Dudu*

Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 1 week
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

 



I'm still learning new things about myself. I write when I can, I'm sorry for the spam, but not really.

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Quotes by Dudu*

side by side, we were standing. you are the shadow of my childhood. dark and behind me. at least i would like to keep you behind me. side by side, unavoidable. i wish you knew and were responsible for what you have done in the past. not just you, but what you represent. when i see you i just remember how it was back then. i don't know what grade i was in. I must have been around 10. we were good friends before, we were all close and so similar. then out of the blue, i wasn't fun to hang around with anymore. i don't know why you made me out to be the weird one. you were the centre of the group, you could have reversed it. i couldn't speak up for myself, i was too taken aback. a group of friends, people who made me look forward to going to saturday school had suddenly decided for me that i would from then on dread saturdays. this is from years ago, i am for the most part over it. the part i'm not over is the awkwardness between us. i'm not okay with being made the strange one. i was left alone and over the years everyone seems to have forgotten the part they played. "why are you so quiet? howcome you never hang out with us? it's been ages since we last saw you." that's the part i'm not over because it's still ongoing. idk if i'll ever get my closure. if they have forgotten then so be it. i can't control what happened. i want to hug my past self. tell her she didn't do anything wrong. friendship is God's test for you in this life. i've realised this now. it's okay. i can't say that it won't continue to hurt you, but if anything it hurts less often.
"No one's going to acknowledge you for your troubles."
"It's natural for limbs to malfunction with a rotten head." - He is psychometric.
i knew it would be hard. it has always been hard. i knew it would take long. i knew it would be like this. i almost regret having any optimism. false hopes. overqualified. underqualified. somewhere in between. overall not good enough. not what we're looking for. goodluck next time. we'll keep it on record, just in case. but at the end of the day it still comes back to not what we're looking for. overqualified. underqualified. "thank you"s in between. a bunch of "not successfuls" and "but"s. am i at the stage where it's still too early to give in? because i really want to. i'm qualified for more rejections and ego blows. unqualified for any good that could come beyond that. good intentions don't mean anything. sounds good or awful on paper. in person can't pull it off. masked in disadvantage. obstacles galore. i will overcome this all one day. i know. but it's always the right now that is hard. and one day is not my life. my life is right now and right now is hard.

i can't get you out of my head. every interaction with you sends a rush of warmth to my cheeks. when you smile at me, it's the best feeling.  i like it a lot. i still like you a lot.

i can't continue being so close to someone who makes me feel bad for no reason. who takes everything as an attack. i can only recall one scenario where i have benefitted. the majority is way too one sided. i hope when i'm on my own i can keep it together. i hope being apart will make us a lot healthier.
The anxious to even simply meet with friends pep talk; Maximum 2 hours. it'll be over in 2 hours. You'll have good food and be surrounded by the friends you are most comfortable with. Catch up and eat, nice warm rice and meats. I know we're a high strung type, always stressed out and anxious. But it's okay. I'm going to make myself a warm coffee now, get what i need to get done finished and have a fun night out with my friends. no need to be anxious. It will all work itself out in the best way possible.
I'll be happy over the simplest things. The sun shining, nice weather. My cat following me out into the backyard, patting him and hearing him purr. Endorphins from a workout. Slow and uncertain progress. A filling meal. A manageable workload. A tolerable environment. Ending the day in bed. Watching my favourite broadcast and bursting into fits of laughter. A long sleep, soft pillows, warm blankets. A roof over my head. I'll be happy over the things that matter. Simple yet crucial. I'll decide to be happy.
you deserve to be loved. incase no one has ever told you before. you deserve a hug with someone who cares about you as much as you care for them. you deserve to be someone's number one. you deserve comfort with a circle of people who genuinely cherish you. you deserve so many good things because you are good. as much as the world is filled with bad it is filled with good.
i still can't bring myself to forgive you.
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