you know when you have a fly in
your room
and it can't get oout of the window
even though it is clearly open
when it keeps throwing itself at the glass
as if to break it
but doesn't realise
there is an opening just below
that's us.
we are the flies
trapped in the rooms
trying to force our way out of the box
but not realising
there is a perfectly simple way through
3.14am
this is the time
when you would usually call me
we would be texting
and suddenly
completely out of the blue
your name would pop up
on my screen
and my phone would start
silently buzzing
and you will never know
the rush i got from that
you will never know
how my heart leaped
and my stomach flipped
because those phone conversations
at 3.14am
those were what i lived for
those whispered conversations
those times when i would hear
the smile in your voice
and your exhaustion seeping through
and the line would crackle just slightly
as you laughed silently
those were the moments i lived for
and now that they don't exist anymore
now that i stay up every night
until 3.14am
alone
without your phone conversations
what do i have to live for now?
what would you do
if i told you
i cut myself
and
i cry myself to sleep
and
my 11:11 wish
is to die
what would you do?
a naive part of me
hopes you would care
but the realist in me
knows
you would just run away
if suicide is cowardly
then what is living?
living because you're not brave enough
to kill yourself
surely
that's the biggest form
of cowardice
that's me
too much of a coward
to even be cowardly
not brave enough
to be weak
all my life
people have told me
that i would find
the one
someone who loves me
and respects me
unconditionally
i believed them
i was patient
and one day
i found you
you loved me
and respected me
unconditionally
and you did everything right
you were perfect
but i still couldn't love you
i wish i could
but i couldn't
and i hated myself for that
because you deserve to be loved
the way you loved me
when i look at him
i see the boy who hurt me
who left me
without a goodbye
who didn't trust me
and who didn't love me at all
when i look at you
i see the boy
who was always there for me
who wiped away my tears
without asking any questions
who stood by me through everything
and who loved me more than anything
i think about him all the
time
i think about him when i'm doing the most menial household
chores
and when i'm having the best time of my life
i think about him before i sleep every night
and when i wake up first thing in the morning
i think about him subconsciously
and i think about him voluntarily
i am always thinking about him
i can't escape him
even if i wanted to
(i don't want to)