Dudu*

Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 14 hours
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.


i have a black dog. 


I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

i feel you get to me sometimes. i block you out but you keep tapping on my window. you say you love me but it's always been conditional. if i let you in again, the cycle just repeats. keep tapping away. that's all you know anyway...and i can't blame you for that. but at the same time, i can't be empathetic this time. this isn't a small favour. i lost interest in being 'the good daughter' a while ago. if i was never your 1st place then what's the point of racking brownie points and bending over backwards to make you happy? you had my respect when i thought you knew best and only wanted the best for me. i still love you. a part of my heart is designated to you...i've tried removing it but it won't budge. the thing is that i love myself more. i have to love myself enough for the both of us. because you have other priorities. meanwhile i'm my only priority. i don't get the luxury of having a plan B. this isn't a small favour. you can't make me out to be the odd one. this is important to me. this is my life. when will you understand?
gentle bobbing up and down. vast and great ocean is at a calm. buoy is content. this doesn't come often or easily. enjoy this.
time never healed anything. I remained bitter for as long as I wanted to. if I did something with that time then it would have been that something that healed the wounds. time is just flowing. time doesn't care if i'm hurting or not. time is as selfish as i am.
i always automatically smiled when i was told a picture was being taken. so i don't know how i really felt when looking back at them.
can you make this a little better? take this burden and share it. lessen the load. domino effect won't happen if we lean on eachother. be someone i can depend on. give me a reason to respect you. 
it's the type of self confidence that comes from within. not the one built up through working hard and being kind. it's the type of self confidence that was nurtured in the arms of parents who saw no one else but you. when you were young, you saw the love they had for you in their eyes, you could even feel their love in the words they spoke. i'll always envy that. i got hugs too, but it wasn't the same. i don't know if i can accept it but i seek that love elsewhere now. i'll keep working hard...i'll keep trying to be nice. it's just a bit sad really. i emulated the parts of my parents i saw the most and added some parts i had made on my own. that in itself was not enough. i can't compete with a chronic disease. i can't compete with near death experiences that make you cherish them more. i can't compete. i should be glad that i can't compete. i should be glad that i'm healthy. i am glad. i'm glad. for being born healthy, i am glad. for being born healthy in this family, i am...so very glad lucky
in a slightly desperate way i want to get out of here. just for today, i don't want to be me. today i'm not a type A, stressed out workaholic. i'll call you over to play with me. let's pretend we have no commitments today. let's walk, drive around. just play with me. we'll be unreachable. holding hands, doing couple things. let's play around as time flows by. don't let me come back to my senses, when i say it's time to head back; make me stay an extra hour. i won't answer calls, i won't even look at my phone. let's just play.
it was said in a simple way;
when you're sad cry.
- like when you're happy and you can't help but laugh.
in the same way, when you're sad and it can't be helped, thoughtlessly wtih no restraint just as easily as you once laughed, you can cry too.
holding back a laugh never made the situation less funny anyways.
i like being alive. well i don't like like it but i'm doing it at least. it comes in waves. my feelings and thoughts they change like anyone elses. for a while i held myself up to an impossible standard. i didn't let myself cry. that changed when i couldn't go one day without crying. protip; if ur sad, just cry. you sleep a little better too. when my world was ending i thought i was so rational. i remember thinking to myself; everyday of your life is going to be this bad so what's the point. it's scary how level headed i thought i was. because it did make sense at the time. then every new day was as bad as the last. and even when i had an alright day -- it was just that, it was never good. it was just alright. the alright days were rare and i didn't see the point of living through the worst days just to feel alright. i'm better now. i'll probably have another slump soon, that's just how i am. but at least i know now. i can't trick myself into thinking i know how my life will be. if it's gonna be a long depressing life then i'll just have to wait and see how depressing that ish can get. i can't know for sure. just gotta do it. a soul was breathed into me, it's still breathing. this heart is still beating. i can't give up even one second before it does (otherwise that would be super depressing).
if it is you, then yes. i become a yes woman. yes i'm free to hang out. yes that movie sounds great. yes i would kill for an ice cream right now. yes that grey tie goes better than that blue one. yes you're being over dramatic. yes i can come over for family night. yes it's not a problem. yes, yes and did i mention...yes? Yes but you're gonna have to make this up to me. Yes but get me a coffee on the way. Yes i know you love me. Yes i'm the best, we've been over this. Yes, i know when to say no. but with you, there's only reasons to say yes. 
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