Howdy,
so this is my other account... A lot of you guys know me but when I need to vent about cutting I can't do it on my other account cuz one of my BEST friends knows it... but I just don't want to tell her abt the cuts... I started cutting in March... during spring break... I don't do it hard... and there is hardly any blood yet it does sting which helps me think abt the stinging instead of some other things that haunt me... I cut with a paper cutter that you find on one of those sliding kind... I never said that I wanted too... Just one day I took off the sliding thing and I was looking at it and then the idea just popped into my head... I was REALLY mad at my family that day... I feel like a failure to my family... and I believe that I am an asham to the world... My mom once said to me "How am I suppose to trust you now... I use to boast abt you... I use to say how I can trust you and you won't lie to me... You were my best friend!"... She told me that in 2nd grade... And it still fukin haunts me!!! I cry every night thinking that I ashamed my family... She said that after I lied to them about just one simple lie abt if I used the phone to call someone... I can't stand to be yelled at... If I am I BURST into tears like a waterfall!... And I can't stand to use the phone anymore... If Im on it I try to get off ... But it REALLY STUPID anyways... Don't get me wrong I got the kind of parents that are WAY too protective... But still they are parents that are a pain in the you know where... I use to be bullied by a friend for abt 6 months but that stopped... Now she is nice to me and we get along kinda weird IKR!... People make me feel different and EVERYONE points out my flaws which I already know!... Even some of my closer friends... Im just getting mad just say that.... I AM ALWAYS TENSE/ MAD AT THE WORLD!!!... I GAVE UP a long time ago!!!... I like to wear black shirts just to make a point to the world that Im not who you think I am... but no one picks up... I do a good job hiding it if I say so myself... I use to be REALLY strong in my faith but lately I been losing my faith in everything! I have thought of suicide and I know how I would do it too... I have two friends who I told that I am cutting but they don't seem to care and don't bother asking if I'm done or not... You see, since July I been done but I have slipped up in purpose.... Idon't want to stop... I'm just stopping for my friends and sister... I don't do it hard at all... I don't see why it isn't good besides the fact that one day all I wanted was MORE!!!... I think I might be bipolar which means that I am happy one sec but crying and cutting the next...
I am really nice and friendly and like to help people - just ask anyone... so if you need to Vent TALK TO ME!!! Yes, I got probs too but that might just help me understand you better!!! Just fyi - I am VERY random and I talk fast... ummm got questions just ask and I can't spell great so sorry if any of the words are spelled wrong... Thanks
This is a drawing that I did... Every word/ pic means something... the words are the words that go thru my head every fukin' day!... This "drawing" is my thoughts, my soul, my life... Everything on there has a story... Everything on there connects to another picture... It is EVERYTHING to me!
My story from last year
Part 3/3
Last day of school, I was in the
hallway with Hannah. I told and showed her my cuts. I will never
forget her face or the way she said, “Show me your
hands.” The way her eyes widen - the way her voice
stricken. I swear everything froze and the background blurred
just for a second. That day is so clear to me. After I told her.
She stood there in shock and didn’t know what to say, I
guess. She just left me standing there. I started roaming through
the halls. People were passing me, yet, I didn’t notice. I
was almost like in a daze of fear and regret. Later, I told
Hannah that I’m stopping. But honestly, I only told her
that because I didn’t want her to tell anyone. I
didn’t want her to worry. I actually wasn’t sure if I
was stopping yet or not. I never really felt guilty about the
cuts but I felt more like the cuts weren’t worthy of me or
my pain. Like, I need to just pick herself up and stop
complaining! I never considered myself as a cutter and honestly I
hate saying the word. On Father’s Day, my sister found out
by mistake. This past year, I have never been so far apart from
my sister. I think I didn’t tell her about the cuts
originally, because I didn’t want her to worry about her
older sister. I should worry and watch out for her - not the
other way around! None
of my family members except my sister knows about my freshman
year.
Once in June, I was having a breakdown again. This one was different. I needed to cut! But, I finally got sick of the blade I been using. I needed something sharper. Something that can make me bleed and feel the pain! I was looking around my bedroom for anything that was sharper. I was desperate. I was trying anything but nothing gave me the satisfaction that I wanted. I was scaring myself. I didn’t recognize myself. The only blade I have doesn’t work enough. If I had one that did, how would I be able to hide those kind of scars without long sleeves? So, I figured to just stop. Later in July, I did find a blade that makes me bleed, but I don't use it much. I don't cut really, but some days you just need too!
I was cutting because mostly the thought of losing my friends and being alone. It's hard seeing pictures of them smiling together at events that they invited each other to. They don't even think about inviting me. I use to wonder why cutting (not deep) was bad. I guess because eventually you will just want more. I refused to believe it would happen to me, though. Once you get something you will always want more. It’s just part of human nature. I was starting to see that. I don’t think of it as cutting but more as stress relieving. I’m still trying to wrap my head around freshman year. I want to say that it’s all better. But once something is history you can’t go back and erase it. So that means the voices won’t ever shut up. They are still as loud as they were before. I just need to learn to cope with it. I am still afraid of losing the only friends I have like how I lost my old ones but there is a reason for everything... Right?
One day, I was sitting on the bench and she was on the other side by me. She would not stop poking me. And these pokes were more like stabs with her finger. I first asked her to stop, but she didn't. I told her that she was lucky that I strongly believe that physical fighting is never the answer. She just looked at me with an attitude and said, “Am I? Am I really?” It wasn’t the words that finally got me; it was the attitude. I yelled at her saying, "Yes, you are! You know what, I had it!" People started looking at me. I didn’t care. I walked over and sat on the other side of the bench. Hannah just arrived to school. Everything just burst out. With my approval, Hannah told the counselor that she needed to see me. I saw her only three times.
New week, the same thing happened but the difference this time was that Hannah and a friend were there. They would try to stop it by putting themselves between me and her. I didn’t want them to protect me because I’m too weak, too wimpy, too nice to protect myself so I walked away. Later that day, two of my friends were talking about it and a teacher overheard. That was when she was reported. She and I are friends like how we were in the beginning of the school year. It's like nothing happened. But to me, I lost self confidence and self respect. A ton of breakdowns followed after that.
It was March in the week of spring break. I was putting my sliding paper cutter away. I was curious how sharp the cutter’s blade was. I tested it on my wrist where my watch laid so the one single cut would be hidden. Totally innocent - just experimenting. Later in the week, I guess I was just tense about everything and the voices wouldn’t shut up. I was curious - wondering why people do it, wondering if it actually helped, wondering what it would feel like. I went in my closet and pulled it out. I only did it two or three times. I didn’t bleed cause the blade is way too small. I felt nothing. I put it back.
School started up again. My friends were all starting to get tense because the school year was ending and a lot of drama was starting between each other. I kinda feel like I started the whole mess. That it was my fault. Everyone was hoping for the year to end soon. But I was dreading it! I knew once summer hit people will forget about me. They will live a summer without me but with everyone else. I already saw it happening. I started cutting again.
Eventually, I started hanging less and less with people. I made a hide away. It was somewhere where I could have breakdowns. I started ignoring people because I didn’t want to face the agony of missing them in the summer and knowing that they won’t invite me anywhere. I started wondering why I was cutting because I get no result from the cuts - no blood no pain. Then I found a reason why. The next day the cuts would sting a little and itch like a paper cut. That help me keep my mind from wandering to thoughts I didn’t want to think about. It proved to me that I’m not so innocent! Cutting was proving that I can be mean and that I can be tough.
My story of last year!
Part 1/4
Hey! I'm Claire. I'm 15 and will be a sophomore in high
school. I live in the bottom of Ohio but go to a high school in
Kentucky. I use to be homeschooled meaning that my only classmate
was my sister who is a grade younger than me. I wanted to go to a
‘normal’ school because I wanted to know the feeling
of a class room and having friends. I have triplet brothers who
are 5 years older than me. My one brother has CP (cerebral palsy)
and can't speak. I lived in an environment where there was no
swearing, no media because it wasn’t always the safest for
kids, help taking care of my older brother, loving family, and
growing strong in my faith.
My younger years were spent moving from friends to friends. I learned that there is no such thing as real friends. Friends who will stick with you and someone you actually like. All you need is yourself in life. One day, you will die on your own so why need friends? I have become shy around people and just started ignoring that there was a world outside of my home. If I ever did meet someone, I would just keep in mind that it won’t last and it meant nothing. I would leave people before I was left. I had a hard time taking people seriously. I started the school year with a promise that I will actually try harder and make friends and apart of a group.
By November, I made plenty of friends. We would all gather in the front entrance by the benches and it was like our spot to meet each other. However, a girl who I met before anyone else started pinching me in the waist. We were all doing it to each other for fun. Except, the difference was I don’t think she was doing it in a friendly matter - maybe I was paranoid I don’t know. I could never get her back while she got me all the time. Every once in awhile, when I did, other people noticed. Once, they were defending her while she was the one who started it all. Sitting behind me, she would also kick me in the back. Luckily, Catholicism was my only class with her.
By December, though, she started fighting with me on random things. I am known for being innocent, someone who couldn't hurt anyone, and a girl who knows nothing because she “lived in a ‘box’” meaning my whole life I lived outside of the world of reality. I would ask stupid questions or not understand something, because I lived in a ‘clean’ home. People would tell me how it was strange that I didn’t know about this and that. I once saw someone gossipping about it and they knew I was there too. My friends would say things that made it sound like a huge deal and then go on telling other friends about it with gasps every so often making me sound like a kid. They think I’m so innocent! I always wanted to prove them all wrong! There, at high school, I was updated fast - learned most of the swear words, the kind of music these days, and etc.
January after Christmas break everything changed. The girl started physically fighting me. She would slap me, try to push me off my seat, and flick my hair. Everyone were friends with her. She looked so harmless. I wasn’t her first ‘victim’. She has hit plenty other of her friends. She was known for hitting when she was stressed or tense. People would just brush it off saying that its nothing and that she does it to everyone. But, I think she did it mostly to me. I eventually convinced myself that I should just stop complaining. It’s not just me. Others are dealing with it - why can’t I?