Dudu* online now

Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 6 minutes
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


i have a black dog. 


I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

soon you'll be able to sleep well again. the sadness will be swept away in one blow. you'll eat proper meals from now on too. everything will fall at your feet. a new sun will embrace you, a new moon will watch over you. soon a spark will light up in your chest and you'll forget all the bad things. as i stroke your cheek and hold you close, i can't help but think how natural this is. of course even at this parting, comforting you is a must. 
"Prove me wrong. Will I ever find someone who loves like me? Will I have to accept coldness? I'm not the type to be chipped away when met with coldness. I'm the type to only give in when I'm met with warmth.

I think all my words through before saying them. I would never hurt him intentionally. Each word is careful.

Prove me wrong. If you said it, how can you not mean it? I know when you're joking. Let's be honest here. You we're trying to hurt me. I'll frame it for you. Your ego was hurt and you wanted to hit back for a second. But the difference was I wasn't trying to hurt your ego or your feelings. You snapped back and used my weakness against me. I don't really want a hug right now. How can you give me the pain and the remedy all at once?

I fantasized about this...being comforted by you after a long, trying day. You're only human. We're both only human. You can make mistakes. But please, let's both be more careful. I have no one else but you. If you hurt me I feel some type of way. Like I'm backed into a corner. Like I'm a little girl backed into a corner. You bring me back to that space.

Small and with no where else to go. It's a bad feeling. Truly awful feeling."

"I'm going to love you," you said.
Then what is this? The type of heart you've given me...
it's the type you will never accept.
if i am being completely honest, if i am being my true selfish self...then i have to admit it.
it's been very hard for me to accept that you can't do anything for me. 

"You said it in a playful way. You were being serious. i knew but i played along. both on self-sabotage mode. i knew, i just didn't care. if you're going to ruin me, just do it. we're not coming back to our senses anytime soon. like we've always done, we'll bury this one too. another dirty secret to bring us closer. your past and mine too. they're similar. our futures...we will worry about that some other time. right now it's fight or flight. survival mode. we don't know any of that. your my unhealthy coping mechanism. we're both so serious, it's funny. you keep creeping into my thoughts. i feel myself become more like you. even your breathing is timed with my heart beat. started from your fingertips now this blue stain has made its way all over. if you're going to ruin everything, start and end with me. if i meet your eyes and don't break, it's over."
I crumbled her into a ball and threw her out in the trash. when I see her now I don't feel anything for her. she is pitiful, but she doesn't even deserve my pity. in my eyes she's just a run down, sick dog. never loyal, always barked at the sound of the wind. didn't learn new tricks, just stuck to the same old ones. years of patience, yet barely even toilet trained. we all learnt the games she could play. now sick of throwing the same ball for her to pick up and bring back again. this is stagnant, it is draining. i stopped thinking of her as an equal. i can't respect someone who can flip their switch and not care about anyone but themselves. stupid, waste of time. would have thrown her out earlier if i knew it would become like this.
grateful people are happy people.
i've heard this all my life. i am grateful. even for
silly things. when i forget to take my supplements and i get a heart palpitation later on in the day. i'm grateful for even this reminder. it's not just me and my head. there's a heart working hard for us too. i'm thankful. i'm so beyond thankful and yet still.
what's so beautiful about it. life just hurts
Ma, you set the standard too low. Now whenever he smiles at me i'm at his feet. i had to slowly set standards for myself. i became harder on others. he's nicer to me than you ever were. it's strange. I only got to learn this through him. Pa, he wasn't being overly nice. He was just being himself, but i applauded his every move. He's teaching me to have higher standards for myself and the people around me. I can be picky with him. He doesn't get mad like you both did. He actually listens and tries to do better by me. Isn't that crazy? I don't always have to be the one bending backwards. Sometimes i'm not wrong. But that's not how it was before. These past thoughts trickle in sometimes and i need to catch myself. The bar was so low. I didn't know i was raised to appreciate things that were below the bare minimum. it's almost like i deserve the same love i give. who would have thought.
there's this thin glass box. it let's every bad thing in and keeps it trapped inside. everything good bounces off and is reflected elsewhere. outside this glass box the world is so beautiful. it's full of every love imaginable. there's security, trust and even happiness. this glass box is so thin. it's so fragile. i keep trying to break out of it. i want to enjoy this world too. how did i get trapped inside? i ruminate over this thought until i reach an answer. it let's every bad thing in.