Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 8 hours
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

When i know your thoughts through a single glance, 
what words are needed?
i can see your heart throb, flutter and shake
by the red on your cheeks.
your preferences have slowly become my preferences,
my secrets have slowly become yours.
when ego steps in and makes us part ways.
those times even, what more is there to say?
if my eyes have missed yours so much that tears well,
if i feel most pretty when you're kissing me,
if holding your hand when i'm anxious has become second nature
if the path to your house has somehow become mine...
What words are needed?  
accept me, love me, hold me. tell me words of encouragment. pretty phrases you've learnt along the way. let's cuddle, i'm especially sad tonight. simply being in the same room would be enough. just want to see you and hear that voice. i'm closing  my eyes to the sound of you. a long day is finally coming to an end. my anxious heart is finally settling down. small spoon, feeling protected and safe. sighs have become my normal breathing pattern, but with this long exhale my burdens are sent off one by one. i'm warmed by the touch of you. i think i can find the strength to go on. hanging onto precious nights like this, i think it will be more than enough. i say thank you and mumble small compliments. how handsome and kind you are. how tender and sweet you are. i'm drifting off to the thought of us being eternally like this. warm in every essence of the word. comfortable. content. dare i say it, even happy.
If i say it simply. If i set the tone right, so that you are not caught off guard.
If i could stand in front of you and have you listen to each word.
"I, these days.
I am tired."
Would these plain words be enough? Simple yet vague still.
Can you see me through for once? For once can you see through me?
Perhaps i was hurt because without knowing it, i had started to lean on you. at some point you were a comfort to me. a ghost of a person i could unload some of my burdens to. why did you have to make yourself so unlikeable? the invisible wall i leaned on vanished. now my heart is troubled, knees are scraped. in my eyes you're the enemy for hurting me. my mind protects me and makes you the enemy. the pain that swirls in every cell of my body. your name that must have offered comfort at some time. but now my heart sinks, eyes sting and mind becomes blank. i blame myself for not being enough for myself. i blame myself for not being able to depend on only myself. without knowing, i would lean on you. still when i see you...sometimes i feel a slight change. a small burden is lifted. i blame myself for these complex feelings. with family it's always complex feelings. sharing parents who favour you, but burden us both the same. i hated you but needed you and for that i'm burdened with these complex feelings.

bitter stage, shooting arrows at hearts i loved.
i got sensitive, that one hurt. so i'll sink lower too.
excuse...i guess you were a good excuse.
to keep me focussed and alive.
rather than an excuse, i guess you became
my reason to keep at it.
a handsome excuse was all i could come up with.
not hurtful? it's the sad truth.
you were enough for me at some point.
at some point you were more than enough.
once i've cooled off i'll continue to reassure
you that you will always be enough.

even at this parting, comforting you is a must.

You didn't know and i couldn't bring myself to tell you. Seeing you made my heart sink. I hated it all. Running into you by chance, the awkward small talk. You didn't know and for that i hated you. I was too afraid. For cowering away, i even hated myself. But still, if we run into eachother again... let's not greet eachother. Let's just not meet. I hated you. The expectations that preceeded the heartbreak. The careful and painfully thought out exchanges. The smile i put on whenever you made me nervous. I regret it all.
these are the head under water, struggling to get a word in times.
the waking up because that's what you gotta do times.
it's the keep the train going for as long as you can times.
the difficult but crucial times. the character building time.
the part where you wonder if it will always be like this.
the really hard part that they turn into a montage in movies,
cause no one enjoys those parts. but they still exist for everyone, i'm no exception.
people overcome it all and come out happier on the other side.
to that also i am no exception.
"Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change.
You'll spend your whole life singing the blues
if you keep thinking that way."
i thought of reasons to stay. i thought hard.
i landed on this thought; i could hear his voice for another day.
i could hear words he's strung together in ways he's never done before. he has a beautiful way of speaking. he always knows what to say. effortless conversation, anecdotes and that laugh. reasons to stay. to hear about what he did today. to see new pictures of his cat. to listen to music he loves. to watch movies he loves. to go to places he loves. to meet and listen some more. i'm not curious about much. i stick to the basics and take it all for what it is. but i'm curious about him. 

when the ache in my chest has subsided,
when that worried feeling finally goes away.
when i can wake up without feeling weighed down.
when i can feel ease and know contentment.
when happiness is enjoyed and no longer so fleeting.
when i can put this depression down.
when i can lock this anxiety away.
when food is just food and friends are just friends.
when work is passion and family is love.
surely then this ache would go away.