SpoonfulOfSugar

                I am walking around the mall when in front of the music store, I see Justin.  He is sitting at a table with two of his friends, Joe and Mark, watching their other friends Ben and Matt in the window of the music store jam out on an electric guitar and bass.  I can tell both of them haven’t gotten any better in the two months I haven’t seen them.
                My heart skips a beat when I see Justin, and before I can think, my body acts, and I’m sitting behind him on a chair with my arms around his strong shoulders and my chin resting on top of his shoulder.
                “Hi,” I say.  I realize how much I missed feeling his strong body under mine, the ripple of his muscles, and the way he sat and showed me how much he loved me.  He’s not relaxed now; in fact he’s tense with the stranger on his back.
                “Who-?” he turns around and catches sight of my face.  “Laura.  What are you doing here?”
                “Aren’t I allowed to hang out at the mall?” I respond, trying to be confident.
                “Yeah… I guess I wasn’t expecting to have your arms around me again, I guess.” I choose not to respond to this comment because I don’t know what to say.
                “Justin,” I say, just to say it, trying to make it like it used to be.  He turns his face to meet mine over his shoulder.  I lean in for a kiss, but when he realizes the close proximity of my mouth and his, he quickly looks away, leaving me wanting him more.  “I miss you, J.”
               “Not right now, Laura.  This isn’t the time or the place,” he tells me.  He pries my arms off of him and I scoot around to the side of him.
               “Justin, I’m sorry,” I say.
               “I just said it’s not the time,” he replies, not looking at me.
               “There is no ‘right time’ to talk about this.  We need to talk now.  Now turn your chair towards me.  We have to work this out.  How we left this, how we left ‘us’ wasn’t okay,” I tell him.  I try to pull his chair towards me, but I can’t because my arms are too weak.
               “I don’t want to, right now,” he says.
              “We need to.” I look him in the eyes and try to tell him it’ll be alright.  I can see the pain in his eyes that I caused.
               He slowly turns his chair towards mine, and he looks me in the eyes.  I scoot close enough so we are touching knees and I grab his hands.
               “Don’t worry, J.  I’m not going to hurt you,” I try to calm him down, but I can see I didn’t help.  He doesn’t trust me, and he has good reason not to.
               “What is this talk about?” he asks nervously.
                “This is about what we used to be.  This is what we do in my family to work things out.  When we’re not yelling of course,” I say, trying to lighten the mood, but he doesn’t smile or even acknowledge my funny joke.  “We start by saying what the other did to make each other mad or angry or frustrated.  Want to go first?”
                “How about you go first so I know what’s happening?” he suggests.  He just wants to avoid this talk.
                “You made me frustrated when I thought I felt you pulling away.  It was killing me that you only talked about that other girl.  I just wanted you because… I have never felt this way before, and I was angry that you weren’t showing that back.  And it really hurt, Justin.” I’m starting to tear up and I can’t help it.  Dammit.  There’s no way to stop the tears now.  “It really hurt because I loved you, in fact, I still love you.”
               I can’t look him in the eye, but I can tell he gets it because he squeezes my hands.
              “I–” His voice cracks.  He clears his throat.  “I was frustrated when you only said that you loved me twice.  I felt as if you didn’t respect me after those 6 months and I didn’t get it.  I started talking about that girl to make you jealous.  Honestly, she’s and awful, dirty, bitchy hoe trying to get me in her pants.  And I was frustrated, but I wanted you to be jealous.  And I am so sorry, because I love you too.  You are the most incredible person I’ve ever met.  I love you so much and I think that’s what scared me- how much I cared about you.” He is crying now too, and won’t look me in the eyes.
               “Now we apologize for everything we did,” I say quietly. “I’ll go first.  Justin, I’m sorry for shying away from you.  Every day since our last, it haunted me that I hadn’t said ‘I love you’ more.  I never wanted you to be afraid.  I am so sorry.  And I hope you’ll forgive me.”
              “I’m sorry for talking about her and making you jealous.  I missed you so much,” he replies.  We stand up and hug and I realize how true his last statement was.  I missed him so much.  I missed feeling his arms around me, keeping me safe.  He is always so gentle and caring, but yet I can tell exactly how he feels and what he wants just from a look or the way he touches me.  I can tell how much the last two months hurt him through his hug.  It’s tight and he buried his face him my shoulder.  I don’t want to let him go, but I start to think of what we look like, standing in the middle of a mall crying and holding each other like we’re never going to see each other again.  I finally pull away a little bit and gently press my lips to his, and feel the sparks, like the first time me kissed.

help.                                     
I can’t see
it hurts so badly
my world is falling down in shreds
                around my head.
 
it is killing me slowly
                eat away at me
                                tearing out my humanity
until all I feel is
 
                                                nothing
 
wishing to sleep
and never wake up
 
wishing a thought would come through
wishing someone would call
 
wake up!
                wake up!
 
but no call comes
 
lost
 
                stranded
 
                                helpless
 
                                                alone
 
                afraid
 
ALONE
 
trying
struggling
 
cutting?
what’s that
 
one scrape
 
                two scratch
 
                                try to feel something
 
three bloody scratches
-what’s that on your ankle
                your hip
                                your arm
 
what does that say?
 
my arm flys to cover the space
between my hand and my elbow
 
                but for some reason
 
even my hand isn’t big enough to hide the pain
 
tears
cuts
blood


one scratch
                somebody save me
 
                two scratch
                                see past my smile and into my eyes
                                you’ll see the pain there
 
                                three scratch
                                                I just want to feel something
 
                                                                anything.
see past that smile
 
SEE me
don’t just look at me because it doesn’t count
 
somebody notice
 
somebody care
 
somebody help me
 
before
                     i
                                break