LifeIsAFuckingBitch

I am so over everything. I dont know what to do anymore. All the reason's that i had to keep me alive are slowly fading away and i find myself with no reason to stay alive and no purpose. I dont know what i did to deserve this kind of punishment that god has thrust upon me. Disownment form my own famly, Loss of my loved ones and abondonment from some of my bestfriends. There is only one reason why i am still alive today, and that is because my sister Tay is always talking my out of suicide. I dont know hopw many times she has stopped me from commiting suicide, how many times she has listened to me cry why i tell her whats wrong, how many times she has hugged me after seeing my scars or just cared for me because we are family. I love her tyo death. But i know how much of a burden i am to her. I know hjow much she loves me nd she has told me countless times ad i in return have told her how much i love here, she is my world and i hers. I just cant stand the thought of being a burden to her. I was feeling like commiting suicide again today and i wanted to tell her but i couldnt. Because i dont want to keep burdening her. But i just want to end it all. The pain of it all just hurts too much, i can't stand it. I know it's selfish for me to be thinking of commiting suicide but some people just cannot understand or feel the pain that i fee inside. I just want it to all go away. 

Ever since my one of my best friends told me that she gives up on me and wants basically nothing to do with me i have no fuking clue what to do! I mean she was my bestfriend. She was the one i could always talk to if i was going through the bad stage of my depressipon. I would always go to her for advice or go to her to talk to or just hang out and be silly. Now, now i cant do any of that. I've wanted to commit suicied for a long time and she has known about it and has always been there to help support me but then a week or so ago she told me that sh gives up on me and dosent really wanna have anything to do with me. My whole world came crashing down. As if i hadnt lost enough in my life but now i lost my one of my bestfriends!? I just feel so lost. I dont know what to do. I feel so alone. I can't talk to any other of my friends because i dont want them to worry aboiut me and i dont want to burden them. I just don';t know what to do anymore i feel like i dont have a place in this world.. People always leave me or disown me or i somehow drive them away unintentionally. I am just so over it. I dont want this pain, i don't want this life. I dont want anything anymore.

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I sit here and think what is the point of life? What reason do we have to live other than to watch people die and get hurt and suffer. I mean why would god want us to suffer like that. I think the worst kind of punishment for a person could be to watch a loved one die or suffer. The world is so unfair that it is not funny! Everyday i wonder why did my brother have to die!? Why him? Why not someone who deserves to like a rapist or a murderer or a terroriost! Why him and so many other innocent people? Its just not fair! But i guess that's the whole point of it. Life isn't fair so why should anything or anyone else be!? I don't know what to do anymore because i don't see the point. Now, to me, everything is pointless! Even living.