Status: interning...yay.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 month
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

you need food to focus
you need food to focus
you need food
i made it
You made it happen.
i just know im gonna make it
all this pain will wash away
i trust in You.
you always hide behind your self entrusted title of being "nice".
but no. it's never been true. it's a mask you keep only for you.
"you keep making this mistake!"
okay so why only bring it up in front of someone else?
you berate me and tell me it's not my fault.
you claim to be the nice guy but he has never made me fight back tears like you had today.
you can't make me look stupid and expect me to keep a smile.
you can't talk my ear off, drown me in your worries and expect me to stay happy.
when you're not there i try to defend you.
but you're still you.
fake nice and never a team player.
full of snide remarks and self indulgence.
keep telling me off and making me feel bad when i'm trying to help.
i'm sorry. for trying im sorry.
i can't have your back anymore. it's not fair on me.
i'll take kind over nice any day.
you're really a wolf in sheep's clothing.
i learnt it today. the hard way.

i tried my best.
i wish i could have done better.
i have always been trying the best i can
and in that moment i tried my best.

i showed up for myself
i tried to fight for myself
i could have done so much better looking back
it's so obvious to me now


i'll leave it to God.
the best trust to leave it to.

it's not working out


yeah look at the badge
tells you all you need to know.
yeah, ignore my attempts.
i guess health comes before common decency.

a clear explanation that falls on deaf ears.
the best person to speak to.
can i be that for you?
do i want to be that for you?

the hardest part is over,
i gave myself a chance.

yeah look at the badge.
just being here, i already know more than you.
that confused look on your face.
i could help.
i could hold the answers to it all.
guess you'll never know.
and a few months from now
the kind warm person that i can be for others,
i won't ever be that for you.
one day at a time.

my head hurts feeling like i'm sprinting in the same spot.
this headache from staying up late and for what?

tomorrow will i man up and practice what i learnt?

this insecurity, this uncertain, shakable feeling.
the annoying inflection that makes a statement
sound like a question. that awkward bead of sweat
that makes existing appear more difficult than it is.

all of it. slowly will dismantle.
bring it to a boil, melt it and
cast iron into the image of myself i longed to meet.

always so passionate when it came to her.
always so elusive when it came to responsibility.
silver hair and blazing eyes,
still you don't know the reason why.
you're a special kind of cruel.
i learnt it all from you.
i remember how i felt.
sore and out of place.
awkward and uncomfortable.
it was like a hot beam spotlight moment
yet also like i was in the background and didn't matter.

i remember how it felt.
younger me consoling myself.
telling myself it would be over soon.
promising myself i would never put myself in a similar situation ever again.

biting my lip just hurt me.
sweeping things under the rug just made me feel dirty.
keeping the peace always left me hurt.

keep your promise.
prioritise me.