kind of music these days, and etc.

 

January after Christmas break everything changed. The girl started physically fighting me. She would slap me, try to push me off my seat, and flick my hair. Everyone were friends with her. She looked so harmless. I wasn’t her first ‘victim’. She has hit plenty other of her friends. She was known for hitting when she was stressed or tense. People would just brush it off saying that its nothing and that she does it to everyone. But, I think she did it mostly to me. I eventually convinced myself that I should just stop complaining. It’s not just me. Others are dealing with it - why can’t I?

 

Can you please read these poems on wattpad and let me know what youthink... either thru witty or thru your wattpad account!!

THANKS MEANS A LOT!!!


I will follow those who say they will in comments and do comment on most of those poems!!!


http://www.wattpad.com/6180811-the-unnoticed-goth


The Unnoticed Goth

Death ~ Happens to All of Us

Final Moment

Where?

Ugly Duckling

I'm D@mn Sorry!!!
Can you please read these poems on wattpad and let me know what you think... either thru witty or thru your wattpad account!!
THANKS MEANS A LOT!!!

I will follow those who say they will in comments and do comment on most of those poems!!!


http://www.wattpad.com/5443658-the-secrets-behind-the-silence

The Secrets Behind the Silence

The Unseen Pain

The Girl on the Othe Side of the Mirror

Under That Mask


Patience in All

The Hauntings!

What's the point


The Most Frightening Place


A TRUE Friend

Am I all  three?

GUILT
...The Misunderstood Coin...
Chap 11
Part 1
“Alright, so tomorrow morning Bridget and I will tell Morgan that we told Mrs. Stonsin,” Cecilia said after they finally figured out a plan.

“NO! Ce, don’t! What if Morgan stops being friends with you?” I grieved for her to stop.

“Then its her lost. Morgan has a lot of problems but she can’t take it out on my friends! I can’t let you be responsible for my actions,” Cecilia couldn’t have said it any better.

“I don’t want you too!”

“Ok, Claire GO TO BAND!” Hannah stood up and pointing her figure to the door getting tired of my complaining and stopping Cecilia. It was 3:15.

“No, I have 10 minutes!” I fought back.

“GO!” She commanded. I just stared at her. We were both standing now, “Ok, I will be back. I’m going to walk Claire to band.”

 
Part 2

(narrating)- It was the next day, Tues. Claire had band every Mon. and Tues. morning. The morning band practices were high school and the afternoon practices on Mondays were for 6th - 8th graders, but some of the high schoolers helped.

“Claire, you coming?” Hannah asked me. It was 7:10 AM. Band started at 7:20 AM. I usually would follow Hannah to her locker and then go down to band. Cecilia, Maggie, Michelle, and Morgan were at school by now.

I looked over at Cecilia. “Are you waiting for Bridget?” I whispered. She slightly nodded. Cecilia was nervous. Michelle was standing by her to soothe her.

“I was hoping to be here. You go ahead. I’ll go down later,” I mumbled to Hannah.

It was 7:18 AM. Bridget wasn’t here yet. “Good luck! Let me know how it goes” I hugged Cecilia.

“Well, right now they are talking... God, please calm Morgan and let her understand.... keep everyone close friends and a family as we were in the beginning,” I prayed during band practice.

 
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Yeah I know I switched the title I like this one better... And I don't know why the spacing was so big so sorry... ALSO to understand why I used the penny check out my OTHER account! CandyCool ... that is my main account and in the profile it explains about why the penny is special CHECK IT OUT! :)
...The Misunderstood Coin...
Chap 11
Part 1

 
(author note)- Whenever I am thinking I will put the words in italics.
(recap)- “REVENGE!” I said gasping and then starting to break down.

“Like beating me up!” I gulped.

“I will have to tell her that I did it,” Cecilia sighed. That would put Morgan and Cecilia’s friendship at risk.

“Oh... Ce... No... Don’t do that... I don’t want you to lose a friend,” I calmly insisted.

“What she is doing to you is wrong! You didn’t tell. I did. I need to tell her.”

“Well Bridget told too. Ce, don’t!” I begged her.

“Claire, let her do what she wants!” Hannah finally spoken.

I looked at her kinda aggravated, “And why are you in the freshman drama - being a sophomore!”

“You got her stuck in it! She is just here to keep you calm.” Cecilia stood up for Hannah.

“Oh yeah...” I chuckled thinking how she is here for my need.

“So she thinks Claire told?” Michelle asked.

“Yeah. So how will I tell her,” Cecilia said. I started taking stress really bad then. I was groaning every time they said something that meant Cecilia and Morgan won’t be friends or meant that Morgan was going to get me. They were brainstorming for a while. I didn’t understand anything they were saying.

“Why does Ce have to tell Morgan... It’s my fault... If I just ignored her then this won’t have happened... Just blame it on me... I can take it... I know I would be able to!” However, I also knew something else, “Stop saying that! You know you won’t be able to handle it. Just look at yourself right now. You look pathetic!”



 
Part 1
To Be Continued!!!
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sorry couldn't fit it all :P