Before you self harm in any way, you should probably know what
you’re getting into. Before you make that cut, please keep in
mind that you will find the pain release and blood strangely
addictive. You may think to yourself that you’ll be able to
control it, that you won’t let it get out of hand. You may think
that you can just stick to a few small, shallow cuts here and there
that won’t be deep and that will heal quickly and easily. But
you’re wrong. You can’t control it, it’s impossible to
control. It controls you. It’s an addiction. The cuts will get
deeper, they’ll scar. They’ll take weeks to months to heal and
years for the scars to actually begin to fade. You’ll find that
soon, you depend on it. You can’t go more than a few days without
cutting. You’ll go crazy as your skin itches and burns, your
hands shake, your head pounds, your vision goes blurry as you try
to keep your mind off of it, try to hold back from giving in. But
you will. If you think you can limit the cuts to just one area of
your body, you better think again. It’ll spread slowly but
steadily, like a deadly virus. It’ll spread as you run out of
skin, from your wrists to arms, past your elbows, up your shoulders
down to your stomach, across your hips and waist and soon will
cover your every inch of your legs right down to your ankles. I
hope you’re prepared to withdraw from others and live in a
constant state of shame and guilt. Even if you have been the most
honest person to ever live, you will lie to your friends, family
members, everyone around you who you care about. You’ll find
yourself jerking back from the touch of someone, as if their
fingers and hands have been bathed in a toxic, burning poison.
You’ll be terrified that they will feel a scar or cut from
beneath the fabric of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so
much to simply be touched. Be prepared to become your own worst
enemy. You’ll fear yourself, your head, the urges that taunt you
every minute of every day. You’ll come to fear the next time you
cut because you don’t know how bad it’ll be. Wait for the 10
cuts to turn into 20 then 50 then 100. You’ll be covered in scars
and cuts. Your entire life will begin to revolve around your
addiction. You’ll constantly be thinking about cutting, covering
up your cuts, how you’ll hide your blades, scissors, bobby pins
and the other objects you use to destroy your body. And then..the
first time that you cut “too deep.” The bleeding won’t stop
and you’re gasping, shaking, panicking, fear takes over you. You
pray and hope that the bleeding will stop. Your purpose wasn’t to
die, you won’t ever go that deep again. Right? Wrong. You’ll go
there again, and deeper. But don’t worry. You’ll learn how to
take care of your cuts so you don’t have to take a trip to the
hospital every night. The better you get at treating your wounds,
the worse they become. You’ll lie to yourself and try to justify
it when you go to the pharmacy and drug store, finding yourself
spending 20, 30, 40 dollars on dressings, gauze, alcohol wipes and
sterile strips. You’ll tap your foot impatiently, hoping that no
one stares and asks you why you’re buying all of these things.
But at the same time..you hope someone asks, so you know they care.
Be prepared to spend even more money on an entire new wardrobe.
Long sleeved shirts, hoodies, long pants, boots, bracelets,
wristbands. The list goes on forever. You’ll keep scanning other
people’s bodies for signs of self harm, hoping that there is
someone else out there who feels the same way you do. Hoping,
praying that they will be like you. But that will never happen.
You’ll see clean, uncut, unmarred arms and feel even more alone
and ashamed than before. You’ll do a lot of things alone, be
prepared to kiss your social life goodbye. You’ll always be doing
your laundry, always in private so no one sees the blood stained
towels and clothes. You’ll be spending hours scrubbing blood from
the bathroom floor, and wiping dried blood off of your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it a day without cutting. You’ll
carry an emergency kit in your wallet or purse. A key, safety pin,
a needle, a paperclip, even a pencil. Everything around you will
become a weapon. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it
gives you that feeling that sends you reeling. Say goodbye to all
of the things you took for granted. Shorts, sandals, tank tops,
swimming in the summer, going to the beach. All of these things
will be a far off memory. You will become an expert on your body as
you carefully destroy it, taking it apart piece by piece. You will
dream of cutting, dreaming of getting caught. It will haunt you day
and night, in your dreams and when you are awake. Cutting will take
over your life. It now has it’s hold over you, it controls you.
You’ll hate yourself, hate yourself for making that first cut
that threw you into this vicious, neverending cycle. You’ll wish
you never made that first cut. You’ll wish you had read something
like this, or that someone had told you what would happen. but as
much as you hate your addiction and self harm, you love it and
can’t live without it. You’d rather die than go just a few
weeks without cutting.