I started cutting myself in seventh
grade. iI don't know why, maybe because I hate myself or
maybe because I like the pain and seeing myself bleed. I just
know that I can't stop. I try to, but I get that feeling,
like I'm all alone, that no one will ever be there for me,
that nobody cares about what happens to me. I know that none of
that is true. I know that I have friends and family that love me,
but I can't help but feel that they'll shun me or abandon
me if I tell them that I'm not alright. Or worst of all,
they'll laugh at me and tell me that it will be okay, that
I'm just a kid that doesn't have any problems, because I
do, I have problems, I get sad and depressed, I break down and
cry into my pillow at night, but I put a smile on my face the
next day and pretend that I'm not hurting. But just once i
want someone to see through it, when I tell them that I'm
okay, I want them to look me in the eyes and say "No
you're not". Sometimes I just want to unload all my
problems on some random stranger that will never see me again,
just so I can get it off my chest. I want to tell them that
everytime I try to stop hurting myself that depression creeps
back up on me and I need to feel something different, something
new, so i turn to pain. I don't want to tell my friends or
family about it because I don't want them to worry about me.
They have their own problems, they don't need to deal with
mine. I'm not suicidal, I don't have to courage to commit
suicide, but I want to be dead sometimes. I just want to not wake
up again, to not have to worry about my problems anymore, to not
stress out or break down and start crying where no one can hear
me. Most kids my age are worrying about school and relationships,
while I'm here worrying about covering up the scars on my
arms, legs, hands, and wherever the hell i decide to cut myself
next so no one sees them and starts thinking I'm some
suicidal freak or some attention-seeker who's just doing this
to get noticed, because I'm not, alright? I'm just some
messed up girl that really needs someone to talk to, to
understand what I'm talking about, what I'm going
through. Not someone who will judge me for making the same
mistakes. I just need help.