Status: I always slap a smile of my face, even if I'm drownding in my tears.
Joined: April 7, 2012
Last Seen: 9 years
Birthday: August 11
user id: 290072
Location: California.
Gender: F
 Hey everyone. 
 I'm 15 years of age.
 I love all animals.
 I'm trying my very best not to hurt myself.
The song is Body Love by Mary Lamert

  In the end I just want to be happy with myself.

Quotes by KarlaKutsWithKrayons

I want to be able to sit here on my butt and read original quotes. Mostly poems, or poetry that really speaks to me and make me feel better. I can't though because it's like nothing seems to be original these days and that upsets me. Where's the creativity? The passion, the fire. Where's the life?

Where is it?
I quiet like the way your scars look.
The way they seem to shine.
I quite like the way your scars feel.
The was the seem to stand.
I quite like the way your scars taste.
When they're pressed upon my lips.
I want some motivation...
1 fave= 10 situps
1 comment= 10 pushups

Thanks guys xoxo
 Darling,  I know it's rough right now. And they all seem to  say, 'You don't have it bad.' or 'There are people who have it worse then you.' But this, this right here is all you can handle right now on your own. I have something to tell you though; you don't have to do it on your own because I'm right here with you.
So it's okay to break down infront of me, I'll hold your hand, pull you close, rub your back. Anything, I'll do anything I can to make you feel better. I promise you, I'll try to help.
The girls they kissed while the boys played.
Suicide it just to easy.
so I take the blade and cut my skin
cut by cut I breathe again.
The tears are gone
Are shed no longer
The music plays
But I can't hear
The sound of the blade
is just now here.
My eyes they shine
in the dull room light
They are not alive
but died with the quake
The blood drips no more
the floor stained red
With blood so bright
It looks to me that suicide was just to easy.
Started a story.  Hope I get some feed back.

Trigger warning
Triggered. Chapter Four.
   The halls were empty and cold looking; the lunch bell has already rung and I’m supposed to be in English right now. I sighed and cursed at myself for losing track of time and I hurried off to class as quickly as my sore legs would carry me. I quietly walked in and a few heads shot up from their books; one of them belonged to Corry. Our eyes locked for a moment before he turned away from me and continued to read.
   I sat in my regular seat in the back corner. It’s not like we have assigned seats, it’s just that I like this one seat because no one really notices you if your alone in a corner. Sometimes while I’m in this class room I feel like the girl in the corner of a perfect picture; the girl with no smile on her face in the back behind everyone in class.
    I looked up at Mrs. Treat she nodded at me as if she understood what I’m going through. I’ve never talked to her, I only listen and follow instructions. We both seem to be perfectly fine with doing so; just as long as I turn in work on time.
   I took out my book Lullaby and opened it up but didn’t read; my mind elsewhere.  I thought about Cory and how I just pushed him away like I wasn’t even interested. The truth is, I like him but I know I can’t do anything about it. If I did and I really fell in love with him and got close to him, everything would be over. He’d see all of my scars and think I’m a monster. I mean hell, it’s my body and I think I’m hideous. My life’s biggest mistake is letting it get so bad that I ran to that razor blade.
   Suddenly something hit me right in the chest and fell onto my desk with hardly any sound. I looked up and around the room. Cory was shyly waving at me. I gave him a small sad smile then picked up the note he had thrown at me. My heart was racing and I felt my face redden. Silently I opened the note up, it read, ‘I’m sorry for today… It’s just that, I really like you. The guy you like must be very lucky to have a girl like you chasing after him.’
   My breath caught in my throat and I made a little hiccup sound as I tried to breathe normally. The girl sitting next to me noticed and mouthed, ‘you okay?’ I nodded at her and she went back to reading. I took out a pencil and wrote back to him saying, ‘it’s alright… /:’ I tossed it back at him and hit him lightly on the head with it.
  As I waited I took my pencil and started to lightly stab at my legs. A moment later the note came flying my way; I caught it without a problem. All the note said was, ‘/:’ and that was it. It took all my strength to keep my breathing normal. It still felt strange, the way I was breathing. I started getting the feeling of a really bad anxiety attack. It felt worse than normal, my chest tightened and my breathing caught in my throat again and I started to cough.
   I had one hand clenching my chest trying to make the feeling go away. I tried taking a deep breath but it got caught in my throat and I started coughing, tears stung at my eyes and blurred my vision. I could feel the stare of the other students. I started to sweat a bit despite the cold chill in the room. The girl next to me tried patting my back but her touching me freighted me and made me flinch. I shot up out of my chair and ran out the door stopping outside of it.
   Soon I stopped coughing and was just taking deep heaving breaths. The teacher came out to make sure I was okay. She asked if I needed to go to the nurse’s office, I said I was alright and there was no need to worry about me. She returned to class.  The feeling had left, and I finally relaxed and leaned against the cool brick wall. I’ve never had an attack that bad. I took a few more calming breathes of air and wiped my face clean then walked back into the class room; everyone’s eyes on me.
   I felt my face redden as I walked back to my seat and started to actually read. I was so embarrassed.
   The rest of the day continued on and nothing else happened. Me and Amber met up between classes and laughed about how some girl freaked out over a dog in P.e. We talked about what boys were cute and which ones weren’t our type. It was calming and fun.
   When it came to the point where it was time to go home, I said I would see Amber later and that I was walking home. I took my time getting my things from my locker when a note fell out of one of my chemistry note book that was full of doddles.
   I expected it to be from Cory, or Amber or even Katie; but it wasn’t. The writing was a tad bit sloppy but easy to read.
 ‘Dear Annaleah,
      Let’s (10) take a drive. (5) I’ll be waiting out front for you by the bus threes loading spot. (7)
                                                                                                                           From, me.
P.s, you never know who could be looking over your shoulder when you open your locker. Such and easy locker combination to remember.’
   I wonder who it could be. Katie only writes in cursive because she thinks it’s real classy. Cory, well his hand writing is much neater, plus he takes the bus and they’ve already left by now. Amber would start out a letter with, ‘Hey babe’ then after she’s done writing she would spray it with sweet perfume.
   I walked outside the school and headed cautiously over to the buses loading spots. There was no one there. I knew it had to be some kind of joke or trick. I looked around once more for the stranger or some other cars; but there was nothing here.
   Just as I started to walk away a grey car drove past me; Katie’s car. Her hand was stuck out the window; giving me the middle finger. I looked away from her direction and started to walk home as fast as I could. Of course she would do something like that. She could have paid some guy to look over my shoulder and have him write that note. I should have ignored it to begin with. 


Trigger warning
Triggered. Chapter Three.
“This is a very beautiful place. One day, I’d like to go in there.” I said as I slowly walked over to a tree and ran my hand over it.
   Cory agreed and said, “Me too. But I’ve seen better places.”
   That’s when I looked at him, finally interested.
  “You have?” I asked. This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen and it’s like I’m homesick for something more.
Cory smiled at me.
   “Sit young one, I have much to tell you.” He said as he sat against the trees stump. I sat next to him but not to close. Then suddenly he got a bit closer, claiming there was a root bothering his bottom.
   “So tell me about this oh to beautiful place.” I laughed and smiled.
   Cory looked at me, his eyes seemed to shine. It’s like I could see myself in the beautifulness of them. I looked almost happy; and I almost was happy. Suddenly Cory leaned in a bit. I looked away from him and at the school. I could feel a blush coming across my cheeks.
   “So this place. I was camping with my dad last summer and we went to the woods. I don’t remember where but there was this river and it was truly amazing. The rushing water; so cool on a warm morning baring lovely fish of all sizes. The trees were so tall full of dark rich green leaves. Claw marks from wild bears. The claw marks went up so high it was hard to tell how high exactly.” Cory kept on describing the beautiful woods and rushing river.
   I closed my eyes and gently leaned my head on his shoulder imagining the amazing feeling that would come with seeing all of this. Then Cory stopped talking the image faded. I could feel the hardness of his strong shoulder and the warmth radiating from his closeness.  I started to blush again, but I kept my eyes closed hoping Cory wouldn’t tell.
   “Nine.” Cory said softly. His fingers tracing over my hand warming my palms. I gently pulled away from him and sat up; eyes open.
   “Um. Yeah?” I said taking a chance to look at him. He looked kind of hurt, but his eyes still had hope in them. This isn’t going to end well for earthier of us. He nervously smiled at me again.
   “Uh, would you like to… Go out with me?” He asked cautiously.
   I looked away, my eyes on the gray school building. I could feel my fake smile breaking. There’s no way I could be with someone like him. He’s way too good for me. I couldn’t stay happy enough for a relationship. Tears burned at my eyes. I could never get close to anyone no matter how hard I try; I’d always mess up in the end; always. I thought to myself.
  “Cory.” I paused trying to keep my breathing under control. “There’s someone else, I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.” I stood up and started to run. My lungs burned, and it hurt to breath. I kept running. I ran to the handicap bathroom and locked the door. I threw my book bag across the small room it crashed on the other side and most of the contents fell out.
   Looking at the little white box that I keep my fake glasses in fell out. Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks. I hurriedly went over and picked up the box opening it up. Folded neatly was my orange glasses cleaner. I gently took it out and unfolded it taking out the sharp blade.
   I carefully took off my shoes along with my black slacks. I folded my pants up and placed them on the counter with my shoes. I took the blade off of the square of fabric and poked my finger. I started to cut along my thighs and hips; over old scars and fresh cuts. Blood started to leak from my open flesh. I kept going; I couldn’t even feel the pain. Everything was numb but I wanted to make sure. I quickly grabbed tissues and started wiping off the blood from my legs before it got to my socks.
   I went to my bag and got out my ‘make up bag’, I opened it up and took out a few packets of gauze and medical tape that I took from John. Quickly I wrapped myself up and taped everything down making sure I wouldn’t bleed through my gauze and pants. After a moment of waiting and cleaning I put my shoes and pants back on finally feeling what I’ve done.
   My pants look a little bulky but not enough to question. I waited by the door curled up in a ball, a few tears dripped down my cheeks. Quickly I wiped them away and gathered up all of my belongings and stuffed it in my book bag. I looked around the small little room to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I washed my hands then headed out of the bathroom.

Trigger warning
Triggered. Chapter Two.
  I started walking to school, not really in a big hurry. Just as I got out of the block I headed to the park. I sat down on one of the benches that faced the street. I sat there for a good five minutes before I busted out into tears. Great heaving sobs that sounded sad. I hadn’t cried like this since I found out every time I did, John could hear me. The next time he would see me he would tease me and call me names like ‘cry baby’, ‘blubber butt’, ‘whiney hinny’.
  I couldn’t stop crying, and I felt ugly for crying so much. When I cry, I snot cry and it’s extremely unattractive. I pulled a few tissues out of my book back and cleaned my face after I had stopped crying. I got up and trashed the tissue, then I headed for school; again. I hung my head and listened to The Catalyst by Linkin Park. I stopped at a cross walk and waited to the signal to walk across the street.
   The school, two more blocks away. The rate I’m walking at I’m going to be late for first period. I took a step off the curb and started to walk across the street, the only thing I could hear is, ‘Lift me up, let me go.’ Suddenly there was a loud honking right next to me; I looked up just in time to see the boy in the mustang stopping. I looked around and the light was green for him to go.
   The boy stuck his head out of his window. His dark blue eyes focused on me.
“Get in, I’ll give you a ride” Is all he said, in a voice soft but deep.
   I walked across the street and kept walking. He didn’t even bother to try and get me in his car again, he just drove off to school; leaving me behind.
   Once I got to school, I went to the office and got a tardy note; then headed to first period. Everyone stared as I walked in, even the teacher; Mr. Ross.  I silently walked over to him and handed him the note, then went to my lab seat in the back next to Katie Shaw.
   Katie watched me as I walked to my seat next to her. “Buying drugs for your inbred parents again Annie-poo?” She smirked at her own joke. I sat there not saying anything to her like I normally do every day. She scoffed and gave me a dirty look like she always does. Does she ever get tiered of doing that? I asked myself.
   I pulled out my Chemistry note book and took notes all period. Katie kept bumping my elbow and making me mess up. I stopped writing and put my pencil down. I turned to her and glared at her. Katie looked as if she was satisfied that she got a reaction from me.
 “Why the hell do you always mess with me?” I spat at her.
  She looked shocked, surprised that I spoke.
   A playful smile came across her lips and she said, “So little baby Annie-poo does speak.” She paused making sure the students around us listened to what she was about to say. “You know, your little name I gave you matched that little voice of yours.”
I glared at her waiting for more.
   “It’s like this; little voice to match a little person.” She leaned in close to me and whispered this last part. “I bet if someone was, I don’t know. Beating the life out of your little body, you could scream and no one could hear you.” The smile on her face vanished and she looked dead serious. Then she said, “Happy Halloween Annie-poo.”
   Throughout the rest of the day up until lunch I didn’t speak to anyone, not the teachers, not my class mates, not even my other partners. Today, really just wasn’t my day. I sat down outside where Amber and I usually eat lunch and waited for her. After she had gotten her lunch Amber and Cory came walking up to me still laughing like they had been on the bus.
   “Hey babe.” Amber said as she sat down next to me. Cory nodded at me and sat next to Amber. I lay back on the cool soft grass, my face shaded by the tall tree that grew there. I closed my eyes and in that moment everything faded away. All the bad thoughts I keep having; gone. My breathing slowed along with my heart rate.
   A touch of my leg jolted me upward; I ended up head butting Cory and falling back down. “Ouch, ouch, ouch.” I kept repeating as I held my forehead. Cory rubbed his forehead and stood over me. “I’m so, so sorry. Nine, are you all right?” He asked as he gently pulled me up. I nodded and rubbed at my forehead; I can feel a headache starting up.
   “I really didn’t mean to scare you like that… It’s just that I wanted to talk to you.” I looked at Amber and she had a wide smile on her face.  I looked back at Cory, his face full of hope.  I nodded and grabbed my things and stood up careful not to hit Cory again. I took two steps with him and tripped over Amber’s feet; Cory caught me without hesitation.
   “Careful Annie-poo; wouldn’t want to mess up that pretty little face of yours.” Katie called over to me from her group of snobby friends; her friends burst out laughing at this. I looked down at my feet and kept walking. Cory was following me close behind. As soon as we got far enough from Katie and her group of friends we stopped and sat on the far side of the school where there were more trees.  Most couples go to this side of the school because security sucks and there are more places to do ‘it’.
   Cory cleared his throat and looked at me square in the face. His smile seemed so shy, yet nervous at the same time it twitched a few times. I looked at his bright blue eyes and smiled a bit at him trying to lighten his mood. Instead of talking we looked around at the beauty of the trees, kind of close together but beautiful all the same.