_LoveSuicidexo

Status: <3
Joined: October 16, 2011
Last Seen: 8 years
user id: 227768
Hey guys(: 

My name's Rebecca.
Born 27th, August, 1995
Currently taken
3/5/12

I live in a town filled with trees and winding roads and quiet people.
I belong among delicious city lights where I can dance through
the labyrinth of crosswalks and listen to music, watch stars,
and linger inside the soft touch of my boyfriends arms. 

In my life, I have been in many battles,
though I do not wish to share the insignificant details.

Some random little things I don't mind sharing:
I absolutely love reading and writing.
I love music; but not just any music.
I love music that can convey a message and a meaning.
Some lyrics or even a guitar chord that can be so catchy and inspiring. 
I notice things that other people usually forget. 
I've been writing music and novels ever since I knew how to hold a pencil.
If you saw me lingering alone in the streets, you'd probably question
what could be going through my mind.

Don't be afraid to ask me.
I'm no longer afraid to show it.

Follow me and I'll follow back(:

 

Quotes by _LoveSuicidexo


I just remembered

I was supposed to get test results back from doctors

6 months ago

and I never did.

So either something's wrong

and they're still trying to figure it out,

they forgot about it completely,

or they haven't found anything wrong yet.

 
No one can know.
Not anybody.
I don't care
I'm crying
I don't care
I'm dying
I don't care
I'm losing myself again
I don't care
I'm done trying
I don't care

Read between the lines.
Everything's just too


B
       R
               O
   K
           E
                  N

to fix


My 16 Resolutions for 2012:
The ones crossed off are one's I've accomplished
 

1. Get a semester of A's and B's.
2. Feel good about myself.
3. Buy a car.
4. Get my license.
5. No more depression. Be happy!
6. No more cutting/throwing up.
7. Get a job in a restaurant or something that relates to cooking.
8. Get accepted into a College
9. Find myself, even if that means finding myself alone.
10. FORGET.
11. Learn how to handle my disorder & learn how to be ok with it.
12. Speak my mind--openly.
13. Read the bible.
14. Don't worry about everyone's problems before myself. Stop botteling up those emotions because I matter too.  
15. Don't bite my tounge and sacrifice my own feelings to prevent hurting other people. The most important relationships I have are with my friends and family, which will remain my #1 focus.

16. Be the best friend, sister, daughter, aunt & person I could be. Continue doing what I love to do, and forget about the people who could care less. 
I care. My friends care. My family cares. And that's all that matters.


I'm quite proud for getting all of this done and I'm excited to write 17 more :)

You know it's bad when
you can feel your heart beating,
but you're suffocating,
ever so slowly your breath is shrinking, 
and your will power to get it back

is evaporating with it. 
You know it's bad when
you know it's not your fault, 
but you still hold a grudge over yourself.
You still look at the life you created 
and it pains you. 
You know it's bad when 
you scream,
but no one can hear you. 
No one will hear you until it's far too late.

no one

will ever care enough to ask if I need help.

 
I am not a real person.
I am an outer-shell wrapped around a mind that wants to be separate.
I am skin and fat and blood and dust.
I am thoughts and decisions that no one understands.
I am impulses and overwhelming needs.
I am an outer-shell stuck in bed for hours and hours unable to move.
I am a monster snuggled in the corner of my brain.
I am fragile glass waiting to break.
I am a burden, disordered, skin and dust taking up space. I am nothing.

I am a bird in a cage that wants nothing more to be set free.
I am a string that's been tangled into a crazy,
messed up ball that wishes to consume me.
I am a outer-shell, hard as a rock.
On the inside, I am exploding.
I am nothing.
I have been manipulated into the trick of the night.
Darkness is all I see.
Can't this feeling just get out of my mind?
What will it take to get the feelings gone?
What do I do to control myself?
I am numb.
I am the bitter-sweetness of the first snowfall in winter.
I am the cold biting at your cheeks.
I am the hunger twisting inside your stomach.
I am everything; and nothing.
I can't think or speak...I can't even breathe. 
It's like I'm brainwashed.
The voices in my head have lost hope in me.
I'm lost.
So lost.
And all I want is Dan to hold me.
I am not a real person.
I am an outer-shell wrapped around a mind that wants to be seperate.
I am skin and fat and blood and dust.
I am thoughts and decisions that no one understands.
I am impulses and overwhelming needs.
I am an outer-shell stuck in bed for hours and hours unable to move.
I am a monster snuggled in the corner of my brain.
I am fragile glass waiting to break.
I am a burden, disordered, skin and dust taking up space.
I am an outer-shell.
And I am nothing.
Ask me if I'm okay and I won't have anything to say.
I'm just a lost soul with good intentions, 
I dont know what to do anymore,
I’m drowning in obligations
and i just want to be happy but apparently other things are more important.
E
verything is just exhausting.
I just want to leave the world that I know
and visit a world where I can be seen,
one where I can be happy and I won't think anything of the concept.
I just want to be in Dan's arms.
I want to feel his warm love.
I want to feel his breath in my ear saying I love you
and I want to hear his heart beating under his chest.
I want to be okay.
I want to feel okay.
And I can only do that with him.
I can only forget the horrors when I'm with him.
I want nothing more for it to be spring.
I want nothing more than him.
Here.
Now.
It's like I will never understand my life
or feel anything until I hear his voice and see his face again.
He is my everything.
Without him...
I am an outer-shell.
I am nothing.
So...
I found a suicide note I wrote when I was younger. 
It's so horrible.
It makes me want to cry. 
At the end it reads:


Just know that I never stopped loving any of you. I just stopped loving myself. 
Wish you all the best. 

I don't know what to say but this terrifies me. 
I'm not sorry it was ever written.




 
My boyfriend and I
have been together for nearly 6 months. 
Even though he's 16,132 miles away, 
and we only get to talk
for an hour on Skype once
or maybe twice a week, 
we still make it work. 
And in 187 days, we will be together. 
I love my Australian Boyfriend.
& he loves his American Girlfriend. 
That's all that matters.