Livingformatfree

& Today should've been our 2 year, and I bet he doesn't even realize

& I've been doing so well lately. Trying to be happy. It worked for a while, but on lonely nights like this, I just can't seem to snap back. I don't know exactly why I feel lonely. It's just this empty pit inside of me that won't go away no matter how hard I try to ignore it. Well, lets hope I can snap back into a happier me in the morning.

& I almost lost the only thing in the world that matters to me today

& All I am is a compilation of what people expect from me. When will figure out who the real me is? I'm not books or studying or #30. So, who am I?

& I'm afraid of what this fascination and curiosity might bring me to do

& It's like this month is full of endings for me. 10 months of school. 3 years of friendship with him. 8 years of playing soccer. Who knows, maybe 15 years of life is next.

& Throughout the past three years, it seems I've finally gotten emotions. I've learned how to cry. I've learned how to be scared. I've learned how to feel guilty. Oh gosh. The guilt is the worst. Guilty about being a b*tch to good people. Guilty about being selfish. Guilty about being a bad friend, child, person. Guilty for growing up too fast. The guilt is ultimately what's going to pull the trigger.

& It's gotten to the point where I show up 15 minutes late to practice and literally only 2 people notice.

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& I've decided that I cannot die yet. There are so many things I still want to do. I don't mean this in a "life is precious, don't throw it away too early" sort of way. I mean this in a "I'm going to save money so when I turn 18 I can do these things so I don't have to stay on this earth an extra minute" sort of way.