camdenicole

~the way i feel~
i hate this, the way i feel. as if im nothing, as if it doesn't make a difference whether im here or not. i don't feel like there is one person that i can tell everything because i cant be sure that there is one person who wont judge me for anything at all. i have more secrets than ever before. i mostly keep to myself and i don't like it. i don't like hiding the way i feel from my friends, smiling and laughing when all i want to do is scream and cry. i don't feel like i can trust them. i feel so alone. my friends are just.... there. not helping, not making things worse, not impacting my life at all... but just there swaying in the background of my life. so many thoughts have crossed my mind, of ways to numb the pain.. ive found that i cant make it go away but i can make it decrease a little where it is easier to bear. right now there is nothing i want more than a friend i can talk to, tell EVERYTHING. i have a best friend and i tell her, "everything"... there are just certain things that im not sure if even she will dislike and judge .

~thinking of him~
so much time has passed and i feel the same if not worse... i wasn't expecting this. everyone told me i would get over it, over him. but i cant. it hurts so much, all i ever feel is pain and regret. i feel like there is a hole in my chest where my heart should be and i can actually feel it ache. every night i fall asleep listening to music and reminiscing.. thinking about him and how happy he made me. how much he made me blush. how much i loved him. he told me he loved me and i never said it back, i was too afraid, and now its too late. he loved me and i love him. im willing to admit it now, before i was always too afraid to actually say it, but i really wish i had.. i wish i had told him while i had the chance, when it could have made a difference. but he is gone and there is nothing i can do to bring him back. i thought as time passed it would get easier but its getting harder. i miss him. if i could go back in time i would change everything, i would have said it back, i would not have freaked over every little thing, and i would have given him more freedom, i would have trusted him. and writing this doesn't fix anything, it doesn't change, i still feel the same. i will still fall asleep tonight thinking of him .

~waiting~
i hate when you are waiting for someone to text you and you just want to sit and stare at the phone but you resist. you turn it over or push it away so you cant see it. you loose your mind in the waiting . and every time your phone goes off, you look quick and hope its them even though you know it wont be, and it isn't. its not the person who inflicts pain on you but yet you cant seem to stay away, no, its someone who is always there for you and you just want them to leave because you want the pain. you want to talk to him no matter what, even if it takes pain. i want the pain, i want to talk to him. but the pain wont come, so i continue to wait.

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~how to act~
here you are on my mind yet again. i cant stop thinking about you and i know better than to let my mind wonder because when i do, im only letting myself drown in the pain. i see how you look at her and how you act around her and i just cant help but wonder.. why dont you look at me like that anymore? why dont you act like that around me anymore? your friends tell me you dont know how to act but you dont seem to have that problem when shes around. now im dreading going to school because i dont want to see you. i hope you decide soon "how to act" around me because im so close to just letting go. 

falling-
 As I was walking alone in the woods, I tripped and fell into a pit. This pit was titled love. It seemed to have no end, it just continued on forever. Each time I saw you, I fell deeper. Each time I spoke to you, I fell deeper. I fell so far into this pit that I was blinded so all I saw was your love. I was paralyzed so all I could feel was your love. And the beating of my heart every time I thought of you was all that filled my ears. This pit has consumed me. I did not jump, I was not pushed, but I fell. And now my love for you has consumed me and all that surrounds me is my longing to be with you.