WhenAllElseFails

I had a dream once that I was flirting with Leonardo DiCaprio and I said "What's your sign?" 
and he said "DiCapricorn" and I laughed so hard I woke up. 

When I was little I learned what schizophrenia was from TV
and for a while I was really afraid because I thought I had it since I 
always heard my own voice in my head so I finally told a doctor and
he infromed me that what I was experiencing was called thinking. 

Me: Magic Conch Shell, should I start my homework?
Magic Conch Shell: No
Me: The conch has spoken

me: hi i'd like to order sweet and sour chicken, some vegetable frie-
chinese restaraunt: do u want egg roll
me: i didn't even finish my order
chinese restaraunt: *to the chef* zhīfáng mêiguó xīwáng dán juān
me: what

Waitress: Hi, I'm Eva, and I'll be taking care of you all tonight!
Waitress: *walks over to another table* Hi, I'm Eva, and I'll be taking care of you all tonight!
Me: I thought what we had was special

Me: I'm tired.
Friend: What's new

One time, when I was like 7,
this kid had a really huge crush
on me and drew me all these
strange looking box people
and he asked me out but
remember I had a 7 year old
mind so I didn't really know 
what to do so I did what I do
best and cordially wrote him 
a letter that said "I don't really
like like you all that much, and
now I guess I don't know 
what to say, so here is a picture
of an elephant instead"
and do you know what I did?
I drew the kid a giraffe.

How do you screw up a giraffe and an elephant I mean come on