Status: Uni...ew.
Joined: June 1, 2013
Last Seen: 2 days
user id: 361860
Gender: F

This turned into my diary somehow.

i have a black dog. 

I'm still learning new things about myself.  I'm sorry for the spam.

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Quotes by Dudu*

"Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change.
You'll spend your whole life singing the blues
if you keep thinking that way."
i thought of reasons to stay. i thought hard.
i landed on this thought; i could hear his voice for another day.
i could hear words he's strung together in ways he's never done before. he has a beautiful way of speaking. he always knows what to say. effortless conversation, anecdotes and that laugh. reasons to stay. to hear about what he did today. to see new pictures of his cat. to listen to music he loves. to watch movies he loves. to go to places he loves. to meet and listen some more. i'm not curious about much. i stick to the basics and take it all for what it is. but i'm curious about him. 

when the ache in my chest has subsided,
when that worried feeling finally goes away.
when i can wake up without feeling weighed down.
when i can feel ease and know contentment.
when happiness is enjoyed and no longer so fleeting.
when i can put this depression down.
when i can lock this anxiety away.
when food is just food and friends are just friends.
when work is passion and family is love.
surely then this ache would go away.
in this awkward silence,
i'm looking at you.
you're looking at me.
you didn't ask for much but
even this is difficult for me.
i am incapable and lacking.
any expectation is too high.
to myself and you, i am sorry.
you're just a blemish now. a stain that i'm working hard to remove. i keep scrubbing it away. like an old grease stain that can't let go.
i want you gone.
maybe it was difficult for me, i just didn't know it then.
i must have struggled. it must have been so hard.
i was doing so well, i just didn't realise it.
perhaps i was more hurt than i thought.
deep down i wanted you to congratulate me.
instead you said, "you've ruined yourself."
i blocked it out but thought about it over and over.
2 years on and i still think about it often.
things must have been really difficult for me then.
when it was all that made me happy,
when i was in that fragile state,
you didn't have to use those words.
you didn't actually have to congratulate me.
you didn't have to look at me like that.
when the stress of it all made my appetite wither away.
when old habits that brought sadness and loneliness consoled me.
i noticed a correlation between my intake and mood.
every time i became more proud and sensitive.
every word said, every look. it began to feel like an attack.
i numbed it away through sugar highs.
the ketone highs following after a few days of self-hatred. 
when endorphins were the only thing keeping me together.
loving what i was seeing yet ending each day on the verge of tears.
loneliness made everyone an enemy.
missing out on memories i'll never have because i couldn't accept myself.
i couldn't love myself yet, i had more work to do.
looking back at group photos without me, knowing what i was doing while they were taken.
everyone else was a distraction, a hurdle that needed to stop sabotaging me.
i didn't know it then. how scary habits are.
i guess i needed an excuse. when you watched me with careful eyes. the awkward, nervous tension.
the moment you told me i shouldn't leave anytime soon. i think that's when i decided. i wanted to 
leave when you needed me most. i wanted to be cruel. i had never wanted to runaway so bad.
"open the door, i'm here now.
why aren't you aware?
look, i'm wearing that shirt you bought me.
and i bought the flowers you like.
everything has returned to how it once was
but you're not here.
open your door."

- here i am ; yesung
those delicate words that felt like butterflies in your tummy,
i confess, for me they were a very heavy, very burdensome weight on my mind.
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