calimarie

i’m trying not to cry because my brother randomly comes up to me and sings to me like he does when i cry. when i was crying it was because i was so close to killing myself, and his sparkling eyes and smiling face broke my heart. he never knew how bad it hurt, and all he did was try to make me smile. all i can think of is what his face would look like when he sees his big sissy bled out on the carpet. he’d blame himself. he’d inherit my depression. he would cry and be angry and keep blaming himself. he’d hurt and he’d hurt so bad he would want to die too. he’d grow up with this black hole where his heart was. he’d either find drugs or alcohol to take the pain away, or he’d start to self-harm. those sparkling eyes would dull to a faded glassy stare, and that smile would only appear when he was alone and singing our songs. he would find my favorite playlist, playing it over and over, and finally picking out “Adam’s Song,” he would realize how much life hurt. someday he would listen to that song one last time, then find his big sissy again.

and that shatters my heart...