Dudu*

Status: interning...yay.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 week
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


i have a black dog. 


I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

thank God for my health.
For you I almost ran myself
to the ground.

Just so you could
hold me.
then i ran to my safe space
and loved him harder.
the enemy of my enemy,
i call him my lover.
just know that i tried my best.
you think i'm heartless and cruel
but all these things you say
i learnt them all from both of you.
i was never the favourite kid.
i must have kept a strong streak in second place.

how could you both make me feel so great yet insignificant?
just know that for the longest time i was living for you.
grades, friendships, barbeques...somehow everything was to make you proud.
i was hanging onto every compliment,
why is it that i could keep count? 

when i drew the line. no, when you both forced me to build this wall, it was also for you.
how many things did i keep from you?
how many nights did i wish that you weren't my parents?
how embarassing at my big age i still feel stuck in this place.
just know that i was trying my best.
i didn't respond but still paid all your bills well before the due date.
if i was no longer the quiet kid who did well on their own,
then now i was the distant adult who you could still depend on.

it's so painfully superficial, my heart can't find rest.
you adored the others for merely existing yet scorned at me for failing tests.
i'm sorry for my past self who fought so hard.
surely i could forgive myself for throwing in the towel.
surely they won't notice i've given up on them now.
and you say that all the time.
i should be grateful.

rushing to help you before you even call.

i'll miss
you when you're gone
you sa
y that all the time.

we
ll my eyes sting and my throat feels like it's on fire.
my chest is tight and my narrow shoulders are heavy.
despite your grand
 promises; i'm still so lonely.

perhaps i'l
l miss it.
i'll pro
bably miss it.
but it'll be in so
me deluded, distant way. 
the way
that traumatic memories are buried in the mind and only the bearable ones linger.
with time i'm sure even those sad nights will glimmer.

so
you're right. i'm going to miss this.
some day, som
e how even this pain will glow.

 

i'm sorry my brain has turned to mush, i promise it wasn't always this way.
my cheeks are red, my brain must have overheated.

i can't even rhyme anymore.
you can hold my hand and heart whenever you want.

i think i like you a lot.
 
i want to keep seeing the light in your eyes
and pretending to hear the words that you speak.

i'm constantly distracted by your smile.
i'll nod along until you catch on.
toxic.

cause if i press this button and re-open this wound, maybe then it'll get to you. but if i say it hurts and you say it again a little louder, how can we expect a different next chapter? we're both at it again, as certain as sunrise and set. sometimes you're cool and i'm too hot. mostly we're just burning red, blowing off steam and becoming who we said we're not. how'd we learn to vent this way? we're childish and immature. even during this argument i want to kiss you just to spite you. but you're getting teary and pouty as you continue to tell me off. we take turns with caving in and tonight i'm the first one 0n my knees. i can never win when you're like this; it makes me feel especially sorry. now eye to eye it's like our demons have left us. we'll apologise, cook dinner and decide what gifts the cash in the swear jar can afford us.

i heard a tune and i hummed along, instinctually i just hummed along. i heard his voice and i sung along. without much thought i sang along. and when i felt this breeze, i put my jacket on. i hugged it on. you see how things have changed? now i simply carry on. i don't try to fight it. i just carry on.
 

cause i couldn't say it
and you didn't either.
we're both just starry
eyed looking forward
to the next encounter.

eitherway,
i'll adjust,
manage
and come out on top.
i hate that you can't cover your feelings.
you wear disdain like it's something to be proud of.
it's also not impressive when one cannot filter their words.
it's more respectable when someone can take others into account.
consideration is key and spluttering out whatever comes to mind is never pretty.
we're all learning. let's be more sympathetic from now on, shall we?