I look in the mirror today, tonight at this very moment. I
don't see myself anymore. No like i haven't seen myself
before, its just...cloudier. I don't feel right. I don't
feel like I have a self. A personality that i could call my own..
I'm faded, lying awake at night wondering how long before the
next horrible crash will commence. I shouldn't think that
way. I can't think like that. However, although it is
apparaent that i have a good and perfect life. I am truly
grateful for, of course. but i"m scared of losing it.
I'm scared of not being able to talk to people. I want to
help people. But i don't think I'm needed. Sometimes I
feel like I'm just not there. That theres a barrier between
me and a lot of my friends. I think it's myself to be honest.
There's something wrong with me that doesn't let me get
close to people. Theres just something wrong with me. I want to
spend time with my old friend but it seems like I'm never
around to be with him. I want to talk to all my other friends but
I feel like i bother the hell out of them by texting first...I
just..don't know what to do.. Everyone thinks I'm okay
right now.. everyone just thinks I'm okay..
I'm writing this to say thank you for all that you've
given me. Thank you for the great summer that has passed, thank
you for giving me understanding teachers, thank you for giving me
the oppurtunities to make the friends I've made, thank you
for leading me to find a beautiful human being whom I care for
very dearly, thank you for granting me many artistic
oppurtunities, thank you for giving me the courage to not give up
this summer and even tonight and even on the first week of
school, thank you for the help you've given me, even though i
don't always write to you or talk to you every day. You still
listen to me out of all people that deserve your guidance. Just
thank you. I know I still have a lot to work on and i still get
depressed and down because of the bullies and my parents. I still
get stressed to the max and I struggle pathetically during chorus
and men's choir because i physically can't hit low keys
no matter how hard i try. Haha i feel like my voice'll be
gone by the end of this week by how much i strain it. But hey,
you've given me so much comfort, now you are giving me
challenges. And i have faith that you would never give me too
much i can't handle. I trust that I will overcome my
struggles oneday; hopefully soon. I'd like to once again say
thank you for granting me this day. I was cheesing out the whole
day even though i went through some cringey bully moments.
Overall today was a great day and I can't wait for tomorrow.
Hopefully that interview with the news people will go well
tomorrow. I can't wait for medical emergencies either, oh my
god hahaha. I trust that this will be my best year yet. Again,
thank you for everything you've granted me so far, even the
challenges that may come my way.