Loverbestrong

"Why do you push people away?" "You need to learn to stop pushing people away." " Why won't you let me in? I care about you"

These three questions, questions like them, phrases, demands like those aer the key to making me want to cut you out of my life.

See for me pushing people away and out of my life is sort of like a mental pattern that I've developed. I can't just stop. See when I was six years old I figured out that if I don't let people get close to me, when they leave, you don't get hurt and if you do look for someone to blame you get to blame yourself. I mentally can not believe that you "care" about me or want to protect me or want to get close to me. Because when I was six years old, the woman who gave birth to me, the one who is supposed to love and care for you no matter what, that woman, abandoned me and my siblings. She kept crying and saying she loved me and cared for me but yet she walked out. Walked out for two years, made a guest appearance for a few months, and fades in and out of my life for the past 10 years. This woman looked me straight in the eyes, could see the heart break and pain she was causing, and yet she chose to leave anyway. Also at this time my dad who "cared for me" "wanted to protect me" did some pretty shady stuff that he should have ended up in jail for. 
Ever since then friends, and family members both have walked into my life and gone out just as quick. I was confused and hurt. And then I realised it was because I let them get close to me, I shared personal things with them. Yet after all of that I still had the heart to believe that maybe one person someday would be different. 
But when you finally get to understand and realize whats actually going on, you realize that everyone does in fact leave. 

So im sorry I'm bracing myself for the impact of the pain thats going to be caused when you leave. I

Just because someone dresses in short shorts, or tank tops, or crop tops, or anything else, it doesn't mean that they don't respect themselves. 
It means Oh hey this is comfortable for me, I am comfortable with my body so yeah I'm going to wear it. 
This whole idea of "oh you're wearing short shorts? honey learn some self respect" is complete bull freaking crap. 
Do you even know what self respect means? It means pride and confidence in oneself. And the last time I checked, that definition did no where include
"Not wearing short shorts, tanktops, or bikinis"
If you don't like it, then don't wear it and don't look at me. 

Dear boy #1.
We made out three times. January first, March fifth, and April twelfth. First of all, I have had a crush on you since middle school. Even in middle school there was a rumor you were going to ask me out but then you got nervous and never did. Then we started working together, and every time you would talk to me I would get massive butterflies. Then we started hanging out and I guess I just kept falling harder and harder for you. So on January first, we were at a New Years Party and I was not having a good time because my cousin passed away the week before so I was about to leave. I went out to my friends car and you followed me out there. I did not ask you to do that. You did that yourself. You didn't want me to leave. You held me and wanted me to talk to you and that was the first time I admitted I liked you. You said you liked me too and then you kissed me. We went back inside and that was it. Never did anything about it after that. 
March fifth we were coming home from our friends and we just dropped off the other girl and you were taking me home, but you were also taking the long way. Then we started talking about us. About why we fell apart since middle school. Then you drove up to the side of my house. I was about to get out of the car but you asked me to stay. We started talking about our feelings for eachother and you made my heart melt. You held my hand and told me you wanted to be in a relationship with me but there were so many other factors you had to take into account. You told me I gave you butterflies and you liked me. Then I was babbling on about something and you took my face in your hand and told me to just kiss you so we did. Nothing ever happened after that either. 
April twelfth. We were all at your house and you and everyone else like usual were picking on me. So I decided to go downstairs and take a breather. But you just couldn't leave me alone now could you? You had to follow me, and tell me fine reject you five times. I was confused and then you just kissed me. In the midst of all that everyone came down and saw and my best friend, got extremely upset. After that she and I didn't talk, I stopped hanging out with you guys. And you and I just stopped talking. 
Yet here we are. You keep "flirting" with me. You keep texting me all these things. You keep pulling me back in, and then for one night I'll believe you like me and that I should try super hard to keep you in my life. But then you suddenly stop. I come out of my haze and I realise that what I've been doing is for the best. Because lets be honest for a minute. You never were planning to make me yours. You were saying all of those things to just get what you wanted. You were using me. And I didn't care. I didn't care because you were someone I liked and wanted. I thought maybe if you used me enough, you would eventually fall for me. But that hasn't happened. So tell me why I should even bother, keeping your name in my phone. Why should I bother even trying with you anymore. If you say Hi, I will respond with Hi. If you ask me how I'm doing I'll say fine. But I will NOT keep being fooled by you, or playing your little games. It's not fair that everyone else can move on from you, but when I say hey yeah I'm over you, you immedietley burst into tears and saying you're sorry and you don't want me to be over you, that I'm not allowed to not have feelings for you anymore. 
I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this so I can have a reset in my life. I want a new start. You are toxic and I'm finally kicking you out of my life.