HidingInMySmile

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Joined: May 25, 2012
Last Seen: 1 decade
user id: 302618


Howdy,
so this is my other account... A lot of you guys know me but when I need to vent about cutting I can't do it on my other account cuz one of my BEST friends knows it... but I just don't want to tell her abt the cuts... I started cutting in March... during spring break... I don't do it hard... and there is hardly any blood yet it does sting which helps me think abt the stinging instead of some other things that haunt me... I cut with a paper cutter that you find on one of those sliding kind... I never said that I wanted too... Just one day I took off the sliding thing and I was looking at it and then the idea just popped into my head... I was REALLY mad at my family that day... I feel like a failure to my family... and I believe that I am an asham to the world... My mom once said to me "How am I suppose to trust you now... I use to boast abt you... I use to say how I can trust you and you won't lie to me... You were my best friend!"... She told me that in 2nd grade... And it still fukin haunts me!!! I cry every night thinking that I ashamed my family... She said that after I lied to them about just one simple lie abt if I used the phone to call someone... I can't stand to be yelled at... If I am I BURST into tears like a waterfall!... And I can't stand to use the phone anymore... If Im on it I try to get off ... But it REALLY STUPID anyways... Don't get me wrong I got the kind of parents that are WAY too protective... But still they are parents that are a pain in the you know where... I use to be bullied by a friend for abt 6 months but that stopped... Now she is nice to me and we get along kinda weird IKR!... People make me feel different and EVERYONE points out my flaws which I already know!... Even some of my closer friends... Im just getting mad just say that.... I AM ALWAYS TENSE/ MAD AT THE WORLD!!!... I GAVE UP a long time ago!!!... I like to wear black shirts just to make a point to the world that Im not who you think I am... but no one picks up... I do a good job hiding it if I say so myself... I use to be REALLY strong in my faith but lately I been losing my faith in everything! I have thought of suicide and I know how I would do it too... I have two friends who I told that I am cutting but they don't seem to care and don't bother asking if I'm done or not... You see, since July I been done but I have slipped up in purpose.... Idon't want to stop... I'm just stopping for my friends and sister... I don't do it hard at all... I don't see why it isn't good besides the fact that one day all I wanted was MORE!!!... I think I might be bipolar which means that I am happy one sec but crying and cutting the next...

I am really nice and friendly and like to help people - just ask anyone... so if you need
to Vent TALK TO ME!!! Yes, I got probs too but that might just help me understand you better!!! Just fyi - I am VERY random and I talk fast... ummm got questions just ask and I can't spell great so sorry if any of the words are spelled wrong... Thanks

This is a drawing that I did... Every word/ pic means something... the words are the words that go thru my head every fukin' day!... This "drawing" is my thoughts, my soul, my life... Everything on there has a story... Everything on there connects to another picture... It is EVERYTHING to me!

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Quotes by HidingInMySmile

The Lonely Penny
Chap 8
Part 1

(recap)-
"Ce, what is it?" I asked.
"Claire, something happened at lunch!" her voice was shaking.

Cecilia stared nervously looking around. Then, she lead me down stairs.

“Ce, what is going on?!” She took me towards my dad’s classroom.

“No! You aren’t making me tell my dad!” I screamed at her.

“Claire, calm down! I’m not making you tell!” she lead me to a corner, “I’m looking for Bridget. I think she left. She was going to tell you with me. Whatever. So like I was talking to Bridget and telling her about Morgan this morning. I hardly said anything then Mrs. Stonsin overheard us,” Mrs. Stonsin was the head of detention. I started realizing where this was going. I didn’t like it.

Cecilia continued, “She said ‘I heard the word bullying. Now, one of you girls will have to report the girl or get detention.’ First off, we never said the word ‘bullying’ - I hardly got to say anything and I didn’t know she was there spying on our conversation! We had to tell her. She was going to give us detention!”

My face widen. I wanted to fall to my knees. My dad is on the board - how could this NOT spread to him! Somehow he WILL find out! My parents then will know that I have lied to them for 5 months. I kept my fear hidden.

“So...so what is she going to do?” I asked.

“I don’t know...” she sighed. She looked just as nervous as I felt.

“Ce, you and Bridget did the right thing! I would have done the same! You guys were right. Don’t feel guilty,” I hugged her, “Besides it was out of your hands Mrs. Stonsin had to know.” I walked away but I wanted to scream.


\\\\\ Part 2 /////
 
(Important Fact)- It was Monday. On Mondays, Claire has band practice at 3:20 to 4:20.

After school, the girls who did sports would gather in the cafeteria waiting for practice to begin. Anna did track and field. I ran into the cafeteria knowing that she was there. I saw Anna talking to some of her sophomore friends. I dragged her by the arm while she was talking.

“Ok then?...” Anna said confusedly. The room by the cafeteria was the auditorium where the old stage is kept. The only light was from the top windows. I turned around and looked at her in the face.

“Claire? What is it?” She asked.

“Anna! They know! It will get to my dad. Anna, they know. They all now know!” I said gasping for air.


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I do notifications so please do comment... The excitement is just STARTING peeps!
The Lonely Penny
Chap 7
Part 2
(narrating)- The day carried on. Cecilia and Morgan had the same class as Claire. It was her second last class. It was Monday. On Mondays, Claire has band practice at 3:20 to 4:20. School ends at 2:45.

“I can’t tell anyone... Did you see Anna’s face?... Morgan is strong for a little thing...’You need to tell someone’...Ugh! You know what Ce I don’t!” I was distracted by my thoughts in religion class. I looked over to Cecilia. She looked worried. She mouthed something to me, but I can’t read lips well. I shrugged my shoulders at her.

“See...me...af-ter...sch-ool,” She mouthed each syllable distinctly. She looked really nervous about something! I shook my head in agreement.

The bell finally rang but I had to wait one more class until I could find out what was up. After school, I ran into her by her locker.

"Ce, what is it?" I asked while trying to push my way through the crowd of girls walking the opposite direction. Last class, I was worried about her and about what she was going to say.

"Claire, something happened at lunch!" her voice was shaking.


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Sorry kinda short but it is getting good im excited for the next few chaps i hope you are too! :) ...This is when the story stays on the same days and events and stuff... I just had to give you some background on other things like the grades and stuff... Everything I saw will be important later! again I do NOTIFICATIONS!

Again this is a true story of my life... so the time this Chap. and a few more where
Jan. (2012!)
The Lonely Penny
Chap 7
Part 1

 
(recap)- I started getting mad! I stood up and turned around to face Morgan.
“You know what! I had it!” I stormed out.

I was in the bathroom passing back in forth like a nervous reck. My shoulders were hurting but that wasn’t what was bugging me.

“It will pass...it must pass...it’s nothing...” I was thinking. I started looking into the mirror rubbing on my cheeks trying to hold myself together. I felt bad for Morgan. That her only way to get her anger out was by hurting others. I had pity for her.

“If this is what pleases her and helps her...It doesn’t bother me...It shouldn't bother me!..." I was thinking. I started getting a hold of myself again. Then, Cecilia walked in as I was staring in the mirror. I turned around and she hugged me. I hugged back. She was shorter than me but a strong tough redhead.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah. why?” I said already knowing the answer. I jumped up on the window ledge and put my head against the wall.

“Well... You didn’t exactly just walk away.” She was standing by me.

“What did you guys do after I left?” I was more asking what did Morgan do.

“We told Morgan that she should have stopped and other things like that. Not much happened,” as she was speaking I was looking down, “Claire, you need to tell someone.” now I was looking at her remembering when Anna said that to me.

“Anna said that, too. It’s nothing. It will pass,” I said.

“Well, she was right! You need to tell someone!”

"Ce, I won't!" I spoke firmly.

"Claire, you have too!" Cecilia is a stubborn girl so I got up.

“No, I don't!” I walked out of the bathroom. I went over to get my backpack and went up to my locker. I ignored everyone who were in my path.


******************
Ok part 2 is on a different quote... it won't let me make this without deleting part 2 :(

 

Hate it
when you ignore someone
and they don't even
notice!!!
I wonder if that means
they don't care about
you talking to them
in the first place.., :/

OMG...
This will be my 69th quote!

The Lonely Penny

Chap 6
Part 1

(narrating)- Claire is at home after school. Its about 4:00 pm.

"Claire, did you tell Mom what you got on your algebra test?” Dad was asking me.
"No...” I was on the computer study for a Latin quiz that was held tomorrow.
"Well... what did you get?” Mom sitting at her computer. She was always on it finishing a teaching book for English grammar - hoping that one day it will be published. She is a really good English teacher.
Right when I opened my mouth to answer...
”She got a 90,” my dad rushed in saying it with a sigh, “A lot of the mistakes she made were easy questions. Like forgetting to carry a one or doing multiplying wrong like 4x4.”
“I thought it was addition. I do that sometimes. It’s just my dyslexia. Just a mistake,” I calmly fought back.
“You can’t afford to make mistakes! Like I would understand if you got one of the bigger problems wrong but you got the easy ones wrong. You got to get the easy ones right! You can’t just go blame your dyslexia either,” Honestly, I dont like bringing my dyslexia into it. Just when I need a back up like when my dad forgets that he is my father when home who shouldn’t how I got the 90 and be grateful that it’s a freakin 90!
“Maybe seeing the Education counselor when taking your tests so she can read it to you as you read it,” my mom said. She always thought that the counselor helped that much! When yes it did help but not enough to say that it was worth it.
“For algebra?” I questioned.
“No, I mean for any tests. I wasn’t talking about that test just in general.” The conversation ended because there is no use for to explain to them about how I like to deal with dyslexia.


Part 2

(narrating)- Claire is at school in the morning by the benches. Cecilia just stood up and started talking to Maggie. Claire sat in her stop.

"Get up! You can't sit there!" Morgan said to me. She was sitting behind me on the other bench.
"No. why? She got up," I calmly replied.
"It's Cecilia's spot. Get up!"
"Make me," I said sarcastically. Morgan started pushing my back and she was able to get me off almost all the way but I scooted back. She started pushing harder. It started to hurt.
"Morgan! Quit it! Cecilia is it okay that I sit here?" I shouted.
"Yeah. It's fine," Cecilia answered and went back talking.
"See told ya'," I smirked at Morgan. She stared me down.
"At least you asked," she snapped. She wasn't satisfied so she started pushing and hitting my shoulder. I just ignored her. It continued for 5 mins or so. Anna got to school. She came over to greet me as normal and saw Morgan’s doings.
“Stop hitting Claire!” Anna was putting her arms between me and Morgan and was defending me.
I just sat there - ignoring it all. Then Cecilia came over and started doing the same as Anna. I just wanted Anna and Cecilia to stop. Morgan will quit eventually unless you respond to her actions. I started getting mad! I stood up and turned around to face Morgan.
“You know what! I had it!” I stormed out.



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again I do Notifications if you please Comment. and please tell me what you think of it... (Im curious do you guys like the way I ended it this time?) I was getting some askings if I had some suspense in it. does that do it? I was hoping taking away the start would help with that too. And thanks for the new witty I got a new look for the  story so YAY!


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Confession #7
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I have once questioned my sexuality... And I'm not proud of it.... :/



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Confession #6
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I don't need to be told that I'm pretty... I dont need a boyfriend... I just want to know that I'm wanted and needed in this world by my friends at school... That I'm not invisible and that I'm a somebody... Not a nobody :/



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Confession #5
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I know I'm pretty just my younger sister is prettier...



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Confession #4
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My escape from my unwanted thoughts in my head was/maybe is cutting




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