SheDreamer
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Joined: March 10, 2012
Last Seen: 1 year
user id: 282597
Joined: March 10, 2012
Last Seen: 1 year
user id: 282597
94
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552 Favorites
38 Following
64 Followers
7 Comment Points
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Flair
552 Favorites
38 Following
64 Followers
7 Comment Points
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Flair
i'm the sort of girl made up of a million piece jigsaw puzzle. i have plain and downright ugly colors, but that only makes it easier for you to see the rainbow inside.
im not saying im the sort of girl that needs to be put back together as if she's broken, but i am saying im the sort of girl with a few pieces missing that tries to close up the hole because she's afraid the colors will leak out.
im the sort of girl that likes to inhale starfish and coral because that way, when i die someday, my inside will be beautiful.
im not the sort of girl that craves attention, but i am the sort of girl to take away the microphone and turn the lights off so i when i say something i want you all to hear.
im the sort of girl made of music held together by weeds growing in my cracked concrete exterior.
im the sort of girl who can either be your best friend or your worst enemy- provided you choose to push me away.
and we haven't even touched half my pieces yet...
im not saying im the sort of girl that needs to be put back together as if she's broken, but i am saying im the sort of girl with a few pieces missing that tries to close up the hole because she's afraid the colors will leak out.
im the sort of girl that likes to inhale starfish and coral because that way, when i die someday, my inside will be beautiful.
im not the sort of girl that craves attention, but i am the sort of girl to take away the microphone and turn the lights off so i when i say something i want you all to hear.
im the sort of girl made of music held together by weeds growing in my cracked concrete exterior.
im the sort of girl who can either be your best friend or your worst enemy- provided you choose to push me away.
and we haven't even touched half my pieces yet...
SheDreamer's Favorite Quotes
Glistening in the light like an iced champagne bottle was an ivory hilted knife, wrapped up in a hand; poised and dangerous. Twirling nimbly between digits, it slipped and turned, dancing a number in the air, cutting through the stifling blanket of hesitance; slice, retreat, spin, repeat. The magic was in the movement—haunting, seductive and addicting. The knife brought forth a language, one that spoke of dark threats and murder in the night, but also of hello and how do you do, have I caught your attention? Nothing but light, glittering metal— the color of heaven; the knife seemed innocent enough. But it had seen more bloodshed than the walls of a trauma center, thinly veiled with lies of painlessness and speed. I was not to be deceived.
Word Vomit
Still, the longer
I was around her, the more I could see
the colours of her mind and the recesses of her heart. There
was a beast in there. But there was also a girl who was afraid
of being a beast, and who wondered if other people had beasts
in their hearts too. There was strength, and there was also
just the determination to look strong. She guarded herself like
a secret.
“She is free in her wildness, she is a wanderess, a drop of free water. She knows nothing of borders and cares nothing for rules or customs. 'Time' for her isn’t something to fight against. Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water.”
― Roman Payne
21. My father is run over
by a car.
He is passed out in the road with a blood alcohol content 4 times the legal limit.
I do not cry.
Four months later,
The nurses lose his pulse,
And I wonder whose life
Flashed before his eyes.
Rewinding VHS tapes
Old home videos
20.
19. I haven't brought a friend home in four years.
18. My mother sips the word "divorce"
Her mouth curls at the taste
Like it burns going down.
17. I start doing homework at Starbucks.
I have more meaningful conversations with the barista
Than with my family
16. I wait for Christmas Eve.
My brother and I usually exchange gifts to one another early
This year, he
And my father exchange blows.
My mother doesn't go to mass.
15. I come up with the theory that my father started drinking again
Because maybe he found out I'm gay.
Like if he could make everything else blurry,
Maybe somehow I'd look straight.
15. My mother cleans up his vomit in the middle of the night
And cooks breakfast in the morning like she hasn't lost her appetite.
15. I blame myself.
15. My brother blames everyone else.
15. My mother blames the dog.
15. Super Bowl Sunday My father bursts through the door like an avalanche
Picking up speed and debris as he falls
Banisters, coffee tables, picture frames
Tumbling, stumbling.
I find his AA chip on the kitchen counter.
14. My father's been sober for 10, Maybe 11, years?
I just know We don't even think about it anymore.
13.
12.
11. Mom tells me Daddy's "meetings" are for AA.
She asks if I know what that means.
I don't.
I nod anyway.
10. My parents never drink wine at family gatherings.
All my other aunts and uncles do.
I get distracted by the TV and forget to ask why.
9.
8.
7.
6. I want to be Spider-Man.
Or my dad. They're kinda the same.
5.
4.
3. I have a nightmare
The recurring one about Ursula from The Little Mermaid
So I get up I waddle toward Mommy and Daddy's room,
Blankie in hand, I pause.
Daddy's standing in his underwear
Silhouetted by refrigerator light.
He raises a bottle To his lips.
2.
1.
0. When my mother was pregnant with me,
I wonder if she hoped,
As so many mothers do,
That her baby boy would grow up to be
Just like
His father.
He is passed out in the road with a blood alcohol content 4 times the legal limit.
I do not cry.
Four months later,
The nurses lose his pulse,
And I wonder whose life
Flashed before his eyes.
Rewinding VHS tapes
Old home videos
20.
19. I haven't brought a friend home in four years.
18. My mother sips the word "divorce"
Her mouth curls at the taste
Like it burns going down.
17. I start doing homework at Starbucks.
I have more meaningful conversations with the barista
Than with my family
16. I wait for Christmas Eve.
My brother and I usually exchange gifts to one another early
This year, he
And my father exchange blows.
My mother doesn't go to mass.
15. I come up with the theory that my father started drinking again
Because maybe he found out I'm gay.
Like if he could make everything else blurry,
Maybe somehow I'd look straight.
15. My mother cleans up his vomit in the middle of the night
And cooks breakfast in the morning like she hasn't lost her appetite.
15. I blame myself.
15. My brother blames everyone else.
15. My mother blames the dog.
15. Super Bowl Sunday My father bursts through the door like an avalanche
Picking up speed and debris as he falls
Banisters, coffee tables, picture frames
Tumbling, stumbling.
I find his AA chip on the kitchen counter.
14. My father's been sober for 10, Maybe 11, years?
I just know We don't even think about it anymore.
13.
12.
11. Mom tells me Daddy's "meetings" are for AA.
She asks if I know what that means.
I don't.
I nod anyway.
10. My parents never drink wine at family gatherings.
All my other aunts and uncles do.
I get distracted by the TV and forget to ask why.
9.
8.
7.
6. I want to be Spider-Man.
Or my dad. They're kinda the same.
5.
4.
3. I have a nightmare
The recurring one about Ursula from The Little Mermaid
So I get up I waddle toward Mommy and Daddy's room,
Blankie in hand, I pause.
Daddy's standing in his underwear
Silhouetted by refrigerator light.
He raises a bottle To his lips.
2.
1.
0. When my mother was pregnant with me,
I wonder if she hoped,
As so many mothers do,
That her baby boy would grow up to be
Just like
His father.
I see the sun shining in the sky, people around me being happy and
I have every reason to be happy. Yet my heart feels like it is
being swallowed by darkness and over-run by fear and anger. Why? I
have no reason to be this way. Perhaps it is because I have hurt so
many and helped so few, or that I have been so self centered and
cared not for anyone but those I felt were like me; alone, unloved,
unwanted and need somewhere to go. I help who ever I can and yet I
hurt so many more. I hate myself for this, and for the fact that no
matter how much I try to make things right things get worse. I want
only one thing: forgiveness for what I have done, the pain I have
caused, the hearts I have broken and the horrible things I have yet
to do in life. I deserve no forgiveness and know that I will not
be. I feel my heart growing colder but to all those I have hurt I
will absorb all your emotional pain, after all I am the reason for
most of it...
"Help.
Me", he whispered. He
didn't mean to whisper but there was too much pain in his
heart to cry out for life's mercy. The Fiats are cruel to any
man clinging to life, still looking for a reason to live
it. "Please. Someone.
Anyone. Please help me." His whispers became more and more faint, almost
as if he couldn't keep down the blood that he was trying to
swallow. No one was there for him (as always). It seemed as if
whenever he wanted someone they were there, yet whenever he
NEEDED them, he was alone. Poor, cruel fiat. "Please", and still with no reply, tears of red began to roll down his face and splash onto
the ivory floor...
I am sorry I have failed you. I am sorry I broke my promises. But
most of all, I am sorry that I have to suffer for you and everyone
and never say a word.
I never needed to say this before,
but I am in so much pain! I have been silent about it for the past year
and I need a way out of it! Please just make it end! I need my life back! The
stress I have to carry for my friends, my family, for the woman I love and my
own problems; and now I am
finally breaking down! I feel so alone and I can't stand it
any more! Someone help
me!
College Has Taught Me:
*Never take a sip of water out of an open water bottle without smelling it first.
*Drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink you consume = no hangover.
*NEVER take 8 am classes. Impossible to physically function.
*It doesn't matter how much sleep you get. You're always tired.
*Always nap when you have the chance.
*People are kind and respectful, and for the most part accepting of everyone.
*It's totally normal to sit by yourself in the dining hall.
*There are always going to be people who are smarter than you, & that's ok. Be friends with them.
*If you do something stupid, chances are people will forget about it within a few days.
*If you have an awkward hook up with someone, don't be suprised if you see them around campus. At some point you will. I promise.
*That I love it so much better here than I do at home.
*There are hot and attractive people everywhere you go. Especially the gym.
*The freshman 15 is SO REAL. Eat healthy and workout!
*There is NOT as much drama in college as there is in high school. Point blank.
*You will feel pressured to drink and smoke, but don't feel like you HAVE to.
*High school didn't prepare me at all.
*You really do make amazing friends that last.
*One of the best experiences you'll ever have.
UMass Amherst '17
