i. smaller portion sizes are important. so
try to only drink one bottle of whiskey before bed, rather
than your usual two.
ii. eat lots of vegetables! don’t even bother taking
your medication; you’re sick because you don’t
eat enough salad.
iii. don’t forget (like you could, with every single
person you encounter reminding you), exercise is key. you
want to kill yourself because you don’t go jogging
enough. when you get the urge to go and stand on the ledge of
your roof, and jump…take the stairs!
iv. don’t forget to put everything in perspective.
remember, you can only be sad if you have it worse than every
other person in the whole god damn world! don’t you
remember? this is all one big competition about who life can
fück over worse.
v. the most important thing to remember is…just be
better! your feelings are totally something that you can pick
and choose. if you don’t want to be sad anymore, just
stop being fücking sad! if you’re anxious, you
just need to relax! because remember, friend, your depression
is making everyone else around feel uncomfortable (and we
mustn’t have that!), so you just have to be
"the five steps of
being happy" by