Dudu*

Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 8 hours
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


i have a black dog. 


I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

that eternal force that's been there all the way.
you're never alone, you're loved beyond comprehension.
overcoming misunderstandings and soft blocking rumination.
you are loved more than you will ever know

that certain feeling that creeps up on you after a long day:
on the bus ride home, before bed or during a shower,
when there's no podcast or music to drown out your inner monologue
that's when you decide who you are. that's when you reconnect with your true self.
that's when you feel the most stable.
your superpower.

simply being with you.
as time passes,
i feel you pick up my
worries and shrink them
into tiny managable loads
of baggage.

sometimes you transform them into
little trinkets. You have a way of making
them appear as a fun challenge.

like gifts in disguise.

how pretty your eyes are.
you see only the good.
the big-little changes.

how two foot steps became four and two heart rhythms became one.
the three words that led to this path of light yet complex feelings.
the off the record conversations in a safe, secluded place.
how this tight chest situation was alleviated with a simple confession.

sighing less frequently, my facial expressions matching the feelings within.
the rush of warmth to my cheeks, a genuine smile.
the flicker in your eyes when you set the angel wings aside.
long drives, long walks & long stories told how they're supposed to be.
midnight arriving with the influx of love calls and promises.
the halo disappears but his words always remain sweet.


 
it's like i'm making up for lost time.
gushing to you about everything i've done or been doing
clinging on for another hug or chance at cuddling.

all my forbidden fruits were complex feelings.

when betrayal and sadness could only be expressed through
the careful yet immature words of "i'm upset/angry."

but now i'm catching up on lost time. 
like how your name never lost meaning after saying it a million times:
i'll spew out "i love you" a million times over. 


[let's keep existing between this line of black and white.]
this grey is now a glowing silver and this heart has a lot of love to give.
after suppressing it all and only living out my dreams while i lie asleep,
now i want to keep making up for lost time in this space with you.

 
and it's been strange. learning about how all these little things i hated or enjoyed had a deeper meaning. the battles my subconsious was dealing with while i just flinched unknowingly. ignorance wasn't bliss. it left me confused and unsure of why i thought the way i thought and why i felt the way i felt. these back stories, this knot i'm unravelling. it's interesting. it's been really difficult, but i understand myself better. i guess you never really stop learning about yourself.
it was difficult to accept that you couldn't love me in the ways that i wanted you to. i had expectations so in the end i got disappointed. i had seen how you could love others and so it hurt more deeply. i drew you angel wings and tried blurring the bad memories. i know you tried your best. i know you didn't know better. i know you think you were fair. and because i knew all that, i felt even more guilty for needing more from you.  
"i felt like i had to work hard to deserve everything.
even the basic, for granted things.
i couldn't just eat, i couldn't just be loved. 
in the same way i would compensate for a meal,
i always thought i could only love after making up.
i had to keep scores so i could stay one step behind.
i had to suffer to prove to myself that i was deserving.
what a heartbreakingly silly thing to have learnt.
i saw the human side of you again after a long time.
child-like. innocent. you were always great at drawing.
you told me a back story. you laughed as you told me
but it was quite sad.
"out of all the things i could be good at. my talent was this."

GOOD
GIRLS
MAKE
DO.

i see lightening bolts whenever you speak,
but i'll tell myself that's how spring clouds are meant to be.

i always wanted a reason to like spring.
i'll paint you in all the pink shades you like.
in this sunlight, my tinted window acts as a mirror.
there's a sparrow that visits me this time of year.
he doesn't know he's fighting with his own reflection.

when i'm in a bad mood, the tapping could drive me crazy.
other times though, i want to believe he's checking in on me.
As if God has sent a little sparrow to me. 
A cute, stupid sparrow that knows enough morse code to tell me;

"hang in there".