my head hurts feeling like i'm sprinting in the same
this headache from staying up late and for what?
tomorrow will i man up and practice what i learnt?
this insecurity, this uncertain, shakable feeling.
the annoying inflection that makes a statement
sound like a question. that awkward bead of sweat
that makes existing appear more difficult than it is.
all of it. slowly will dismantle.
bring it to a boil, melt it and
cast iron into the image of myself i longed to
always so passionate when it came to her.
always so elusive when it came to responsibility.
silver hair and blazing eyes,
still you don't know the reason why.
you're a special kind of cruel.
i learnt it all from you.
i might regret it buti'mgrowingold.
i can't dread the days i'm supposed to enjoy.
i can't keep dreading the days
i'm supposed to
"what are you working
what's your end goal?
saving up for a house or car?
marriage or for your
caught meoff guard.
asked questions i
theanswers toyet. you
when youleft. what am i doing this all
exactly am i trying so hard. those
taking laps in my headever
"i never knew what
game you were playing, but i always had to keep score. sometimes you were
sensitive and critical. after the storm, the calm would come. in the
form of reassurance and splendid gifts of adoration. a fight
meant a cuddle later. my tears falling signposted to remorse and
your apologies. there was this pattern with you. bitter then
sweet. cold then hot. always keeping me on my toes, until i
decided to stop."
sometimes in the face
of adversity you crumble. sometimes it takes
too much out of you to remain strong. sometimes your
environment takes too much of a toll on you.
okay to not blame myself for things i can't control. sometimes i
can go easy on myself for wasting another day away. sometimes i do just
need to eat junk and binge watch dr who to make myself feel
sometimes a nap in
the afternoon is warranted without the excuse of a hectic
morning. sometimes tough
love isn't enough. sometimes i
need to parent myself in a way that i was not
take it day by day. that's what i've always done.
and it's the only thing that always worked.