HidingInMySmile

Howdy,
so this is my other account... A lot of you guys know me but when I need to vent about cutting I can't do it on my other account cuz one of my BEST friends knows it... but I just don't want to tell her abt the cuts... I started cutting in March... during spring break... I don't do it hard... and there is hardly any blood yet it does sting which helps me think abt the stinging instead of some other things that haunt me... I cut with a paper cutter that you find on one of those sliding kind... I never said that I wanted too... Just one day I took off the sliding thing and I was looking at it and then the idea just popped into my head... I was REALLY mad at my family that day... I feel like a failure to my family... and I believe that I am an asham to the world... My mom once said to me "How am I suppose to trust you now... I use to boast abt you... I use to say how I can trust you and you won't lie to me... You were my best friend!"... She told me that in 2nd grade... And it still fukin haunts me!!! I cry every night thinking that I ashamed my family... She said that after I lied to them about just one simple lie abt if I used the phone to call someone... I can't stand to be yelled at... If I am I BURST into tears like a waterfall!... And I can't stand to use the phone anymore... If Im on it I try to get off ... But it REALLY STUPID anyways... Don't get me wrong I got the kind of parents that are WAY too protective... But still they are parents that are a pain in the you know where... I use to be bullied by a friend for abt 6 months but that stopped... Now she is nice to me and we get along kinda weird IKR!... People make me feel different and EVERYONE points out my flaws which I already know!... Even some of my closer friends... Im just getting mad just say that.... I AM ALWAYS TENSE/ MAD AT THE WORLD!!!... I GAVE UP a long time ago!!!... I like to wear black shirts just to make a point to the world that Im not who you think I am... but no one picks up... I do a good job hiding it if I say so myself... I use to be REALLY strong in my faith but lately I been losing my faith in everything! I have thought of suicide and I know how I would do it too... I have two friends who I told that I am cutting but they don't seem to care and don't bother asking if I'm done or not... You see, since July I been done but I have slipped up in purpose.... Idon't want to stop... I'm just stopping for my friends and sister... I don't do it hard at all... I don't see why it isn't good besides the fact that one day all I wanted was MORE!!!... I think I might be bipolar which means that I am happy one sec but crying and cutting the next...

I am really nice and friendly and like to help people - just ask anyone... so if you need to Vent TALK TO ME!!! Yes, I got probs too but that might just help me understand you better!!! Just fyi - I am VERY random and I talk fast... ummm got questions just ask and I can't spell great so sorry if any of the words are spelled wrong... Thanks

This is a drawing that I did... Every word/ pic means something... the words are the words that go thru my head every fukin' day!... This "drawing" is my thoughts, my soul, my life... Everything on there has a story... Everything on there connects to another picture... It is EVERYTHING to me!