Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 23 hours
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


I'm still learning new things about myself. I write when I can, I'm sorry for the spam, but not really.

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Quotes by Dudu*

this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. if i can overcome this i will love myself. maybe that's too much. i will at least have a newfound respect for myself. okay that's not true either. i respect myself already. hmm, i guess if i can overcome this, i will stop undermining myself a little less. if i can do this, then i may be able to do anything i set my mind to. if i can do this, then there's not much i can't do. but this is a double edged sword. if i can't do this. if i fail. i will hate myself. on a different scale. i'm afraid i'll hit a new rock bottom. i'll work hard for now. that's all i can do. in a month it will all be better or worse. but all i have is now.
you're the only thing that makes me happy. how sad is that?
And i get it now. when i would see nurses outside of the hospital smoking i didn't get it then. "Don't they know how bad smoking is?" They know. They just don't care. I understand now because i don't care much either. i won't smoke, but we all pick our poison. i was so naive. 
I'm far from perfect. I know. I think I know that best.
It's not my parent's fault but i always felt like i grew up too fast. I don't really have a childhood that is nice to look back at. Nothing particularly sad happened. I had good times i'm sure, but if i were to pick a certain time i wouldn't be able to. For the most part, i think it came down to the fact that I never had time to be selfish.

By the time i was two there was already a new baby on the way. I wasn't a forgotten child or anything. To this day i still feel very loved by my family. But i don't know how else to put it. I never got the chance to be selfish over anything. I never questioned sharing, and if something was taken away and no longer mine, i always had to make myself feel okay about it. i never felt the stong need to defend myself in any argument. I didn't place any importance on what anyone else thought was right. Even if i felt wronged, i was never resilient. Even if i was being bullied, i always thought
"oh, the bully must have it worse since they feel the need to take it out on me." I think that's a mature thought process that I wish i never had when i was so young.

I wish i wasn't as compassionate or empathetic. I would have made wholesome friends much earlier on, stood up to the bullies and had a happy childhood to look back at. My emotional intelligence grew much earlier on than i would have liked it to. I don't know. Obviously it's shaped me into who i am today...but i'm still not too sure how i feel about that yet.
I'm taking the right steps to get there. If i'm not then i don't know what more i can do. It's not a hard road to walk, but others have the luxury of driving. Eitherway, it's the same journey. I have to look at the bright side. Even when it's hard to. 
It probably exists but not in the way i want it. My wish would likley come into fruitation but with limitations. I can already see it now. What i've been longing for, it'll fall into place. But it won't be exactly as i wanted. Not nearly as good enough. And when the time comes, i'm not sure how i'll react. Will i give in...or will i hang onto the hope that there's better out there? i'm not sure. Maybe i'm being selfish. Maybe i'm asking for too much. Eitherway, I'll worry about it when that time comes i guess.
still feel numb, the difference now is that i have comitments. even if i don't care about myself, i can't let others down. and there might come a time when i do start to care. i don't wanna sabotage future me. can't let her down.
Don't really know what I'm hanging around for anymore. Don't know who I'm trying to be anymore.
don't know anymore.
It's like the sum of how i feel cancels out. I feel some joy, i feel some sadness. But at the end of the day, when i look back it cancels out. It wasn't a good day, it wasn't necessarily a bad one either. I wish i could fast forward to the end of the year. I have a lot planned for the end of the year. I'm hanging on till then.