Dudu*

Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 week
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

 



I'm still learning new things about myself. I write when I can, I'm sorry for the spam, but not really.

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Quotes by Dudu*

i start my days belting "my life is a beauty". it doesn't feel like it, but it's nice to sing along to. 
Letters to you JH,
You're a real comfort to me. I think i can have the strength to go on now. You're so nice. I have work in the morning, i hope it is a good work day. I miss you like always. Rest well.
I don't even miss talking to you. I just miss the person that i'd made you out to be. I hate that you couldn't live up to it. My low expectations were too much for you. I guess i'm sorry then.
Throw away all your memories of me. I let go a long time ago. Throw away everything i gave  you. I stopped caring a while ago anyway. I want to get rid of everything. I wanted to purposely throw it away for you to see. The pressed flower painting that you gifted me. The long necklace-like beads. They were precious to me at first. I wanted to keep them to look back at when i'm feeling nostalgic. But not even for that. Throw away everything I gave you, the poncho, the gas money. Throw it all away. I wish I didn't give you anything. If I could go back, I would throw you away too.
Letters to you, JH;
Each day brings a new challenge. I passed all my exams. I did better than i expected. I'm not that dumb afterall. The happiness was shortlived I don't know what to hang around for anymore. I hate this. When i passed, i thought things would get better. When i got a job i thought things would get better. When i lost weight, i thought the same too. I guess it's all just mental. It's probably never that bad, but each day feels worse than the one before. Anyway. I'll find something new to look forward to i guess.
I just want you to know what you did wrong and apologise wholeheartedly. I'll forgive you. I know i'll forgive you even if you apologise without knowing what you did wrong. But you can't just say it for show. If you don't get it, history will repeat itself. I hate it when you reach out to me. If you're not sorry then what's the point. I had a long morning that day. I was happy to see you after a long day. Why'd you have to go and make me the bad guy? Now I purposely hang back later, avoid your gaze, your questions. Why are you curious all of a sudden? I don't want to pick a fight, but everytime you ask why i'm mad, it's like you're trying it. I told you what you did wrong, you brush it off. I told you it wouldn't be the same after, so why are you doing this? I've never seen you cry this much, but i've never cared any less. I think time will fix this. I'll speak to you again soon, it won't be awkward for you anymore. But for now...for now that's a distant dystopia.
Letters to you, JH;

It seems my life is a series of me working really hard then burning myself to the ground. I'm currently in the working really hard phase. I just started up again so I don't have the luxury of slowing down, but yeah. I just know i'll flip the swich soon enough. A close friend asked me how i'd lost the weight recently. I told her what she wanted to hear. I miss you a lot, btw. The moments where i don't think about you are very rare. Especially lately. I'm not speaking to my parents. I don't mind favouritism, but theirs' is unconditional. They think she can do no wrong, while I've been asked why i'm being like this, as if I'm not the one constantly being hurt. Anyway, i miss you a lot. I'm a little mad at you, but still. I hope you're doing well.
tomorrow will either be one ot the best or worst days of my life, eek.
said i wanted to pass on, now all this pain sets in. can't stay up, can't wake up early. paralysed by it. i wanted to pass on. now i just want this pain to pass on. i'll be stronger when this pain passes on.
said i wanted to pass on, now all this pain sets in. can't stay up, can't wake up early. paralysed by it. i wanted to pass on. now i just want this pain to pass on. i'll be stronger when this pain passes on.