Status: interning...yay.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 5 days
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

one day at a time.

my head hurts feeling like i'm sprinting in the same spot.
this headache from staying up late and for what?

tomorrow will i man up and practice what i learnt?

this insecurity, this uncertain, shakable feeling.
the annoying inflection that makes a statement
sound like a question. that awkward bead of sweat
that makes existing appear more difficult than it is.

all of it. slowly will dismantle.
bring it to a boil, melt it and
cast iron into the image of myself i longed to meet.

always so passionate when it came to her.
always so elusive when it came to responsibility.
silver hair and blazing eyes,
still you don't know the reason why.
you're a special kind of cruel.
i learnt it all from you.
i remember how i felt.
sore and out of place.
awkward and uncomfortable.
it was like a hot beam spotlight moment
yet also like i was in the background and didn't matter.

i remember how it felt.
younger me consoling myself.
telling myself it would be over soon.
promising myself i would never put myself in a similar situation ever again.

biting my lip just hurt me.
sweeping things under the rug just made me feel dirty.
keeping the peace always left me hurt.

keep your promise.
prioritise me.


i'm not sure what i'll do
i might regret it
but i'm growing old.
i can't dread the days i'm supposed to enjoy.
time with family is supposed to be
something i look forward to

i can't keep dreading the days
i'm supposed to enjoy.


            Papa is only human.
               he has been many things.
               my umberella, my cheerleader,
               my anger, my embarassment, my regret, 
               my first best friend  and my favourite.
                  but above all else
                            he is only human.
my anxious black dog

i think it will always be like this.
this tight, lurking, dreary, unsettling feeling.
this all encompassing, yet discrete, gnawing feeling.
this thing that is always with me.

i think it will just always be like this.
"what are you working towards,
what's your end goal?
saving up for a house or car?
marriage or for your family?"

it caught me off guard.

you asked questions i didn't have the answers to yet.
you asked questions that left me feeling stunned and teary eyed when you left.
what am i doing this all for.
why exactly am i trying so hard.
those thoughts took turns taking laps in my head ever since you asked.
"i never knew what game you were playing, but i always had to keep score. sometimes you were sensitive and critical. after the storm, the calm would come. in the form of reassurance and splendid gifts of adoration. a fight meant a cuddle later. my tears falling signposted to remorse and your apologies. there was this pattern with you. bitter then sweet. cold then hot. always keeping me on my toes, until i decided to stop."
sometimes in the face of adversity you crumble.
sometimes it takes too much out of you to remain strong.
sometimes your environment takes too much of a toll on you.

sometimes it's okay to not blame myself for things i can't control.
sometimes i can go easy on myself for wasting another day away.
sometimes i do just need to eat junk and binge watch dr who to make myself feel better.

sometimes a nap in the afternoon is warranted without the excuse of a hectic morning.
sometimes tough love isn't enough.
sometimes i need to parent myself in a way that i was not parented.

take it day by day.
that's what i've always done.
and it's the only thing that always worked.
fastest land animal

honey hit me where it hurts.
come on, make me feel like dirt.

you think i don't know while i know you do.
just say it ain't so and it'll all be good.

i've been thinking about it lately.
back when your cheeks would flush all rosie.

i think i've lost my touch
i think i'm going to have to change it up.

it's a new passcode,
now i don't answer when you call.
when exactly are you going to catch on?