I'm not writing this for any of you. Im writing this for me.
I need to let this out. I wanted to say this to everyone i'm
close to, but I couldn't, Because
theres no one I can tell who won't have an opinion. Except
witty. Because telling witty a secret is like telling the world,
but still, no one even hears you. And thats the greatest thing of
all.
I miss my mom. I miss having my mom around all the time. I hate
being mad at her. I love her to death. I was mad and I was set on
not seeing her at all. But now, just a week later, I just miss
her. I've gone weeks without seeing her. And it didnt really
bother me then. But it is now. I dont exactly know why. I get
jealous. Really jealous of my step sisters realtionship with her
mom. I see them talking about something privately and I
automatically get jealous. I like talking to my mom. I want to
talk to my mom. But her mom is not my mom. Jealousy leads to
hate. And I hate the fact that I know I hate my step mom and step
sister because of their relationship. That's not the only
reason i hate them, it just contributes to it. I have a
relationship like that with my mom, sometimes. But its a bit more
complicated. I dont live with her. Thats a problem. But I cant
live with her. It was too difficult. The problems that we had
were not something either of us should have to deal with. And I
loved living with my dad. But the little things that bugged me
became huge problems. Huge problems that affect my grades in
school. And not okay with that. I can't live with my dad
anynmore. Its far worse than living with my mom. But I dont want
to go back into that enviorment either. But I miss her. And I
want to live with her. I can if I want. But I dont want. And yet
I do. If I live with my mom I won't ever feel welcome in my
dads house again. They all hate my mom. And when I see her and
actuallly have a good time, I get a lot of nasty things said to
me. I can't live with that. But part of my thinks that it
would all be worth it. I need my mom around me. I need my mom,
whos willing to go get me tylenol at 11 pm. My step mom wouldnt
do that. She'd say just wait until morning. Go back to sleep.
You'll be fine. But if her daughter asked, shed be out there
getting her something. I need my mom. I need her to be there for
me ike that. She's the type of person that would take me out
for ice cream in the middle of the night just because we felt
like it. I really need her. And I dont know what to do. I
don't know where to go. Its not healthy for me to live with
either of them. I just want to be in a neutral place. Where I get
to decide when I see who. Because then my mom can't get mad
that I'd rather spend christmas with my dad, And my dad wont
have to go through my mom to figure things out. They wont have to
interact with each other. they'll go to me. And everything
will calm down. and there will be less fighting. And my step
sister cant get mad at me for choosing my mom over her. I need
that place. And I dont want to have to wait until I graduate high
school to find it. I dont want another 2 1/2 years of this.
I'm done. And I just want my mom back in my
life.