Dudu*

Status: interning...yay.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 day
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


i have a black dog. 


I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

i did try to be more aloof and colder.
but i think he just knew.
i was already wrapped around his finger.

i don't know what gave it away.
was it the star struck expression,
or the fact that i'd listen to every word he'd say?
humour me.

can you feel the desperation?
i think you're the best escape plan.
tall, dark and handsome;
yep that's my kind of man.

can you see the desperation?
i can play naughty or nice.
give me a part to play in the story of your life.
i can be distant or your doormat.
pull some strings, let me play the part.

do you hear the desperation?
come runaway with me.
you plus me...quite the equation.
come runaway with me.
i know the perfect destination.
just having coffee for breakfast,
he said it's not healthy.
But Papa, i'm stuffed from the harsh words you've fed me.

i feel so sorry yet so misunderstood.
i wish you loved me in the ways you never could.
my aching stomach. this nervous tension.
i hope you're not still sobbing in the kitchen.
my aching stomach. this nervous tension.
it'll die down and ramp up again.
it'll grow awkward and we'll speak again.
i'm sorry and so sad.
i pray you will still love me any way that you can.

i'm not going to break eye contact
i'll do as you say.
this burden on my shoulders,
just take it all away.
the consequences of my decisions are getting more scary.
i can change.
thank God for my health.
For you I almost ran myself
to the ground.

Just so you could
hold me.
then i ran to my safe space
and loved him harder.
the enemy of my enemy,
i call him my lover.
just know that i tried my best.
you think i'm heartless and cruel
but all these things you say
i learnt them all from both of you.
i was never the favourite kid.
i must have kept a strong streak in second place.

how could you both make me feel so great yet insignificant?
just know that for the longest time i was living for you.
grades, friendships, barbeques...somehow everything was to make you proud.
i was hanging onto every compliment,
why is it that i could keep count? 

when i drew the line. no, when you both forced me to build this wall, it was also for you.
how many things did i keep from you?
how many nights did i wish that you weren't my parents?
how embarassing at my big age i still feel stuck in this place.
just know that i was trying my best.
i didn't respond but still paid all your bills well before the due date.
if i was no longer the quiet kid who did well on their own,
then now i was the distant adult who you could still depend on.

it's so painfully superficial, my heart can't find rest.
you adored the others for merely existing yet scorned at me for failing tests.
i'm sorry for my past self who fought so hard.
surely i could forgive myself for throwing in the towel.
surely they won't notice i've given up on them now.
and you say that all the time.
i should be grateful.

rushing to help you before you even call.

i'll miss
you when you're gone
you sa
y that all the time.

we
ll my eyes sting and my throat feels like it's on fire.
my chest is tight and my narrow shoulders are heavy.
despite your grand
 promises; i'm still so lonely.

perhaps i'l
l miss it.
i'll pro
bably miss it.
but it'll be in so
me deluded, distant way. 
the way
that traumatic memories are buried in the mind and only the bearable ones linger.
with time i'm sure even those sad nights will glimmer.

so
you're right. i'm going to miss this.
some day, som
e how even this pain will glow.

 
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