(Let
me just vent for a while, okay?)
I'm not starving, I'm not
struggling with suicidal thoughts, and I don't have a
terminal disease. The closest thing I have to a concerning
problem is my extremely low self-esteem and my distorted
family.
But still, I feel that
I've been having a tough life lately.
And
nobody even cares.
Ever since this year begun, I've done nothing but wake up, go
to school, do homework, and sleep for five hours a day feeling
stressed because of school. You'd think that all that hard
work would pay off, right? Well, no. Even after working hard for
it, I've done badly in two events I've participated in.
Even though it's not my fault, my teachers make sure I know
I'm the one who sucked. Plus, all those losses have a toll in
my self-esteem.
I've learned that my best friend is not a true friend.
Because of what happened, not only do I feel uglier, but I feel
useless and stupid. Now I wonder if my other friends are true
ones, too.
I used to be doing well in my diet. I'd lost twenty-five
pounds. But now, I guess due to anxiety, I've been eating
like a pig. At the end of the day, I'm too mentally exhausted
to even lift a foot and burn a calorie, so I guess I'll soon
be putting it back on. If I haven't now. I don't even
want to look at the scale.
My family is a whirl of trouble. I discovered my dad cheating on
my mom. Then my dad recently died, all of my family members
don't care about me, my grandma died, my other grandparents
(whom I currently live with) only keep fighting, and make me feel
depressed. My mother doesn't support me in anything, even
though I know she has no bad intentions. She has currently become
part of some crazy religion, and that's just made me feel
even worse, since she wants to shove down my throat her
beliefs.
My teachers are the most unsupportive. I have always been a 90+
student, but this quarter I got two 70's and 80's, even
when I worked hard. My teachers seem to not see that, and only
make me feel bad. They can't even explain a class well, and I
feel so stupid, not understanding anything. All they can do is
make sure that you are the reason you suck.
Nothing ever motivates me now. I used to love writing, but I
can't anymore. I feel too exhausted to start, and I feel as
if anything I start will lead to nothing.
I've been falling down the same hole from before that I
thought I'd forgotten.
I've learned that hard work doesn't pay off.
I feel as if my life will lead to nowhere.
I'm so close to graduating (just a year away!), and I feel as
if I'm wasting my youth... I feel as if this is the only
moment I can be happy.
And I'm scared of life.
I'm scared that everything will just go from bad to worse,
and that I'll never be satisfied.
And I'm sorry for being unthankful, because I know I'm
blessed, and that everybody has hardships too. But I just
can't suck it up like I did before this year...
There's still 1% hope that
I'll be happy once again.
But I feel it'll quickly
disappear.