Dudu*

Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 5 hours
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


i have a black dog. 


I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*


 
You take a step first and i follow.
if you stumble, i fall.
once you stand, i'm back on my feet.
it's subconscious. i mirror you. i saw myself in you.
i thought i didn't like me, but maybe i do.

 
 


Hello, hello, hello,
I want to be together Just the two of us
until morning comes.









Hello, hello, hello,

I want to love, You and me,
just the two of us.
without thinking,
I think about you.
 
- Without thinking : 2PM


 
you would be so surprised. i would get to you in time. before the moonlight fades and the new sun rises. before you can even take the first breath, i'd appear. you would be so surprised. looking for your secret place. if i took this turn and peer through this window, can i still see it? your cheeks, ears, nose, mouth. before this evening ends, i would see the look in your eyes. you would be so surprised. 
 
 

if i could see myself through your eyes, would i like myself more? would i be pretty? do i have kind eyes? in my eyes you're the most handsome. kind eyes and warm smile. am i a bit like that too? i don't know myself. i need you to tell me who i am. shape me into what you want me to be. i don't like me right now. i didn't like past me either. Paint me in such a way that even i like me. so we don't get sick of me. 

when you get sick of me-- no i have to get sick of you first. odd upper under hand ideology. why can't we be equals? why am i competitive in even love? it's just the two of us but i don't know anything else. i have to love you harder, get sick of you quicker. i get sick of people. is it normal? i'm already worried about you getting sick of me. it's stupid. it's not cute. when i'm sick of someone i stop caring. i stop making time, i stop playing nice. playing nice. even in my stream of consciousness this comes out. it's all acting, playing. my true feelings are coming out. i love you but even now i worry about who will fall out of love first. burdened and anxious over useless concerns. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it, i can't just burn it now. that's all i know. upper hand, under hand. insecure mess who needs you to feel important. if you don't like me anymore then i don't like me. it's dangerous. 
living the life of someone who's living for someone else. in an ever so slightly desperate way, you're all i hang around for. net under the tight rope. when i get off work and get in your car, do you know how i feel? it's like a thick layer of stress is immediatley stripped away. do you know how beautiful your smile is? i feel so reassured when you smile at me. i tell you all the time. if you smile at me while we're arguing, it's game over for me. i'm so hopelessly smitten. you know how i'm like. i'm not excitable at all. intimidating and unapproachable. the dark cloud that looms above me turns into cotton candy. i'm the giddy puppy love type when you're around. complete 180. wrapped around your fingers. not letting go anytime soon. tell me more about how your day went. i'm all ears, eyes and heart. so smitten, you must have cursed me or something. it's the only possible explaination.
i'll paint it for you in a decorated way. when i step outside this door, i become the other. don't ask for directions, i must not be from here. i smile when new eyes meet mine. gotta be friendly, but not too approachable. pump up the music in my earphones. just ignore them, i'm perfectly fine. is it hayfever or am i sad somewhere deep inside. doesn't matter, i have a busy day today. i distract myself with thoughts of you. i won't be other when i'm back with you. wind in my eyes, i blink it away. preoccupied with how i look on the outside. sometimes i think about what it would be like to have a shrink dissect my story. i know why i'm like this. but knowing doesn't make it easier to live with. i just look forward for the day to end. i've always been like this. everything but you is difficult. the rare times we fight, i feel like my world is ending. i'm independent in all aspects of my life, but i really like you. when you're unhappy with me, i hate myself. if you scowl, i want the world to swallow me up there and then. i should sort through this with someone. it must not be healthy. i'm so insecure when it comes to this. you dictate how i feel. it's not like you're bad, you're simply human too. i can't expect you to make me happy all the time. 
time is still flowing. as relentless as ever. we're both still here. i don't know where else to go so i always come back to you. time and time again. there's a bed there for me to sleep. a cutlery set and mug just for me too. you've slowly carved room in your life for me. when i tap on the front door ever so lightly, it caved in. i have a spare key now. it's interesting. over time i've gained a second home. i still feel some type of way about it all. like an imposter who's crossing some sort of boundry. sometimes it's home. sometime's it's outside of my comfort zone. same way with you. please smile at me more. i like compliments. i hate attention, but i like having yours. it's weird to me also. saying please. it's odd. like you have the upper hand. i have an inferiority complex. i'm working on it. sigh.
don't do it, it feels good in the moment. but the moments before and after aren't worth it. it's what's gotten you to this point. it's keeping you at this point. stop self sabotaging. don't give up on yourself.
my happy place.
she's renting out space in my happy place.
she doesn't even pay rent.
can't wait for her to leave.
one month she says.
i'm counting down the days.
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