aliceVII

i used to think.. 
how to they do it to themselves ?
it would only hurt. and who would want that.
you could end your life by doing it. 
but once i picked up a razor.
i then knew...

                             sometimes all you need is a
taylor swift fix , ♥
 

that's very kind of you to say you dont like me...
it means a lot, coming from my own 
m o t h e r . 
it hurts. you know. 
but you've put me thought so much sh't that...
i dont care anymore// 

chapter 2.

Great, the bus has arrived at school. Abbie is pulling me off the seat, she knows that I don't want to be here but she still makes me.
“Zoey, come on!” Abbie yells at me while yanking on my blazer.
The bus driver says to Abbie and I, “Come on girls, I have to go pick up other students.”
Abbie starts running to the classroom and I think to myself, 'Someone is eager to get to class.' I decide not to run after her because people might look at me and think I'm a bit of a fruit loop; I have my school bad and a sports bag hanging off my shoulder. It would look werid. I look around and it feels as if everyone is starting at me. I am told that its just what I imagine and that they really arnt looking at me. (I still think people stare). I keep walking, trying to ignore everyone. As I look ahead I see your new girlfriend, she looks so happy. Probably because she has you. She is standing there looking at me as if everything is okay. We used to be so close, but we have drifted apart over the years. Sometimes I do miss her, but other times im glad were no longer friends.
She turns around to her friend, they both laugh and look at me. I start to panic, there are conversations going on in my head. 'What are they saying?', 'Is it about me?', 'Is there something wrong with my hair?' All these things go rushing to my head, I stop suddenly. I didn't tell my brain to stop, 'What are you doing?!' My mind is fighting with itself. I start to walk again, what just happened? Why did I just stop?
I shake my head coming back into reality as I walk into the warm and cozy classroom. Abbie is putting her bags away and getting her things out for the day. I look around, hoping your not in here. I had looked everywhere to then realise you were standing behind me. Oops. “Sorry, uhm . I-ahh. Sorry, I'll move, “ I stutter to you. It's embarrassing, I need to get use to talking to you without getting caught on words.
“It's okay, you weren't standing there that long.” You reply to me. My heart just dropped, your voice is perfect. The way the words just flow out of your mouth as if it's normal and you don't even have to think about what your saying, it just comes out. I can't help but look into your eyes, they are like crystal balls. It's ovbious that I'm thinking about you and having conversations in my head with myself. Your looking at me funny, do you think I'm weird. Probably.

I put away my things, I'm still thinking about you. I glance over to see you, you look so innocent and sweet. You look at me, we both turn in quicker than a milli-second. I can't help but think, 'Why were you looking at me? Is there something wrong with me?' I think this because I know that you werent 'just' looking at me.

7pm, friday, 3rd june, 2011
- when it all begins.
                          

if you manage to spend one day with me, 
and can honestly say you don't feel one thing anymore.
                                    - then ... i'll let go

if you love something,
                         set it free.
if it comes back, it was awlays yours. 
if it doesnt, it never was ... 

chapter one .

I sit here, in my small square bedroom, with my head in my hands, wondering. 'How did this happen?' We were happy, but now your with another girl. It all happened so fast. I ask you over and over, “What happened?” but you never tell me, you always change the subject. I dont understand where I went wrong. I could say that I wish I'd never met you and that you've changed. That I am over you and I don't want you in my life anymore, but I would be lying; I'm glad I met you. I learned so much from you, and we shared many memories. You haven't changed, we've just grown apart. I will always have feelings for you. I want you in my life. I miss you, I miss who I was when I was with you. I felt safe in your arms, when you held me tight it was all I cared about. When we would talk, I would look into your eyes and it would only be us. The rest of the world would stand still.

“Zoey, are you ready? It's 5am and we need to leave,” mum said to me as I slowly look up.
“Yes mum, I'll be right out,” I had swimming, I am was dreading the thought of it because it means that its closer to seeing you, with her.

“You need to stop day dreaming Zoey, one day your going to miss out on something important.”
“Yes mum, I'll try to stop.” I always day dream, and it's only about you. I get distracted, and I think about what I could have done, what I could have said and all the things I regret. I do this all the time, mostly in the car and when I take long baths.

“Have fun Zoey, dont forget to take breaths and have a good day at school.”
Mum always says 'dont forget to take breaths' to me when she drops me off at swmming.
“Haha, I will.” I replied with a chuckle.

As I walk into the hot, stuffy building I swipe my member card and look around to see if I can find Abbie, my bestfriend.
“ZOEY. WAIT UP!” I turn around to see Abbie running towards me with a giant grin on her face. I laugh to myself, seeing Abbie so happy makes me want to forget about everything that is going wrong. She always has this affect on me, that is why she is my bestfriend. Whenever I feel down, she will make me happy. Even though she knows I'm not happy she will put a smile on my face and make me laugh. But she will ask me whats wrong when were alone, and its just us. That is what I call a true friend.

Swimming was great, I had fun. I didnt think about you at all, but now. It's all rushing back. Abbie and I are on the bus on our way to school, I am seriously dreading the thought of getting off this bus. I don't want to see you with her, it breaks my heart every single time. But I guess I just have to take it and deal with it. Abbie tells me constantly that if I give it time, you will realise that you do love me and that you still want me. I wish I could believe her, but I find it very hard. Theres a little hope in me, somewhere...