NLN

I'm in a complete moment of weakness and i seem so pathetic but i don't care i'm like madly in love with my friend and everyday goes by the same where i wish he would magically ask me out and nothing happens and sometimes if i pay close attention i realize how needy and annoying i am and i amediately stop everything and go into this mode of irritation and annoyance i hate this i hate that i can't just go on like he does i hate that i have this strong passion for him and everytime i'm with him i just want to kiss him,hug him , or just have him hold me but i can't have that because i'm like a little sister to him and nothing more i can see how he looks at me and how for others he would give the world to but for me he loves to annoy me make me mad and just bother but never does he do something to make me happy or cheer me up when im sad i hate this ! 

It's so different between us now i feel like a bother like before and i hate it i can feel that i no longer mean anything to you again and i'm sorry for the annoying-ness i've caused you i guess i'll just go back to be quiet and looking from a distance i won't do anything for you to be bothered or mock me or just feel like complete udder crap whenever i do something ...i really am sorry that i love you and you don't feel the same i would do anything to take it all away :/ 

Its been one whole year today that i've lost a family friend. I can honestly say I miss her so much! and there hasn't been a day that I haven't missed her. I hope that you're resting in peace i love you Eli ♥ !

NEVER TRUST A MAN THAT DOES'NT DRINK BECAUSE A MAN THAT DRINKS WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING BUT A MAN THAT DONT LIES THROUGH HIS TEETH... -wisdom from my mother and grandmother  >.<

When i met you it was like love at first sight 
It was like  my heart was soaring wile through the sky 
Nothing else matter you were the perfect guy.

No matter what i said or did you loved me unconditionally
Thats when i realized i wanted you officially.

But i was too late the distance was hard and thats when your love for me fell apart
i felt my whole world crash down and everything was aching the pain was coming within my heart
i shouldve expected this from the start.

The numbness fills me everyday
i try to throw it all away.

I'm too deep now the darkness is sucking me in 
And now i know i just can't win. 

-came up with this the other day :P

You know they say everything happens for a reason but who gives a hell about what "they" say?
I mean honestly who are "they" and what reasons in life is good enough to make people feel worhtless or like dirt? and what reasons makies it okay for someone to go through life without someone (ANYONE) right by your side to know you're not alone ? Screw "them" and their stupid reasonings its just a bunch of crap.

I know that i say i'm fine and i act like i'm okay and happy again, but the truth is that none of that is true at all im still hurt and i don't really know if i'll recover because it's never going to be the same..i can feel it everytime we talk and it sucks cause i try to be strong and pretend to be happy so i can help you and support you but it never works i just selfishly want is to be yours again or for you to want to be mine.You told me that the love was gone or that it would be and you were right but it didnt leave me it left you and i cant blame you for it but now i just sit here numb and so lost not really knowing what to do next or why it really even matters because no matter how much i give its never returned theres always something telling me "you're not good enough" and im just so tired of hearing that or feeling it so I GIVE UP. i fought and i gave my all and i got nowhere im left with a broken heart and theres no cure for it so I QUIT. and i wish i had the guts to let you know all of this but i dont

In 2 days it will be 10 months since you've been gone .
i cried for about a week when i lost you 
then i stopped crying but you were still in my mind for at least a month
i figured maybe if i stopped thinking about you the pain would go away
but the pain doesnt go away its always there its just hidden and when it comes back out it hurts
it hurts so much,
i thought of you today because i watched something and it reminded me of you 
sometimes i wish it could've been me you were too precious to die so happy and you just got taken
i just wish you didnt have to go you had so much love and energy
and even if i dont think of you all the time doesnt mean i dont miss you or dont care 
it just means it hurts too much to think of it 
i love you eli and i miss you so much !
i hope you've been  resting in peace these past months ♥