How to get rejected by your
Be at a place in your life where you’re desperate for
companionship. Your mind is starting to play tricks on you.
You’re getting crushes on the person who works at your
corner deli, your friends’ significant others, a
beautiful elm tree.
You’re so starving for love that you allow yourself to
fall before there’s anyone even there to catch
Meet someone through a friend or
at a party or online and really, really like them. You know you
can’t really trust yourself these days (Is this person
really great or are you just eager to get into a relationship?)
but dive head first anyway. Make jokes and bring your boyfriend
or girlfriend game. Behave like an eligible person who deserves
to be in a relationship. At a certain age, it’s assumed
that if you’re still single it’s because
you’re defective. You’re not though. You’ve
just been unfairly passed over. So joke, joke, joke. Touch,
touch, touch. Follow the script. You think you’re getting somewhere
Have the other person be hard to
read. They do things like pick an eyelash out of your eye or
pour you a glass of water without asking that makes you think
that they’re super into you. Who picks an eyelash out of
someone’s eye unless they want to marry them?! Right,
guys?! You hold on to these
flirty actions like they’re Jesus Christ.
You subsist on them like a
starving child who’s having their first meal in months.
They fuel your delusions. They keep you happy.
Think about your crush constantly.
Try to ignore the fact that you’ve only hung out like
twice and you barely know them. That doesn’t matter.
You’re thinking about what COULD be. You COULD be this
person’s boyfriend. You COULD make them fall in love with
you. It’s like
they’re a blank sketch of a human being and you’re
filling in the lines.
Analyze every little thing they do
to you. Feel distant when
they don’t talk to you for ten minutes when you all go
out to get drinks with friends. Decide that this means they
hate you and will never want to see you naked. Start to feel
discouraged and wonder that they might not be into you after
all. (Note: This whole crushing process has only been 7 days
Realize that the only way you can
return to normal is if you just ask them flat out,
“DO YOU LIKE
ME?” Do so over text
message one day in the middle of the afternoon and feel like
you’re going to throw up. Feel pathetic that someone you
barely know can have this effect on you. Wait a few hours to
hear back and wish you could just take an Ambien at 6pm and
wake up in the morning to their text message.
Hear back from them right before
bed. They’re not into it. No need to even go into the
wording of it. The message is always the same. Feel a wave of
sadness come over you and immediately be embarrassed about
it. You don’t know
what’s more shameful: Being rejected by a near stranger
or being devastated by that rejection. Vow to toughen up. Vow to stop trying so hard.
If you stop caring, you won’t be disappointed. But, wait,
isn’t that impossible? Does anyone ever truly not care
about finding love? They
say love happens when you’re not looking for it but
that’s a silly joke. We’re always looking.
It’s human nature to want to
be found. It’s human nature to also get crushed by your
crushes, no matter how pointless they seem. It’s always
important to remember this though: Crushes are usually almost
always about you. They form in your head, you water the crush
plants, and then they wither and die in your head. It’s
rarely ever about who the other person truly is.
How can you truly care so much
about someone when you never had them?