Status: interning...yay.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 month
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

i'm not sure what i'll do
i might regret it
but i'm growing old.
i can't dread the days i'm supposed to enjoy.
time with family is supposed to be
something i look forward to

i can't keep dreading the days
i'm supposed to enjoy.


            Papa is only human.
               he has been many things.
               my umberella, my cheerleader,
               my anger, my embarassment, my regret, 
               my first best friend  and my favourite.
                  but above all else
                            he is only human.
my anxious black dog

i think it will always be like this.
this tight, lurking, dreary, unsettling feeling.
this all encompassing, yet discrete, gnawing feeling.
this thing that is always with me.

i think it will just always be like this.
"what are you working towards,
what's your end goal?
saving up for a house or car?
marriage or for your family?"

it caught me off guard.

you asked questions i didn't have the answers to yet.
you asked questions that left me feeling stunned and teary eyed when you left.
what am i doing this all for.
why exactly am i trying so hard.
those thoughts took turns taking laps in my head ever since you asked.
"i never knew what game you were playing, but i always had to keep score. sometimes you were sensitive and critical. after the storm, the calm would come. in the form of reassurance and splendid gifts of adoration. a fight meant a cuddle later. my tears falling signposted to remorse and your apologies. there was this pattern with you. bitter then sweet. cold then hot. always keeping me on my toes, until i decided to stop."
sometimes in the face of adversity you crumble.
sometimes it takes too much out of you to remain strong.
sometimes your environment takes too much of a toll on you.

sometimes it's okay to not blame myself for things i can't control.
sometimes i can go easy on myself for wasting another day away.
sometimes i do just need to eat junk and binge watch dr who to make myself feel better.

sometimes a nap in the afternoon is warranted without the excuse of a hectic morning.
sometimes tough love isn't enough.
sometimes i need to parent myself in a way that i was not parented.

take it day by day.
that's what i've always done.
and it's the only thing that always worked.
fastest land animal

honey hit me where it hurts.
come on, make me feel like dirt.

you think i don't know while i know you do.
just say it ain't so and it'll all be good.

i've been thinking about it lately.
back when your cheeks would flush all rosie.

i think i've lost my touch
i think i'm going to have to change it up.

it's a new passcode,
now i don't answer when you call.
when exactly are you going to catch on?

i must have said sorry a hundred times.
i'm sorry for burdening you this much.
you won't have to put up with it much longer.
we joke around a lot and you forgave me each time.

i don't think i can forgive myself.
i don't think i can make it up to you.

just no more mistakes.
and no more second chances.

it really begs the question:
who did i think i was?
no. really, who?
here we are again.
trying to turn this fat to bone.
i forget each time the only thing that i lose.
f not friends then brain cells.

this crass carelessness.
this concentrated distraction.
this scatter brained sweaty nonsense.

i hate it all.
why can't i shrivel into bronze brute strength and endless wisdom.
why am i a dehydrated version of my worst self.

time keeps passing and i fall into the same cracks.
is stomach churning.
this hopelessness.

i've seen it all before.
i'm sick of myself but above all else im sick of disappointing you again.

today i'll let you win.
i'm far too exhausted.
thoughts of you and me have tired me out.

tomorrow i'll pick a fight.
i'll remind you of who i am.
tomorrow for sure i'll make it even.
i'll be extra immature, i won't use any reason.

since i'm so embarassingly smitten,

i must poke the bear.
i'll remind you of who i am.
i'm the one who rules your heart.

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